


All Our Secrets

by jaqtkd



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Off-screen assumed relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-20 11:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaqtkd/pseuds/jaqtkd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The untold Merlin/Morgana story. This fic shows their interactions 'behind the scenes' whilst still following the canon story line. We all saw those looks, didn't we? Felt there was rather more going on than the show let us see? Here's the subplot the BBC couldn't show on Saturday tea-time TV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's Something About Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> Whilst researching this fic, I was also working on a one-shot for a Valentine Challenge and decided to pick the less common Merlin/Gwen pairing. In the end I decided to tie the two ideas together with 'Stepping Out' being what happened 'off stage' between 1x04 and 1x05, and this fic starting just after 1x05. So, you'll notice a couple of references to the Gwenlin relationship as fact near the start of this fic and might want to read that one first.

 

_(Set after 1x05 & 'Stepping Out')_

_Book Cover by_ **_ErinNovelist -_ [whenthestormisthrough ](http://whenthestormisthrough.tumblr.com/) **

 

"Lancelot?" Morgana asked as she noticed her maid servant staring forlornly out of the window.

"Oh," she replied, as if surprised by her own inattention. "Yes."

"Come, Gwen, we've a busy day ahead."

"Yes, my lady."

She hoped that diverting her maid's attention would help but, not only did Gwen continue to remain distracted but Morgana did too; still dwelling on the handsome young commoner who had briefly become a knight and so, despite her best intentions, she found she couldn't help bring up the subject again.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, Gwen, but I was under the impression that you were stepping out with Merlin?"

"Oh no! I mean, yes … perhaps... just the once but..." The girl frowned, apparently confused herself. "There's something about Merlin that attracted me to him and I thought... I mean, I _really_ thought that what I felt for him was love but then... I met Lancelot." She smiled shyly at the thought. "Now I've experienced those feelings, I realise that I misunderstood my emotions before."

"Oh, in what way?"

Morgana was genuinely curious as she had to admit that there were very few men that had ever managed to seriously gain her attention. She would admire a certain knight for being handsome or skilled with the sword and she was close to Arthur and cared about his well being and yet she had never thought of the emotions she felt as being particularly powerful or connected to love in any way. Perhaps talking to Gwen about her experiences might help her to understand her own feelings about the various young men she knew.

"Merlin is..." Gwen paused for a moment before grinning slightly. "He's adorable, actually," she decided. "And it makes me smile just thinking about him. A true friend – someone I really care about, but I know now that it isn't love. Not the romantic sort of love, anyway."

"Like a brother?" Morgana suggested.

"Perhaps, a little." She pulled a face. "Although, to be honest, Elyan was never as easy to love as Merlin is."

"I remember you saying, although, you mention him so rarely."

"He left some years ago and, although I send him letters letting him know what's happening, I admit that I have no idea if they're reaching him or not." She sighed regretfully.

"Well, I've not had much chance to interact with Merlin, I admit," Morgana continued. "Although, there's no reason to, I suppose, but, he does seem to be a unique person and he must be special to be able to put up with Arthur."

"There's more to it than that," Gwen said thoughtfully. "Those two have the potential to get on very well, I think."

"Seeing how Arthur often scolds me for being so close to you, it might make a nice change for him to understand that it's not only the nobility that deserve our attention," Morgana agreed.

"Well, I think he showed that already in the way he responded to Lancelot," Gwen continued. "Arthur, I mean. He was willing for forgive him and even defended him in front of the king."

"That's true." Morgana agreed. "And it surprised me, I admit. I'm quite certain he wouldn't have done such a thing a few years ago."

 

~o~0~o~

Her mind was still on her conversation with Gwen when she walked past Merlin in one of the main corridors later that day. Despite there being plenty of room, the young man moved slightly towards the wall in order to let her pass, and turned as she walked past, nodding his head in a subtle bow. Morgana remembered Arthur's recent complaints about his manservant's lack of manners and was briefly confused.

"Good afternoon, Merlin," she said. The boy jumped and his head flew up in surprise and Morgana noticed his eyes widen, his cheeks redden and his tongue instantly flicked out to lick his lips. Morgana fought the urge to smile. It was a common reaction in the young men she interacted with and she never tired of seeing it.

"M-my lady? Can I be of assistance?"

 _Now there was a tempting offer._ She silently scolded herself for the thought.

"No, there's nothing I need. I was just wondering how you were settling in here in Camelot. It's been a couple of months now, hasn't it?"

"Yes, my lady. Thank you. I'm … most content here."

"And Arthur? I do hope he's not making you suffer too much?"

Merlin smiled slightly. "He is trying very hard to make me suffer on a regular basis, my lady, but I'm afraid that I tend to give as good as I get."

"That _is_ good to hear."

The boy stared at her, surprised and Morgana found his gaze especially troubling. That was probably what Arthur meant. Servants rarely looked their superiors in the eye and here was Merlin practically staring into her soul; it was very unnerving. What was it Gwen had said?

_There's something about Merlin that attracted me to him._

Her maidservant had sounded confused when she said it and, for herself, Morgana had never thought of him as attractive. Arthur was boyishly handsome, Valiant had charmed her with his roguish good looks. Lancelot was the sort of man that had girls' eyes follow him and their jaws drop to the floor. Merlin however did not seem to fall into any of those categories. He was rather too thin for his height; all long limbs and big ears and awkwardness and yet…

She dropped her gaze hurriedly, realising she was staring. "Arthur could do with having that ego of his dropped down a peg or two," she replied hastily.

"I'm sure it's not my place to comment," Merlin explained with the smallest smile playing around his lips, "and I admit that I really don't _mean_ to be cheeky but, there's something about him that baits me … I'm not sure what it is."

"I wouldn't worry about it, Merlin. I've spent around ten years of my life listening to Arthur complain about various servants and I can assure you that you are the first one to have made an impression on him."

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I, not entirely but, despite all his complaints about you, I have never once heard him suggest that you be replaced. Trust me, that's all he ever did about the previous ones. With them he would rarely say what they had done wrong, just that he wanted them gone. Now he does nothing but complain about what you do, but seems quite upset when Uther suggests he gets someone else."

Merlin laughed brightly at her comment and Morgana felt it again. _Now_ she understood what it was that had attracted Gwen to this young man. She couldn't begin to actually describe it to anyone, but she could now see why her maid had believed herself to be in love. The boy was … entrancing.

"I understand I was mistaken in believing you and Gwen to be sweethearts?" she said then.

His cheeks turned red again; made more obvious by his prominent bone structure. She made a mental note to talk to Arthur and Gaius about ensuring the boy was getting enough to eat. "Ah, we are very good friends, lady Morgana and we perhaps … well I think there was some misunderstanding about the exact nature of that friendship."

"Gwen certainly seemed very taken with you."

Merlin shook his head. "I promise you that I didn't do anything to hurt Gwen. I never would."

"I know that, Merlin and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Gwen told me herself that you two have now come to an understanding."

He smiled more brightly then. "I'm pleased that we are still very good friends, but Gwen is attracted to the heroic type I think, and that's not me."

"And yet, she _was_ attracted to you - she still is in many ways. Perhaps you're more of a hero than you like to think?"

"Me?" he asked, eyes wide in surprise.

"You are a very special person, Merlin."

"Ah?" The servant's eyes widened again, shocked at her comment and she struggled to keep her countenance, realising just how inappropriate that had sounded.

"I only meant that... Gwen may be generally easy going but she is a good judge of character. She sees the true worth of someone, long before anyone else. Long before the person themselves at times."

"Oh, yes. Of course." He relaxed a little. "Then of course, when Lancelot arrived, Gwen realised the difference."

"The difference?"

"Between friendship and love."

"Yes. She is very upset at the moment."

"I think he felt the same way too." He sighed. "It's a shame they had to be parted."

"Yes," she agreed. "What about you, Merlin? What is it that you're looking for in a woman?"

"Me?" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically high.

"When you first arrived here, Gwen was quite concerned that you'd get quickly snapped up by someone else," she said with a sly smile. "She says that half of Camelot's staff are after you."

"Either Gwen was joking with you or you're teasing me," he responded seriously.

"Well for what it's worth, that's what I thought too," she replied. _Until today. Until this moment when I just can't bring myself to end this conversation._

"So, you _are_ teasing me?"

"Perhaps a little." Merlin was looking at her like 'that' again. It made her stomach clench and her heart pound and she really wasn't sure that she understood why.

"What about you, lady Morgana? What is _your_ type?" he asked slyly.

"I have no idea," she replied promptly but she was still holding her gaze, a faint smile on her lips and his expression seemed amused, his head tipped to one side, contemplating her. They were flirting – there was no other word to describe it - and it was strangely exciting. What was her type though?

_Tall, dark, pale skin, piercing blue eyes?_

"Yes, it certainly is a conundrum," Merlin replied seriously. "I mean, what man could consider himself worthy of you? What man would dare try? The sun cannot capture the moon, no matter how hard he tries and a mortal man can never win the heart of a goddess, no matter how often he bows at her feet."

His voice was strong and musical. His words confident and full of passion. Morgana's throat was now dry, her heart pounding, as she just starred at Merlin – this bumbling servant who had just spouted far more eloquent poetry than any well educated nobleman she had every met.

He quickly seemed to come to his senses and his cheeks coloured anew as he realised what it was he was saying and who he was saying it to. Yes, it had been obvious how he felt about her from his initial reaction to her proximity but, that in itself wasn't especially unusual. She knew that men were attracted to her and regularly used such facts to her advantage, but this?

"Ah, I'm really sorry, my lady. That was … inappropriate."

"No man need apologise for complimenting a woman," she replied briskly, trying to hide just how much she was affected by his words. "I have enjoyed our conversation, Merlin and hope to continue it at some later date."

"Y-yes, my lady," Merlin replied, quickly latching onto her words and, perhaps, her discomfort. He bowed very deeply and scurried off, whilst Morgana leant her back against the wall and took a number of deep breaths, trying to work out exactly how a conversation about her maid servant had turned into this.

 

 ~o~0~o~


	2. Personal Space?

**_  
(Set during and after Episode 1x08)_ **

 

It had been challenging enough for Merlin to keep his mind off Morgana after she had talked to him that day in the corridor, but after Gaius' recent revelation about her prophetic dreams, Merlin found himself even more drawn to the lady than he had been before.

It was one thing to be casual around Arthur and ignore _his_ station, but Merlin was fully aware that he needed to be more careful in regards to his interactions with any females he encountered in Camelot. Especially noble females.

However, that was going to be easier said than done, when Morgana would regularly stop to talk to him as they passed each other in corridors, and always seemed to move just a little bit closer than was strictly necessary. All in all, Merlin was pleased that his work for the prince and the numerous magical incidents he was secretly dealing with, were keeping him busy enough not to dwell on the beautiful lady for too long.

He had to admit that bringing the druid boy to her chambers that day had been an instinctive decision but it was also the most logical one. Merlin had often heard Morgana's enraged outbursts to Uther and felt that he knew enough about her personality to take the risk of bringing the lad to her, assuming that Gwen would be sympathetic too. He was certain that neither of the young women wouldn't sanction the death of a mere child just for the community he had been born into, and it seemed that he had been correct.

Whilst healing the boy and planning his escape out of Camelot, Merlin found himself more and more in Morgana's company and they often talked whilst tending him. Merlin dared to believe that he may just have found someone who would understand him and perhaps even accept him for what he truly was.

"What if magic isn't something you choose?" Morgana suggested, "What if it chooses you?" Right at that moment, Merlin thought she was the most beautiful, wonderful person he had ever met. Could it be true? Could he trust her with his most precious secret? "Why are you looking at me like that?" she continued when Merlin had been too dumbstruck to answer.

He checked himself quickly, realising he had been staring and that he shouldn't even be making eye contact with a lady of the court, never mind so openly gawping at her but, even as he averted his gaze, even though he had already memorised those amazing green eyes of hers, he found he wanted to look at them again and never stop looking. His nerves about the situation returned and he decided that he really did need to be more careful in his interactions with her from this point onwards.

~o~0~o~

" _Thank you, Emrys."_ The druid boy spoke in his head and briefly talked about the reasons for calling him that. Merlin's mind raced as he wondered about the strange name that he had never heard before and yet seemed to resonate deeply within him for some reason.

He wanted to ask more, but the boy had quickly lost consciousness again just as Morgana came back over with a jug of water, looking down on the child with concern. Merlin stared at the boy once more as his mind raced, suddenly realising what he needed to do. Who it was that he had to speak to.

He needed to see the Great Dragon.

He started to get up and, on instinct, Morgana rose with him but, typically, she was far closer to him than expected and they both stumbled in surprise as they realised their proximity. Seeing that she was still holding a full pitcher of water, Merlin quickly checked himself and ended up holding her upper arms in an attempt to stop her falling. Then, having both regained their balance, the two froze in shock as they registered their current position. Far too close.

She looked up at him, blinking in surprise and Merlin found himself entranced by those eyes again. There was this warmth he always felt whenever they were close and yet, when he touched her, there was something else he sensed too. He had first felt it when she had grabbed at him recently to ask what he knew about Sophia. Yet again she had come far closer than was required to ask that simple question of him, and had seemed to have moved her hand instinctively towards his. At the time he'd dismissed the strange, warm sensation as a natural, male instinct to the touch of a pretty woman but here and now, in her chambers, with no-one watching, and he felt such a strong pull of … something from her, that it made him quite light headed.

Morgana had made no attempt to move away from him, didn't seem to show any concern about their close proximity. In fact, Merlin was certain he could see a hint of amusement on her face, perhaps even a slight challenge as her eyes quite obviously flicked down from his eyes to his lips.

That brought him quickly to his senses and he dropped his arms hurriedly. "S-sorry, my lady," he stuttered and yes, this time there was no doubt, she was definitely amused by his discomfort. "T-there's something I need to do."

~o~0~o~

Having belatedly decided that he would help Arthur and the Druid boy escape from Camelot after all, Merlin hurried back inside the castle so that he would not be suspected of helping. Knowing that Morgana would be concerned about what had happened, he rushed straight up to her chambers on his return and, on knocking, found her to be alone.

"What happened?" she asked fearfully.

"It's fine. They're both fine. Arthur's ridden out with the boy. It shouldn't be long before he's reunited with his kin."

"That's a relief," she sighed.

Merlin nodded. "Anyway, I wanted to thank you, my lady. For risking so much and for … well for protecting me too. If Uther had found out what I'd done..." He winced at the thought.

"There's no need to thank me, Merlin. As you said, you were the one that did the original rescuing and, I know I pushed you a bit about healing the boy and getting Gaius involved but..." She frowned, considering. "I don't know what it was, but it just felt very important that he survived. Does that make any sense?"

"I'm not sure about that," he replied carefully, the dragon's warning still fresh in his mind, "but it definitely didn't seem right for such a small boy to suffer."

"No. I don't understand how Uther can be like that. How he can hate and fear those people so much."

"Neither can I." This time it was Merlin's time to sigh. He'd saved Arthur a number of times already and even Uther himself once too and yet, despite that, he had no doubt that the king would kill him instantly if he knew exactly what he was.

"Whilst you're here, Merlin, can I request some more of Gaius' sleeping draught? Perhaps you can bring some up to me later?" Morgana asked then.

"Of course. Are your dreams no better?"

"The potions help a little." She frowned. "Sometimes."

He stepped closer to her instinctively, again briefly forgetting their situation as he placed a reassuring hand on her arm. "It'll be alright. Gaius will find a stronger brew to help you, a better one. I'm sure of it."

There is was again. At first she stared at him wide-eyed, and then glanced down at where his hand was touching her. There was no doubt now, the strange warmth, a tingle almost, emanating from where they touched. Merlin suddenly understood what he was sensing; it was his magic responding to hers – reaching out somehow and he hoped, _really_ hoped, that Morgana wouldn't come to the same conclusion because, despite the way she'd reacted to the boy, despite her reassuring words about magic, he knew that he could not take the chance.

This recent experience with the druids had made all of that suddenly clearer. Both Arthur and Morgana had decided to take charge of the boy's escape simply because they knew that Uther would not kill them if they were discovered. If _he'd_ been caught however, if Gwen had, then it would have been a totally different scenario and the same would be true regarding their magic. Morgana might get away with it. He most definitely would not.

She hadn't pulled away though and neither had he. In fact, she had even moved subtly closer and the comforting sensation he'd felt before had now changed to an insistent pull which seemed to be preventing him from moving away either. He knew that he really should leave but found that he couldn't find the will to move. Just being here, close to her beauty and feeling the comforting buzz of their magic connecting made him feel safe and warm, even though he knew, deep down, that it was probably anything but.

"Thank you, Merlin."

She was so close, her head tipped up to him, her green eyes gazing at him and her lips slightly parted. He found he couldn't take his eye of her face or those lips. Just to bend down very slightly and kiss them would be so very easy to do and, without realising it, he found he had started to do just that, his extra height now affording him a totally inappropriate view down the front of her dress. His heart started to pound.

He wanted to kiss her. He felt that he _needed_ to kiss her in the same way that a dying man needs water and here she was, leaning up towards him too, wanting that kiss as much as he did but … if his life would have been forfeit by being discovered with the boy, if using magic openly here would mean his death, than kissing the lady Morgana would hold exactly the same fate. He could not. No matter how much he wanted it. Needed it.

He pulled away from her suddenly, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, my lady."

"What for, Merlin?" she asked teasingly. "For nearly kissing me or for _not_ kissing me? I know which one I regret the most."

He looked at her, shocked. "We can't. You _know_ we can't."

She moved back towards him, a flash of anger showing in her eyes. "If I want to kiss you I should be able to. If men can steal kisses off maid servants, then I don't see why I shouldn't be able to steal one off you."

His mood quickly changed from nervousness to annoyance. "Then you might as well tell Uther that I was the one to save the druid boy, Morgana, because the result would be the same either way."

She glared at him for the comment but didn't deny it. "Don't forget to ask Gaius for that potion," she said coldly, turning away from him suddenly.

"Yes, my lady," Merlin replied, quickly leaving her room before either of them could be temped into anything further.

~o~0~o~


	3. In Memorium

_**  
(Set between 1x10 & 1x11)** _

When Morgana heard that Merlin was going back to his home village with his mother, to help deal with the threat against it, she hadn't thought twice about joining them. Even Gwen had seemed initially surprised at the decision, although her maid, of course, was delighted to have the excuse to offer her support to her good friend.

"But y-y- you can't. I mean, why would you?" Merlin's question to her was slightly panicked, and she understood his nerves; knew that he was thinking about their near kiss in her chambers and worried at how it might appear to others. But Morgana had her answer already planned – using the help he'd given with the druid boy as an excuse – a returning of the favour. Nothing more.

Overall their mission was a success, even if the conclusion had been far from expected. Merlin's old friend had been a sorcerer, using his magic to turn the tide when everything had seemed lost. That someone with magic had given his own life to save Arthur – the son of a king who condemned it – was an interesting irony that Morgana might enjoy dwelling on at some future point, but Merlin had lost a very good friend in the process and seeing him so upset made their journey back to Camelot an especially sombre one.

When she caught glimpses of Merlin in the corridors in the days immediately after returning, he seemed his usual, cheerful self and when with Arthur he continued to be his usual cheeky self but then, three days after they'd returned from Ealdor, Morgana crossed paths with the young man in that quiet corridor again and she saw it had all been an act. His head was down and his eyes, for that heartbeat of time before he noticed her, were full of sorrow. Then he instantly plastered a smile on his face; one that she could now see was a mask.

"My lady," he said with the smallest of bows.

"Merlin. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine," he replied rather too brightly.

"You shouldn't try to ignore the feelings, Merlin. I did that once and it wasn't helpful."

"W-what do you mean?" he asked.

"When I lost my parents."

"Oh." He blinked then, his own grief suddenly forgotten. "That must have been awful for you, especially considering how young you were at the time."

"I'm not sure that age has much to do with it," she replied pointedly, but he just shrugged at the comment. "I tell you what, if you bring me my sleeping draught tonight, we can talk about it," Morgana suggested.

"Oh, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," he argued.

"That was an order, Merlin, not a request."

"But..."

"Don't be late," she finished, firmly.

~o~0~o~

Although Morgana didn't think it was especially appropriate to be in her nightdress when Merlin called, simple practicality dictated that she had little choice. Gwen would certainly question why she wished to stay dressed long past the usual time for changing and Morgana had already guessed that Merlin wouldn't arrive until late, if at all, due to the ridiculous number of duties Arthur seemed to insist the boy needed to do for him. So, in the end, she was grateful that she had made herself ready to bed, even though she had tried her hardest to dress modestly as possible.

"I've brought your sleeping draught," Merlin said with an obvious glare, turning the full force of his rebellious side on her and making her suddenly aware of what it was Arthur both loved and hated about his manservant.

"Come in, Merlin," she said gently, opening the door a little wider.

"Ah, I don't think so," he replied, looking over his shoulder apprehensively.

"As I said before, I understand what it is to loose someone who's close to you and I was at Ealdor too so, I'd like to help."

"I don't see how you can," he mumbled, but he was already moving into her room as he spoke, heading for the nearby chair.

"Just tell me about Will," she suggested, perching on the edge of her bed. "About what you two got up to as children."

He started nervously, almost apologetically, as if he didn't feel it right to talk to her about trivial boyish matters, but Morgana noticed that Merlin had a great way of telling stories; an engaging manner and style that made the most mundane, childish tale seem far more exciting than any of epic sagas she'd read.

He started to relax into the role then, smiling and laughing along with her but, inevitably, the more negative emotions soon began to take over and, as he stumbled on one story about a fallen tree, Morgana heard his voice crack and saw his eyes start to brim with tears before he quickly lowered his head. She moved over to him then, resting a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head further away, obviously embarrassed.

"I just find it so frustrating, so futile," Merlin mumbled. "I can't help thinking I could have done more … that the whole situation could have been tackled differently."

"What do you mean? Part of you blames Arthur perhaps?" she suggested. "It's only natural. I know he felt guilty about it too."

"No, no. Not that but … perhaps if I'd gone alone..."

"...then you would have been dead too," she finished firmly. "Merlin, it's only natural to blame yourself or others when someone dies. I admit that I often blame Uther for my father's death but, whether or not it's true, does it really help?"

"No," he sniffed. "I suppose not." She handed him a handkerchief and, after wiping his eyes, he quickly stood and started to walk towards the door. "I should go."

"Merlin, there's no need." She moved more quickly and stood in front of him, blocking his path.

"Thank you for listening, Morgana. You were right, it did help."

"But you're still upset," she argued, "and it breaks my heart to see it."

She moved closer, saw his eyes were still full of tears and acted without thinking, grabbing the top of his head and pulling him down towards her shoulder, enclosing the tall young man in a slightly awkward hug. He didn't object, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, and Morgana could feel him shaking against her slightly, obviously crying again.

"Hush, Merlin, it's all right. I'm here," she crooned, one hand still stroking his thick, black hair.

He squeezed her tightly in response before one of his hands started to run up and down her back, the other on her waist. She found her own hands moving too, one still on his head, the other on his shoulder and then, suddenly, the atmosphere changed as the embrace moved from pure comfort to something else entirely.

"Sshh," she said again, although the word was automatic as she fought with the conflicting feelings of staying close in his arms or pushing him away. Merlin shifted his head very slightly and Morgana suddenly felt warm lips on her neck and gasped as he kissed her throat. Then, before she had time to fully work out what was happening, he had moved both of his hands to her face and his lips were suddenly against hers, kissing her desperately.

It wasn't quite what she had expected; his kisses seemed awkward and a bit frantic, but she accepted them anyway enjoying the feeling of his body against her, revelling in the intimacy of the situation.

"Morgana..." he moaned, kissing her more urgently and his hands moved suddenly from her face to her waist, pulling her hips against his in an especially intimate clinch. She felt a sudden, strange fear then; the uncomfortable realisation of the power a man could have over a woman in this situation and, although she wasn't scared of Merlin - knew he wouldn't harm her - the thought was enough to make her realise just how inappropriate this situation was and where it was now likely to lead.

And part of her was seriously tempted to allow that to happen because, despite her nervousness and despite his clumsiness, she had to admit that the sensations were not entirely unpleasant and there was no doubt that her attraction to Merlin had been growing steadily in recently weeks. However, despite everything, Morgana knew that he really wasn't himself right now and it probably wasn't right to let this continue as a result.

She moved her own hands then, sliding them in-between the almost non existent space between their waists and placed her hands on his chest, gently pushing him away.

"No, Merlin. Not now. Not like this."

He jumped away from her as if she had burnt him. His eyes wide and full of guilt. "Oh, sorry. Morgana, I'm _so_ sorry I just wasn't thinking and..."

"No, it's not all your fault," she admitted. "I started it. I was the one who insisted you came here in the first place."

He shook his head, backing away towards the door. "No, but really, that was … I shouldn't have acted like that."

"You were the one who said you shouldn't have come tonight and I was the one that hugged you."

"I didn't mean to hurt you." The poor boy looked so guilty that she was determined that he understood that she wasn't upset. She moved back towards him, placing gently hands on his arms.

"You didn't. I'm fine. Look. Would I want to get back this close to you if I blamed you?" He shook his head cautiously. "To be honest I only really stopped it because you weren't yourself, because you are grieving. Otherwise, who knows, I might just have let you continue." She grinned brightly and he looked shocked at the suggestion.

"Morgana!"

"What? You know that I've been waiting for that kiss for some while now."

He frowned. "That wasn't an appropriate kiss for a lady like you."

"Then I expect you to do much better next time," she replied with a hint of a smile.

He gaped at her and she tried hard not to laugh at the look of total shock on his face. She loved putting him off balance and seeing those high cheeks colour so readily.

"G-goodnight, my lady," he stammered, backing towards the door. "I hope the potion helps."

"Oh, don't worry, Merlin. I'll be having nothing but pleasant dreams tonight, of that I'm quite certain." The boy's eyes widened once more and he quickly turned tail and rushed out of her door.

 

~o~0~o~


	4. Resistance is Futile

**_(Set during 1x11)_ **

Merlin tried his best to avoid Morgana after their late night tryst in her bedcambers and, for a while, it seemed to be an easy thing to do. Perhaps she felt more awkward about the encounter than she had implied, because he noted that, for some time after the incident, the lady no longer sent from him to deliver her sleeping draughts nor attempted to seek him out during the day to ask some random question or another.

That situation didn't last for long, however and, during the famine brought on by Arthur's killing of a unicorn, Merlin found himself more and more often bumping into her in various isolated places.

The first time was definitely a bit awkward, with both of them exchanging polite acknowledgements before making their excuses and hurrying away, but it wasn't long before they became more relaxed around each other again and things started to revert to the way they'd been before.

"Oh, this is ridiculous," Morgana said to him on their next meeting. "I told you I wasn't offended and I meant it."

"I know, I understand, but it's more a matter of propriety as I said before," he replied quietly, looking around nervously. "If Arthur or Uther found out what happened..."

"Well, you're right about that, I suppose, but I still say it's most unfair that there are different rules for women in just about everything."

"In some ways I agree but, in others..." Merlin shook his head and glanced around again. "We shouldn't even be talking about this out here."

"You're probably right" she conceded. "I'm just going down to the stores to get some food and I expect you're pretty busy too."

"Yes, Arthur's given me a long boring job to do whilst he's training and in meetings all day."

"Well then, I shall see you later, Merlin," she replied, giving him a bright smile before walking away, her heels clicking loudly on the stone floor.

~o~0~o~

That encounter seemed to have cancelled any remaining negative feelings because, from that day on, the incidences of them crossing paths began to happen even more frequently. Again, Merlin noticed that odd, warm sensation every time he was close to Morgana and the way they seemed to be constantly drawn too close to each other, before either had fully realised what was happening.

Merlin was starting to gain a great deal of control over his own magic nowadays, with things rarely happening by chance since he'd been studying the spells properly. His power was growing rapidly as a result, with Gaius apparently stunned by the complex and advanced things that his young ward was now able to achieve. Because of that, Merlin was now quite certain that this strange, strong connection he and Morgana shared was as much about magic than anything else, and probably also explained the various other people he'd been subconsciously drawn to since he'd arrived here; Nimueh, the boy, even Edwin. Perhaps, in time, he could gain more control and learn to recognise the sensation more obviously but, for now, he was only consciously aware of it when he was around Morgana.

In some ways it was nice that they were more relaxed around each other again but, in other ways, it was worrying. She'd reach out to put a hand on his arm, just as she had before, or lean in close to tell him of something she'd seen or to share a joke she and Gwen had exchanged earlier that day. Or she'd look at him like she had months before, moving just a little too close to him, her eyes quite obviously wandering and usually ending up on his lips.

There was one particular corridor that was used by nobles and servants alike and boasted a couple of alcoves and it seemed to Merlin that Morgana found a certain pleasure in accosting him here recently and dragging him into one particular bay for one reason or another.

"I've got this for you," she whispered, pushing a piece of bread into his hand and Merlin's mouth started to water instantly. The food supplies were continuing to dwindle, the recent return of the water simply putting off the inevitable.

"I-I can't take this," he stuttered.

"Of course you can."

"But the people out there have no food at all," he continued. "We're still fairly lucky here in the castle."

"Oh." She paused as if that thought hadn't occurred to her before. "Of course, you're right but..." She folded her arms and gazed sternly at him. "Despite that, Merlin, I challenge you to find anyone out there that's more skinny than you are."

"Hey! I'm not _that_ thin," he objected.

Morgana raised a sceptical eyebrow at him. "Really? Even in that outfit it's obvious how little of you there is filling your clothes." She abruptly moved her hands to his waist and squeezed, and Merlin found himself torn between complaining and giggling.

"Morgana."

"I can feel your ribs sticking out, even through this shirt," she commented, squeezing again.

"That tickles."

"Eat the bread, Merlin and, when this is all over, please try to find time for more regular meals, won't you?"

"What's it to you?" he complained petulantly, even as he started to munch the food she had just give him."

"I just don't want to cut myself on your sharp bits next time you kiss me," she replied, throwing him a wicked smile over her shoulder as she strode back into the corridor.

~o~0~o~

The next day saw people from the outlying villages turning up for food, even as Arthur ordered Merlin to prepare him a meal somehow. Having finally killed the rat that had been annoying his master for days and eventually managing to stop laughing at the plan he'd just hatched, Merlin made his way down to the kitchens to scrounge a few cooking ingredients for the stew he had in mind and, on the way, encountered Gwen and Morgana deep in conversation. Then, with an uncharacteristically sly grin, Gwen nodded firmly at her mistress and headed off toward the kitchens herself.

"What are you up to, Morgana?" the young warlock asked suspiciously as he approached her.

"Not that it's any of your business, Merlin, but I was thinking about what you said yesterday about all the people outside of the castle that don't have any food at all. I talked to Uther about it but the king's determined to keep all the rations for those in here and especially for his army." She glared. "I don't know who he expects will be left for the soldiers and knights to defend."

"Yes, I believe Arthur made much the same point."

"I'm sure he did," she continued. "Anyway, I've just sent Gwen in search of something we can give to the refugees that arrived earlier. Even if we can only help one or two people it will be better than nothing."

"That's really good of you, my lady," Merlin said formally.

She raised her eyebrows at him, surprised at the sudden shift in his attitude. "What about you Merlin? You were looking rather too happy just then for someone who's half starved."

"I told you not to keep going on about that," he complained whilst she smirked at his discomfort. "I've always been pretty slight, I'll have you know, and have also experienced my fair share of famines in Ealdor – even if they weren't quite so literal and widespread as this one."

"Of course but," she moved closer, yet again backing him into the alcove. "You are just _so_ skinny, really." Her hands found his stomach yet again, but this time they moved slowly, gently – with movements that were now far more caress than tickle. Merlin swallowed hard, his back now up against the wall as he found himself torn between giggling and gasping at the amazing sensations she was causing. "No … nothing spare there at all," she smirked as she fondled his waist. "... or here," she continued as she moved her hands forward to his upper stomach and then slowly lowered them, travelling ever closer to the waist band of his trousers. Merlin lifted his chin up so quickly in response to the surprise move that he ended up hitting the back of his head on the wall behind. Just how far was she planning on exploring?

Despite his fear, or perhaps his hope, Morgana then moved her hands around the waist band to touch his hips instead.

"Yes, I was right," she continued. "I could cut myself on those bones."

"Morgana … please..." he gasped, not even certain if he was begging her to stop or continue.

"And don't think I haven't noticed how baggy these trousers are on you," she smirked. "Have you anything at all back there?"

He gasped again as her hands reached around and fondled his rear, obviously planning to take her time. Merlin's eyes closed in pleasure at the sensation as she squeezed gently. "No, nothing at all," she smirked as her eyes flicked briefly downwards. "The _front_ of your trousers, however, seem very well filled out right now."

"Morgana!" he complained, although he couldn't help it coming out as a small laugh, admiring her cheek, even whilst being shocked by it. Who knew such an elegant lady could be quite so forward and naughty?

"I'm only interested in your welfare, Merlin," she replied, attempting an innocent look. "Seeing how tough Arthur is on you."

"Yes, Morgana. I'm quite aware of what you're interested in," he countered and she smiled wickedly at him again, "and you really should know better."

"Well, Merlin, you're welcome to return the favour," she offered suggestively. "Point out just how privileged I am by checking out how much spare I'm carrying in various places."

"Oh, don't worry, my lady," he smirked. "I'll definitely get my own back on you. One way or another."

~o~0~o~

Whilst preparing Arthur's meal, Merlin found himself trying to come up with ways to pay Morgana back for her cheek as he had promised. Something that didn't involve foundling, kissing or anything else that might threaten to put his head on the block. He had a few ideas by the time he served the prince's meal, but even he hadn't expected an ideal opportunity to present itself quite so quickly.

Arthur had worked out what was in his stew surprisingly fast for him and, just like Morgana, had suddenly claimed to take an interest in Merlin's welfare by forcing him to sit down and finish off the bowl himself. It was at that moment that Morgana came into the room looking for food and Merlin was unable to hide a wicked grin as he realised just where that tureen of stew was going to end up.

Payback felt good.

~o~0~o~

The following evening she was up to her old tricks, yet again. Merlin had been out with Arthur all day, this time deliberately hunting the unicorn keeper. Unfortunately Merlin had been separated from Arthur during his test and they returned to find things had become even worse with the remaining supplies in the castle all having suddenly rotted.

Now tired, distracted and even more hungry, Merlin was on his way up to Gaius' chamber when Morgana accosted him yet again, dragging him into the alcove, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him soundly. He'd barely had a chance to decide whether to push her away or kiss her back when they heard voices and fast approaching footsteps and both jumped away from each other guiltily, pinning their backs against opposite walls of the alcove in the hope they would not be discovered.

"That was the Lady Carys," Merlin whispered urgently as the voices died away. "You know what she's like? The biggest gossip in Camelot."

"Yes, that's true," Morgana replied with a frown.

"We have to stop doing this here. This corridor is far too public."

"I suppose," she said with a sigh.

"Promise me, Morgana," he pleaded. "This is _my_ neck on the line here." He held her gaze, letting his genuine fear show in his eyes. "Please. No more pulling me into alcoves."

"Alright, Merlin. I promise."

Her response seemed genuine enough, but Merlin couldn't help but wonder if keeping that promise would be as easy as Morgana seemed to think.

 

~o~0~o~


	5. A Hint of Things to Come

**(Set during 1x12 & 1x13)**

Recently, Morgana felt that things were slipping out of her control. It had started when Uther had condemned Gwen's father for becoming unwittingly involved with a sorcerer and, from that point on, things had got steadily worse.

When she realised that she wasn't going to be able to reason with her guardian, Morgana decided to steal Arthur's keys and give them to Tom, hoping it would allow the man to escape. That task completed, she went back to check on Gwen, who was sleeping in Gaius' chambers, and spoke with Merlin whilst she was there; surprised to note that the young man seemed uncharacteristically angry.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"No, not really." He glowered, his eyes stormy. "Uther's decided to execute innocent people, just for having unknowingly put Tauren up for the night."

"It's madness," she agreed. "All of it. I have to do something. Anything." Even though she already had made a start on her plan, she felt that she needed Merlin's approval for some reason. Needed to hear him say that she was right and Uther was wrong.

"Morgana, that really isn't a good idea. You need to be careful," he cautioned.

"Why? What's he going to do to me?"

"Perhaps but, all the same..." Merlin's voice tailed off with a heavy sigh.

"But you agree, don't you?" she pushed. "You can see how wrong he is, and Arthur just doesn't have the courage to stand up to him at all."

"Morgana!" he complained. "That's hardly fair." She moved closer to him then and, despite her earlier promise, put a gentle hand on his arm. "You're doing it again," he warned, beginning to pull away from her.

"I _know_ you agree," she pushed, looking deep in his eyes. Knowing they had a connection and using it to her advantage.

She saw his eyes soften briefly. "Perhaps." He now seeming a lot less concerned about their proximity – his breathing becoming heavier, his eyes quite obviously flicking down to her lips. She tried hard not to smile in triumph at the concession.

~o~0~o~

Morgana's emotions on learning of Tom's death were chaotic. She felt guilty to a certain extent, of course, but Gwen's father would have died tomorrow anyway and, honestly, she wasn't the one to blame here – Uther was.

So, she decided to confront the king about his guilt; again attempting to get through to him and make him change his mind but, to her shock, he had not only refused to admit to any blame, but even had the audacity to chain her in the dungeon for daring to contradict him.

How dare he do that to her!

Something stirred deep inside Morgana then. Long submerged feelings of distrust she had for her guardian resurfacing and reminding her of the fact that he'd set her own father off to war and to his death. He was a tyrant, it was true. Any feelings of love he'd professed for her were merely an act.

When Gwen told her mistress of her encounter with Tauren and of the stone the sorcerer was looking for, Morgana's mixed feelings of guilt and anger intensified. She now knew what she had to do, knew what the outcome would be and so, when Merlin came to see her to let her know that Gwen was staying at Gaius' for a second night, she couldn't help but talk to him – to attempt to gain his support – his approval.

"Morgana, your wrists!" he cried, gently holding her hands as he inspected the bruises.

"He chained me up in the dungeon, Merlin. Can you believe it?" she complained, taking advantage of his obvious horror.

"He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have hurt you."

Morgana had to admit she was surprised by his voice. Softly spoken, gentle Merlin, speaking with such steel, such quiet power. She felt an unexpected thrill at the sound – a strange excitement that she couldn't quite understand.

"The sooner Arthur becomes king the better," she pronounced, now confident that she would have his full support.

"What?"

"Before he too becomes infected by Uther's madness. Already he starts to follow his father's ideas, even agrees with them at times."

"That's not true, Morgana," Merlin insisted, ever loyal. "Arthur isn't happy with this situation any more than we are and he's already gone behind Uther's back by granting Gwen her house for life."

"As well he should."

"That's not the point. Uther would have taken the cottage back – you know he would. Arthur would be well within his rights to claim it, but has decided to be gracious."

"Even more reason to hope for him to inherit the throne quickly then."

"Morgana? What do you mean? What are you planning?" Merlin asked suspiciously.

She had been on the verge of telling him then. If fact she wasn't even sure why she hadn't but something held her back, some quiet fear that his loyalty to Arthur may make him hesitate for some reason.

"Planning? Oh, I'm not planning anything," she replied brightly and then, seeing his sceptical look she sidled closer to him – too close - placing a hand on his arm again, a deliberate move to distract him.

"Morgana..." Merlin warned but, yet again, he did not back away. In fact, if anything, he moved very slightly closer in return. Again she internally smiled in triumph as he quickly appeared to have forgotten her comments and did not question her further about her plans as a result.

"Well, it's getting late and I really need to try and get some sleep," she continued with a bright smile, whilst Merlin blinked at her as if only just realising their position, his cheeks looking decidedly pink.

It was time for her to go and meet with Tauren but Morgana had to admit that she was no longer certain that Merlin would understand or support her in her quest. Anyway, there was no reason why he needed to know. No reason to put him in unnecessary danger. With another bright smile and a gentle caress of his arm, Morgana escorted him out of her chambers. Then, after waiting for the castle to quieten down, she took the stone out of the drawer, again entranced by the strange feeling of warmth and light it emitted when she held it, and headed off to the woods without anyone knowing.

Or so she believed.

~o~0~o~

Merlin's attitude towards her seemed to change quite dramatically after that incident. Perhaps he was cross with her for bending the rules they had set for each other, for continuing to stand too close, to touch him when it wasn't really necessary and, she had to admit, those last couple of incidents had been deliberate on her part; a way to distract him from what she was intending to do. Now things had changed, however. Now she knew that Uther, for all his faults, did still care for her and had loved her father dearly too; Gorlois' death in battle obviously hurting the king as much as it had hurt her.

So, in the end, Morgana was confident that she had made the right decision, and neither Merlin nor anyone else need know that she had fully intended to help kill the king that night. Then again, perhaps the coolness between them wasn't a bad thing after all. Seeing how they'd almost been caught that time in the alcove. Seeing how this last incident had highlighted just how unforgiving Uther could be when pushed.

~o~0~o~

Then Morgana had another dream. A truly terrifying one. None of the previous visions had ever made her feel so scared and alone, and this latest one had seemed so real, the danger so imminent, that she acted without thinking, running downstairs whilst still in her nightdress, desperate and determined to stop Arthur from going on his quest.

Then Merlin was there, the familiar feel of his hands on her arm as he escorted her up the steps and, even in her distress, she was aware of that distance again, heard something in his 'my lady' that seemed especially forced. Felt less warmth from him than usual and queried it. Felt a type of grief as she sensed it. Wondered if she really had taken advantage of him and toyed with his feelings when all she'd been trying to do was prevent him from asking her too many questions and keep him safe.

She wanted to talk to him. She _needed_ to, but her dream had come true, Arthur was dying, other nightmarish visions followed and, when she sought Merlin out later, he was nowhere to be found. Gwen was tending Arthur, Gaius was with Uther and yet her dreams continued to haunt her, showing her yet more death, more fear and more heartache with most of it, apparently, connected to Merlin in one way or another.

So, she had to break her promise again. Had to lie in wait for him in the one place she knew he'd be. Had to take that one opportunity to grab him in the corridor and pull him into the alcove, to warn him.

"Please, Merlin, you must beware. This is only the beginning."

She tried to make him understand, tried to tell him with her eyes that this wasn't one of her tricks, that she was genuinely afraid, but his answering glare told her that he did not believe her, and the way he pulled away from her hurt her more than she thought possible. Was that it? Had she lost his friendship for good now?

So, when he came to see her the next day, she was torn between relief and fear as she saw the distant, vacant look on his face and worried at what he might be planning on saying to her.

"Gwen said you had another bad dream, how are you?" The question seemed rather too polite for Merlin. Forced.

"I have felt better, I must admit."

He nodded. "You do look very pale."

"Merlin, I'm sorry about earlier. The alcove?"

He frowned. "You said you wouldn't do that again."

"I know but, I had to see you. Had to warn you I..."

"I care about you, Morgana. Whatever happens from now on you must never forget that. The times we spent together..." He smiled slightly, licking his lips subconsciously as he did so and she managed a weak smile in return.

"I just wish there were not so many rules," she replied.

"Yes, so do I. Perhaps, if things had been different."

"Yes."

"Anyway, I have to go," he said, heading towards the door. "There's something I need to do."

She stood up quickly, hearing something in his voice – something frightening. "Merlin! What's happening? Where are you going?"

"It's nothing. Nothing for you to worry about, my lady. Rest now and try not to be afraid. Always remember that you're not alone."

"Merlin?" she asked, her fear increasing. That had sounded worryingly like a goodbye.

~o~0~o~

That night she had another vision. She saw Merlin floored by a ball of flame. Saw lightening coming down from a previously clear sky. Saw Gaius and Merlin wet and shivering, huddling against a stone alter. When Gwen heard her screaming and came to tend her, Morgana could remember nothing significant, simply mumbling, "Merlin, Merlin," fearfully over and over again into her maid servant's shoulder.

~o~0~o~


	6. A Token of Affection

  **(Set during 2x03)**  


Merlin froze as he heard Morgana's voice inside Gauis' chambers – hovering outside as he listened to her confess her greatest fears to the physician – hearing her worry that she'd been the one to set fire to her chambers and that she thought it was magic. The young man felt shocked as he overheard the conversation although he really wasn't sure why. He already knew she had magic and had suspected that it was rather more than a few prophetic nightmares, due to that warm, humming sensation he felt every time he and Morgana got too close.

Perhaps it was simply hearing her saying it or maybe the surprise was due to the way Gaius appeared to be so easily dismissing it. Why would the old man not give her the same comfort and reassurance that he had offered him?

He confronted Gaius about it later on and was shocked at how reluctant the old man seemed about helping her but, to be honest, Merlin was torn and confused too. Having set his own strict restrictions about seeing Morgana, he now felt guilty about leaving her to figure all of this out on her own. Despite the temptations, despite those extra risks, he knew he couldn't simply ignore her and so, suddenly determined, he went out to pick some flowers and then took them up to her chambers.

There was one worrying moment when Merlin ran into Arthur in the corridor on his return and had to hastily hide the flowers behind his back. That was exactly why he had called an end to their little dalliances – neither Arthur nor Uther could find out his true feelings. Neither could know about what had been going on between them.

He did wonder if Gwen suspected something though. The small smile on his friend's face as he handed the flowers over seemed rather too knowing, but then she and Morgana were very close, and he remembered how the girls had been back in Ealdor; gossiping and giggling about the boys they liked. Merlin wasn't sure whether to be amused or embarrassed by the look his friend threw his way as she promised to ensure that Morgana knew who the token was from, but at least he knew he didn't have to worry about anything as far as Gwen was concerned. She wouldn't judge either of them for their mad feelings, of that he was quite certain.

~o~0~o~

Merlin was just clearing up for the night when Morgana burst into the physician's chambers in her nightdress, her face pale and eyes wild.

"Is Gaius here?" she asked and Merlin muttered a denial, worrying for all sorts of reasons as she came towards him, moving far too close to him, as usual. Again he was torn – knowing that Morgana was genuinely scared and not wanting to deny her some comfort but, at the same time, being all too aware of the impropriety of the situation and just where this conversation was likely to lead.

And, although Merlin really, truly wanted to help her, Gaius' warnings were still in the back of his mind as well as his own reluctance to get close to her physically. As he stuttered a non committal reply to her question, he suspected she thought him afraid of the idea of her having magic in the first place rather than being nervous of the outcome of the conversation or any more physical comfort he was sorely tempted to give her right now.

Either way, she definitely sensed his coolness and seemed offended and upset by it, running out of the chambers before he had really managed to make up his own mind about what to say.

When had things become so complicated?

~o~0~o~

He didn't know why he even bothered with the dragon any more. It had been obvious from their previous meeting that he was only interested in his freedom and nothing else, but for him to be so rude about Morgana, so dismissive. Merlin was cross now – at Gaius, Uther and the dragon. Perhaps Morgana had been right when she complained about the different rules for females. Before, when she'd mentioned it, he'd only thought of the lack of romantic freedom a lady like her had in comparison to someone like Arthur, but maybe this was part of what she had been talking about too. Perhaps there was some old-fashioned reason why Gaius and the dragon thought she would be less able to cope with the truth simply because she was a girl.

Which was totally stupid, he quickly decided.

Then, the perfect opportunity presented itself. Uther's determination to seek out all those associated with the Druids gave Merlin a chance to peek at Arthur list of suspects and find someone who could give him the information he needed – even if he nearly gave himself away yet again as Arthur quizzed him about Morgana's flowers whilst he was trying to read the piece of parchment.

Anyway, that was a problem that he could deal with later. For now, Merlin was certain he'd found the perfect solution, no matter what Gaius said. By telling Morgana where the Druids were, she could find out what she needed to know without him having to interact with her too much. All he had to do was find an excuse to visit her once in order to explain the plan, and then he could leave the rest up to her.

~o~0~o~

Morgana seemed surprised to see him. Well, considering the fact that he'd vowed not to deliver her potions any more her reaction probably wasn't that unexpected. Then she instantly asked him to forget what she'd said before, denying it.

"What about the Druids?" Merlin asked. "They help people like you."

"None of their kind would dare show their face in Camelot," she responded.

"No. But I know where you can find them."

"What? Where? How do you know?"

"I've drawn you a map, look," he answered quickly, pulling the piece of parchment out from inside his clothes and quite obviously avoiding her questions in the process. "If you go there, if you talk to them, perhaps they can give you the answers you seek."

"Thank you, Merlin. You risk a lot by bringing me this information."

"That's true," he admitted with a grin. "You are a dangerous lady to me, Morgana, in more ways than one."

She smiled back. "And yet you find yourself unable to stay away?"

It seemed that they were back to the flirting again. He only came here to deliver the potion and map, nothing more. "Apparently so." He walked to the table to put both items down, unrolling the map so she could see it but, inevitably, Morgana used this as an excuse to come right up next to him, leaning in close.

He caught her scent and found the room spinning slightly; feeling her magic hum to his. He had just planned to come here quickly, give her the map and get out – nothing more – but apparently it wasn't going to be that easy.

They were close again. Very close. He was vaguely aware of her whispering another, 'thank you,', obviously distracted as she turned towards him and placed a hand on his arm, moving it slowly up and down – stroking gently. Merlin focused hard on the idea of moving away from her but found himself taking a small step forward instead, his own hand now on her sleeve and mimicking her movements, stroking up her forearm, her upper arm and then to her shoulder. Her eyes sparkled – a warning sign he knew – as she moved both her hands to his chest looking up at him, her eyes inviting him to kiss her. His eyes travelled in turn to the same area of her body and she smiled as he caught her eye, both of them thinking the same thing.

"I dare you to copy _this_ move," she whispered as her hands started to move, gently massaging his chest.

"M-morgana."

"I know you want to. I see how often your eyes wander there."

"S-sorry."

"You're hardly the only man to be found guilty of such a crime," she replied and then laughed brightly as she saw him glare at her comment. "Jealous, Merlin?"

He shook his head as he tried to dismiss the memory of comments he'd heard, the looks he'd seen men throw her way when she wasn't looking. Merlin hated that they reacted that way around her but knew, deep down, that he was no better, his thoughts about Morgana just as naughty.

"We've had this conversation before …. we mustn't."

"I know, but you did say you wanted to get your own back, didn't you? If we're going to end this…" She paused and then laughed. "Whatever _this_ is, at least we should do so on an even footing. Come on, Merlin. Call it pay back for the alcove, call it payment for this map if you'd prefer." She stood up and kissed him on the cheek, her lips lingering there, her chest pressed against his, tempting him further. She sighed deeply when he still didn't move and, with a shake of her head, gently lifted his left hand off her arm and moved it slowly towards the tempting curve of her breast. Merlin didn't fight it, watching wide eyed as his fingers reached her chosen destination and trying to commit the experience to memory; the feel of the silk against his skin, the pliable softness of her breast as he opened his hand to cup it, the way it moved under his fingers as he gently squeezed.

Morgana gasped then, moving closer instead of pulling away as he expected. Her head was at just the right height to reach his neck and she used this as an excuse to kiss it, suckling gently as he grew bolder and started to caressed her right breast, whilst she pressed the left side of her body against his, still kissing his neck.

"D-don't leave a mark," he urged.

"Why not? What's the point of you wearing those ridiculous neckerchiefs otherwise?"

"Hey!"

She giggled at his indignation but there were no more words for a while, just their mutual breathing sounding short and fast as both continued to explore through various layers, untin one of Morgana's hands found its way up Merlin's shirt and his fingers, in turn, began to tease under the top of her bodice.

"Really … must … stop..." Merlin whispered hoarsely.

"I don't want you to."

"If anyone finds me in here..." He took a deep breath and took a very deliberate step away from her. The move felt harder than standing on his head would.

"You're right, of course," she accepted. "As you were the previous times you warned me. I don't want to put you in danger."

"We really do have to stop doing this. Arthur's already suspicious."

"He is?" she asked fearfully.

"He knows I brought you the flowers earlier and he … misinterpreted the reason."

She couldn't help grinning at this. "Really? Are you sure about that, Merlin? Are you sure he misinterpreted?"

He smiled back. "Well, perhaps he wasn't _that_ far off but, still..." He left it hanging with a shrug.

"But still..." she finished. "We have to stop denying that there's something between us."

He frowned. "That's not what I meant."

"No, seriously, Merlin. There's no point saying it's nothing and promising that things can continue as normal."

"What do you mean?"

"We have to accept that there is an attraction here – something strong. Only then can we hope to do something about it."

"Such as?"

"After this, after today, there should be no more reason for you to see me. We will not mention magic, you will find every excuse under the sun not to deliver my potions, and we should both go back to as much formality as we can manage in the presence of others. In reality there is little reason for us to interact at all. I know that I'm used to being informal with Gwen and you with Arthur but, in reality, _our_ situation is very different and we should act accordingly."

"I know, but it is a shame to lose your friendship. To be so formal when … when we have so much in common."

"Perhaps later things will be different. Perhaps when Arthur is king?" Morgana suggested but Merlin frowned, still not happy at how easily she seemed able to say that. Had she learnt nothing from her encounter with Tauren?

She moved forward once more, standing on tip toes and kissed his lips very gently. "Thank you, Merlin. For the map, for being so understanding about … things. For being my friend."

"I am still your friend, Morgana," he said with a small bow, "Even if I can no longer admit to it." Then he quietly left her chambers, hoping she would find what she was looking for.

~o~0~o~


	7. Love Will Set You Free

**(Set between 2x11 & 2x12)**

The nightmares had stopped. Ever since Morgause had gifted her the bracelet, Morgana had no longer been troubled by sleepless nights and things became very much easier for her as a result. She saw very little of Merlin nowadays. As promised she had not sought him out and he seemed to be kept even more busy anyway; becoming more and more Arthur's shadow – one rarely seen without the other.

In many ways it was good to see the prince becoming so attached to his servant – to a commoner - and Morgana did still have the occasional interaction with Merlin; just one of his smiles thrown her way enough to brighten up the whole of her boring day.

That was part of the problem, she supposed; boredom. Toying with Merlin had been a great deal of fun, but he was right in thinking that he would be in trouble if they'd ever been caught. She glared at the thought – feeling the anger rise as it did every time she thought of anything connected to Uther. The recent business with Alvaar had been the final straw. How she wished she really had stayed with the druids that time before. How different her life would be if she was now with them instead of here in her luxurious prison.

Then the messages started to appear. The first one arrived just days after Morgause had left Camelot and at a time when Morgana was feeling especially low. She had arrived in her chambers to find her widow slightly open and a small box sitting on the window sill containing a tiny scroll of paper.

_"I hope this finds you well,"_ it read, _"and I hope that bracelet is of some help to you. I wish I had been able to stay in Camelot longer in order to get to know you better. If you wish to reply, simply leave another note in place of this one."_

Morgana had instantly replied; just a few words that time, thanking the mysterious Morgause for the bracelet. The second one had appeared when she had been upset that Merlin had totally ignored her in the corridor earlier that day. She had thought he looked upset about something; his face even more pale than usual and his eyes rather red, but the fact he had so pointedly walked the other way when she knew he'd heard her, upset and offended her more than she had believed possible. Again she found a note on her return to her chambers. It didn't say very much, none of them ever did, but Morgana found these small pieces of communication were a great comfort to her, nonetheless.

She took to arranging trips outside of the castle; finding ever more extravagant excuses to go riding on her own, without even Gwen for company and discovered that it was far easier than she had expected; Uther and Arthur distracted by one thing or another and the guards notoriously bad at spotting her or questioning her motives on the rare occasions they did. Not that there was any reason for them to suspect the king's ward but, all the same, she had no doubt that Uther _would_ stop her little trips if he knew, 'worried about her safety' no doubt.

Of course, the main reasons for these excursions was that she was hoping to meet Morgause out here, assuming that she was using magic to send the notes and suspecting that she was keeping an eye on her for some reason. Morgana hoped that the blonde woman might take advantage of these regular jaunts and make herself known to her. It did not bother her that Morgause was a sorceress because Morgana had felt a real and genuine pull towards her and didn't believe that she could be evil. In fact she began to obsess over Morgause during those long, lonely months. Anticipating the next note, planning what she would say if they met again and thinking about what she should write in her next message.

However, despite her wish, she never did run into the lady during those outings although, there was one occasion where she did cross paths with someone else.

"Morgana? What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, hello, Merlin. I'm just out for a ride."

"On your own?" The young man had a bag over one shoulder and a bunch of greenery in his hand, his hair delightfully ruffled and showing signs that he had scrabbled under a bush in order to reach one of his prizes.

"Yes, on my own, Merlin. I am a grown woman you know?"

One of Merlin's eyebrows raised slightly and he was unable to prevent a small smirk appearing on his face. "I had noticed," he drawled, his eyes instantly drawn to her breasts.

"You did more than notice that last time, I seem to remember," she retorted, dismounting and finding a nearby tree to tie her horse to.

He grinned again before shaking his head, obviously trying to be more serious. "Why are you out here though, Morgana, truthfully?"

She had thought a few of the glances he had thrown her way recently seemed suspicious but had dismissed it as a figment of her imagination – just an over-reaction to his attempt to keep his distance. She had briefly wondered if he'd known about her assassination attempt on Uther, about her stealing the crystal. The way he'd confronted her in Arthur's chambers that time. Surely he couldn't have suspected her of being involved?

"I need to get away sometimes," she said, surprising herself at how quickly she'd started telling him the truth. "You know how I had wanted to stay with the Druids before? I so often think what it could have been like to stay there, to learn magic, to take care of Mordred."

He frowned, shaking his head. "I'm sorry … I should never have..."

"No, I'm glad you did, but now? Now I feel imprisoned here sometimes and feel the need to escape, however briefly. I get so bored at times and, at others, so scared."

"You? Scared? I find that hard to believe."

"You've seen me scared, Merlin, don't try and be polite."

"It'll be alright, Morgana, I promise." All traces of suspicion seemed to have disappeared and now Merlin was looking at her with concern and affection in his eyes. Then their eyes locked and she felt that connection they had shared before – along with that strange jolt in her stomach – now very much stronger than before. They were safe here in this secluded little valley, she was certain. She came here simply because it was so out of the way and Merlin was obviously hunting some rare herb or another for Gaius. There would be no-one coming along to disturb them. The thought made her insides jump with anticipation.

They were still looking at each other, Merlin's eyes now wide, his lips slightly parted and his breathing becoming shorter, just as it had during those times they had become intimate. She recognised the emotion for what is was now – desire – and she knew it was what she was feeling too.

Before she could give it any further thought or dissuade herself, Morgana moved forwards and threw her arms around Merlin lifting her head and hoping for a kiss but, in reality, expecting to be pushed away. However, to her great surprise, she felt his arms lock around her waist instead, half lifting her off the ground in his enthusiasm to press his lips against hers.

In some ways the kiss was as desperate as the previous one they'd shared but, in other ways, it was a world apart. His lips were firm and the kiss a little slower than before, despite its passion. His lips moved gently, sensually, his mouth opening as he kissed her whilst one hand slid up her back and the other moved down, pressing her hips firmly against his.

How could two kisses by the same man just a few months apart feel so totally different? Then the clumsy boy, now the confident man, and how could her own reaction be so different too? No fear at all about the way the kiss was deepening, or the way his body was so obviously reacting to her.

Morgana dared not move too much, for fear that Merlin would suddenly remember his position and pull away. She would leave Camelot soon, one way or another, she decided. Send a message to Morgause, to Alvarr, to the Druids. Find someone to teach her magic and set her free. In that world _this_ wouldn't matter, being kissed and being loved by a servant of no importance would not mean her shame or his death and so she would take this now, if he let her. A personal pact to seal her fate and prove that she could never turn back.

He muttered a few denials, a couple of whispered, 'we mustn't', but they were so half hearted that Morgana was confident that she could persuade him to continue.

The first time he paused she moved her hand down to the front of his trousers; gently caressing until he had resumed his passionate kissing. The second time she grabbed one of his hands and moved it first to her throat and then downwards, tempting him to explore below her dress and undergarment to caress her bare breast.

His lips found her neck then, his hands desperately fumbling at the ties on her dress before quickly, and surprisingly expertly, slipping the bodice and undergarment off her shoulders and down to her waist, leaving her topless.

"Merlin!" she gasped holding his head close against her; encouraging him rather than pulling him away. She found herself being gently lowered to the floor then, his lips now on one of her breasts, whilst one hand slid slowly up her stockinged leg, first on the outside and then to the inside, travelling ever higher and causing all sorts of delighted tremors to rush through her body.

She pulled at his neckerchief with one hand, whilst the other slid under his shirt hunting for the bare skin, desperate for him to catch up, desperate to see what he looked like under those baggy clothes.

He got the hint, sitting up for long enough to strip his shirt off, his eyes staring at her form sprawled topless on the grass below him. "Beautiful." His voice sent shivers down her spine as his gaze devoured her. His slim form was no less entrancing to her, his pale skin covering surprisingly well toned muscles, despite being so slim. He quickly lay down on top of her then, so that their bare skin touched. Such amazing sensations, more than Morgana had ever though possible and yet, despite all the new temptations, she found her attention drawn to his face, to his cheeks – unable to stop admiring that amazing bone structure. He stopped her exploration by kissing her passionately again and she gave him a little push as he did so, encouraging him to roll over.

It became a game from then on, the pair rolling over and over, now unable to kiss for giggling, Merlin's fingers now on her bare ribs tickling her whilst she returned the compliment – enjoying the fact that he seemed even more sensitive than her.

The tickling of ribs turned into ticking of the waist and then lower, Morgana's dress being pushed down to her hips and then further still, Merlin's trousers being untied and lowered too. When had they become naked? Morgana couldn't remember exactly, but now the game was to see just how many places they could find to kiss and who had the greater number of ticklish spots. Merlin it seemed.

"I notice you ignored me about getting more food to eat," she mumbled as she kissed the area around Merlin's stomach, whilst he rapidly switched between moaning and giggling, and Morgana wondered if she had the courage to move even lower, to kiss even more intimate parts.

"I never do as I'm told, you should know that by now," he gasped, squirming on the grass below her, tangling his fingers in her long hair. She started to move her lips lower as planned but Merlin intervened, sitting up and pushing her onto her back again, quickly kneeling between her legs, moving closer, getting ready to enter her.

"You're going to have to be the one to end this, Morgana," he gasped, pushing up against her firmly, as he leant over her, blue iris' almost invisible against large black pupils. "I want you so badly, always have done."

"Yes, I know." She opened her legs further, shifting her hips upwards, enjoying the feel of him against her and just wanting more. "Please!"

Her request seemed to be all Merlin was waiting for, because with one firm push, and a great deal less pain than she had been expecting, he was inside her. She felt a strange warmth as he pulled out slightly and then pushed again, the feeling that any discomfort was being muted somehow, softened by a warm blanket of … something. But then the sensations changed again, waves and waves of pleasure starting to travel up and through her body as he continued to move, continued to make love to her.

She hadn't expected this. She wasn't sure what she _had_ expected exactly, only that this was so much better than she had ever believed possible. He was calling her name now, chanting it like a prayer and it felt even better then, knowing that it wasn't all about a man's power over a woman but that it worked the other way around too. He had wanted her and needed her. His gasps and moans proving that he was in her thrall just as much as she was in his.

Such pleasure, such total ecstasy and, she was crying out his name too. Then, when it was over, they just held each other tight, neither wanting to move or face what was going to happen next. The inevitable denials, the inevitable fears.

"Thank you," she mumbled, determined to get some positive comment in first. "I needed that, Merlin, I think we both did."

"Perhaps..." He paused and then sighed. "No, you're right, whatever else happens, we shouldn't regret it."

"I could never regret _that_." She felt him laugh briefly, his body rising and falling quickly as they continued to hold each other tightly. "I don't want to regret … this." She pushed her hips against him on the final word and he moaned slightly. She moved her head then, tilting it up to his face and quickly felt his lips against hers again, kissing her passionately once more.

"But still, we shouldn't have … _you_ shouldn't have. You've a reputation you..." He groaned. "You could end up with child."

"Hush. No regrets, remember?"

"But..."

"Trust me. We got it out of our system, we'll be fine now. We see so little of each other in Camelot anyway. We'll just go back to pretending we have no feelings for each other, just like we did before. It'll be fine."

"If Arthur ever found out..."

"He won't. Why would he?"

He sighed again. "We really should be getting back, we'll be missed."

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Things will get better soon. Easier. I'm sure of it," he said.

"Always so optimistic, aren't you, Merlin?"

"I have to be. I have to believe that things will get better. Otherwise, what would be the point." He sighed again and she saw something in his eyes that she had not seen before. A sadness so obvious despite his positive words. She pulled away from him reluctantly, walking around to retrieve her clothes and knowing that Merlin's eyes were following her, even without turning around. When she had dressed she turned to see him sitting up, still naked, still watching her hungrily.

"I'll be going now," she said, moving towards him for long enough to bend down and give him a quick kiss, her eyes committing his lithe body to memory. "You should follow a little later. Just in case."

He just nodded in reply and, when she had mounted her horse and turned back it was to see him still sitting there. Cross legged and ethereal looking, as if he were part of the forest itself

~o~0~o~


	8. A Poisonous love

**(Set during 2x12)**

It must have been a dream, Merlin thought as he woke up the next day. Meeting Morgana in the forest, making love to her. He smiled, despite his feelings of guilt about the encounter. It had been wonderful and passionate and … magical.

And, he had to try to forget about it. If that was even possible.

Perhaps the whole situation would be easier to deal with if Morgana hadn't been acting so suspiciously lately. Ever since her plan to have Uther killed, Merlin had begun to realised that there was a darker side to the young lady that he now knew so intimately, and, no matter how hard he tried to ignore them, those words of warning given to him by Gaius and the dragon kept intruding into his mind; constantly saying that she was not to be trusted – reminding him of his folly.

The recent situation with Alvarr, Mordred and the crystal had just made him even more uncertain of where her loyalties lay. Merlin knew that it had been Morgana that had stolen Arthur's key and the crystal, in order to pass it on to Alvaar and, like Uther, was also quite certain that she had helped the man escape. 'Charismatic' Gaius had called the Druid and Merlin found himself gritting his teeth at the thought of how attracted Morgana might have been to the man – fighting foreign feelings of jealous and wondering if, perhaps, any attraction she may have felt for the Druid had influenced her decisions somehow.

However, Merlin's mind had been on other things in recently months – first dealing with his all consuming grief regarding Freya's death and more recently those dratted crystal visions that he just couldn't seem to get out of his head.

His love for Freya felt so real, despite the brief time they knew each other that, for a while, he found it easy to avoid Morgana, easy to ignore her but, despite having so recently lost the love of his life, despite feeling that he didn't fully trust Morgana, Merlin had still allowed himself to become involved with her or … perhaps even because of that?

Merlin sometimes felt there there was something more at work here. Something dark deep inside him that was attracted to the darker side of her. He knew that he had felt desperate after loosing Freya; not just sexually but emotionally too. He kept getting the feeling that his life was moving quickly out of his control and that perhaps, as a result, he had needed to find something real, something strong that could ground him. In the end he supposed that much of this guilt he was feeling was because he didn't fully understand why he had allowed himself to become involved with Morgana in that secluded valley. Didn't know, even now, how much of his feelings for her were love or friendship or lust. Either way, he had now become closer to Morgana than he had ever intended and had to admit that he had no idea what that would mean for him or for his supposed destiny.

~o~0~o~

Merlin had set out with Arthur and a group of knights to investigate the strange goings on at the castle of Idirsholas, and what they had found there had confirmed Gaius' worst fears. The pair had returned bruised and battered to Camelot only to find it totally silent and all its inhabitants fallen into a deep sleep.

All but one.

Of course, once Merlin realised this was magic at work, he initially assumed that Morgana was still awake because of her ability and, at that point in time, it was simply a matter of thinking quickly on his feet and trying to make up excuses to distract Arthur – to hold to his promise about keeping her magic a secret. Despite recently questioning her motives, Merlin instinct was still to trust her – to help her in any way he could. Perhaps he was influenced by their recent time together, perhaps he was just generally in denial but then, when he began to feel unnaturally tired, a sudden, hopeless feeling of dread started to gather in his stomach which had nothing to do with this magical illness.

If Morgana was immune to this spell then he should be too.

There was so little time, that was the problem. Merlin wanted to quiz Morgana about what she knew, but Arthur was throwing questions at her in such a way that was making her nervous and defensive. The prince was also totally focused on ensuring Uther's safety and so, at first, it was impossible to get away from him for long enough to do any research. Eventually Merlin was given a chance and grabbed it – running down to the dragon – looking for answers...

And not liking them one little bit.

"It is one thing to cast a spell that puts everyone to sleep. The power to maintain it is a very different matter," the giant creature informed him. "It will need more than just words to break this enchantment."

More riddles. "What do you mean?"

"You must eradicate the source, Merlin."

"Great. What is that?"

"Not what, but who. Such spells need a vessel, a constant living presence to give them strength. The source of this pestilence is the witch, the Lady Morgana."

His heart dropped. "Can't be," he denied; images of their time together flashing through his mind as if they were crystal visions.

_Her smile as she teased him, her laugh as he tickled her, her gasp as he kissed her naked skin..._

"I have warned you about her in the past, but you have failed to take heed. She is dangerous!"

"No."

 _Her soft lips on his, her warm skin under his finger tips, the way she called_ _out_ _his name as he made love to her._

"And now she has chosen to turn her back on her own."

Why was he surprised? Hadn't he questioned her attitude himself only recently? "How do I stop her? he asked, suddenly determined.

"That is easy, young warlock. You must kill her."

"No!" he whispered – his mind struggling to comprehend what he had just been told – trying to ignore the underlying smug tone evident in the dragon's words. There had to be another way. Surely.

"The spell is woven with magic of such power that even you are not immune. You must act now before it's too late. If you do not, then Camelot will fall and Arthur will die, and the future you were destined to share will die with you."

His destiny. Again. Did it always keep coming back to that? In order to protect one friend he had to kill another?

But, as he left the cave and made is way back to Gaius' chambers, Merlin realised that it was far bigger than one life for another. If the dragon was right, then it wasn't just a choice between Arthur and Morgana, it was a choice between Morgana and the whole of Camelot, including his own life.

Something else would come to him soon, he was sure and, even though the sickness was rapidly taking hold and he was struggling to even remember where he was supposed to be or what Arthur had sent him off to do, Merlin clung onto the idea that something else _would_ occur to him – eventually.

But … his eyes were drawn to Gaius' potion shelf before he knew it. There was no harm in being prepared, was there? Just in case. With only a brief pause, Merlin picked up the bottle of hemlock and rushed back out of the chambers.

~o~0~o~

It couldn't be right. None of this made any sense. She seemed so scared and confused and so utterly unsure. How could she be part of this plot this time? This was not the same Morgana that came to him last year with fire burning in her eyes as she talked of her feelings for Uther and how Arthur should be king immediately. This was a young woman who had no idea what was going on.

Unless she had him completely in her thrall. Unless she had played him all along just to keep him off balance. Unless she'd deliberately seduced him in order to distract him from her true motives.

But then he saw her face when Arthur mentioned Morgause and knew instantly she was lying when she admitted no knowledge of the sorceress' presence here. They had communicated – he was now certain of it. Morgana must have bargained Uther's life with Morgause just as she had with Tauren and Alvaar.

Merlin was still trying to help Arthur, trying to work out how to keep them safe, whilst the illness was taking hold, making it hard to think straight. Then, as he and Morgana were dragging Uther down the corridor, one of Morgause's knights appeared and Morgana slipped over in her haste to escape.

And it really was cowardly, and went against all Merlin's instincts, but Arthur had ordered him to keep Uther safe and, by obeying that order, he had an excuse to continue on his way. Had the excuse to avoid his dilemma. Had the excuse not to use the small bottle that was currently feeling like a pile of stones in his jacket.

The knight lifted his sword and Merlin was certain his heart would break as Morgana called his name and pleaded for his help but then the creature reconsidered, abruptly halting his own blow before straightening up and turning his gaze towards Merlin. With his mind now full of confusion, the young sorcerer carried on dragging Uther away as fast as he could, now fearing for his own life.

" _It didn't kill her,"_ he thought to himself. _"It didn't attack. She_ must _have formed an alliance with Morgause to bring Camelot down, but why does she seem to confused? Is she really that good at acting? Are Gaius and the dragon right, after all? Can they see a part of Morgana that I am blind to? Are my feelings for her preventing me from facing the truth? If she is a threat to Camelot and to Arthur then … I really don't have a choice. Do I?"_

~o~0~o~

Merlin hardly remembered how they had all ended up in the Great Hall. Arthur had intervened somewhere along the line, that much he knew, but his exhausted mind was now so full of confusion and hurt over Morgana's apparently betrayal and what he knew he must do, that everything seemed to be a blur.

He could fall asleep at any moment and so he had to stop this curse _now_ but …

… one last chance.

"Why didn't that knight kill you?" he asked her in an urgent whisper.

"How should I know? Because I'm a woman?"

It was a poor excuse, which appeared to confirm his suspicion that she wasn't telling him the truth. Up until that point she had seemed so genuinely confused but now … now he realised that she _was_ part of this – that she knew only too well what was going on.

"He's not going to survive out there," Morgana said fearfully as Arthur left the Hall to face the knight alone.

"I know."

"We've got to do something."

_No time. No ideas. No choice._

"I know."

~o~0~o~

How had it come to this, Merlin mused as he looked up to the ornate ceiling through a haze of tears and listened to Morgana's last, harsh breaths. How was it that days after holding her in his arms after making love to her, he was now holding her in his arms after killing her.

~o~0~o~


	9. Truth and Lies

  
**(** **Set after 2x12 and during 3x01)**   


Morgana woke up screaming. It seemed that, nowadays, she _always_ woke up screaming

She looked around, wide-eyed to find herself in a grey stoned bedchamber; darker and plainer than the one she was used to, but fairly luxurious all the same. She was still sobbing - fighting with the images of her nightmare, uncertain what was real and what were visions - when she found herself enclosed in a reassuring hug; warm arms wrapped around her, reassuring words whispered in her ear.

"It's all right, it's all right. I'm here. I'm here."

Half expecting it to be Gwen, Morgana noticed blonde hair on the edge of her vision and pulled back surprised. "Morgause?" She blinked. "W-what happened?"

"You were poisoned," the lady replied, her voice steely.

"No..." There was a memory there, just out of reach but, it couldn't be true, it _had_ to have been a vision.

"My darling, you've been so courageous but you're not alone now. You never need be alone again. I'm the only one you can trust. I'm all you have left in the world."

Another memory tried to make itself known but again Morgana shook it away, "No..."

"Forgive me. I had no idea how cruel they all were to you. I thought it only Uther that hurt you. I had no idea that Arthur was so against you too."

"Arthur? No … He cares for me. He and Gwen and … Merlin..." She frowned, suddenly uncertain.

"That dark haired servant? He was the one that poisoned you, Morgana. He planned to kill you so that he could bribe me. He sacrificed your life for that worthless king's."

"No, he wouldn't. Not Merlin." Fresh tears started. "No..."

He loved her. She had loved him. Memories of their time together in the secluded valley returned with force. Her name on his lips as he kissed and touched her, as he made love to her. Had that all been an act? Had it truly meant nothing to him?

"But I brought you back with me, brought you back from death," Morgause continued proudly. "Here you are with your true kin, Morgana. Here you are safe."

"Not Merlin," she repeated as more images slammed into her mind. His weak smile as he offered her the water skin. His tear filled eyes as he turned around and watched her struggle for breath. His warm arms as he pulled her to him, holding her as she died. "No..."

Morgause frowned, her look suddenly suspicious. "What is this boy to you?"

"He's my … friend. I trusted him."

"Those without magic can never be trusted. They do not understand us, not truly. This Merlin knew about your ability?"

"Well yes, but..."

"Then you have your answer. Do not believe he was your friend, Morgana. Do not think he could ever care about someone with magic. How could he hope to understand what you are going through, the trials you have suffered."

"But he helped me," Morgana insisted. "He was the only one who listened. The only one who cared."

"And yet he sacrificed you in a heartbeat. Sacrificed you for Uther."

"No, he wouldn't have." She felt fresh tears threatening. "Why would he?"

"What is his role, this Merlin?"

"He's Arthur's manservant."

"Then it is obvious. His duty is to his master and Arthur's duty is to Uther. The boy would have done anything to protect the king on the prince's orders. Even if that meant sacrificing you."

"But they were afraid and ill. Everyone was asleep and they were... I think..." She frowned and stared up at the sorceress. "Why were they all asleep?"

"I meant none of them harm I promise you. Only Uther," Morgause reassured her. "Just as I said. I promised you that I'd kill him and then all would be right in the world."

"But, they were all so sick and afraid," she argued, unconvinced. She herself had been terrified when everyone had become ill.

"I only put the others asleep to keep them safe," Morgause insisted. "Whilst in that state the knights would not harm them. They would only attack those that were conscious. Those that tried to stop them from reaching the king."

"You would have left Arthur alive?" she asked, unconvinced.

"Of course," Morgause replied brightly.

"Yes, of course but, if you'd just explained beforehand, then I would..."

"...come and dine with me, Morgana. Eat. Food always makes me feel better."

"I'm not hungry."

"Anything you want, you can have. I'll give it to you," she pushed.

"Why?"

"Because we are kin, and not just because we share magic." Morgause smiled gently, taking her hands. "We also share a mother."

"What?"

"I know you felt it. I know you felt the connection between us."

"You're my sister?" she gasped.

"Yes, Morgana and so, you see, you really are home now. You can forget all about your life in Camelot as Uther's ward. Forget about those who pretended to care about you. Forget Arthur, Gwen and Merlin. They do not have magic, they do not understand."

"Perhaps, but..."

"Right now though you need some rest, some proper rest."

"Yes..."

"Then we will eat and then I will start to teach you."

Morgana blinked, confused. "Teach me?"

"How to use and control your magic."

Morgana suddenly smiled broadly, all her other concerns forgotten. "You will?"

"Of course. I am the only one who truly cares about you, the only friend you have left in this world. For you, sister, I will do anything."

**One Year Later**

It was time for Morgana to return to Camelot. Time to play her part in Morgause's plan. Time to seek revenge on all those that had wronged her. Uther, Gaius and Merlin must suffer for the very real harm they had caused her. Even Arthur and Gwen were to blame for their neglect of her. They may not have actively harmed her as the others had, but they had started to pull away, not attempting to understand what she had been going through and, if they did know - if they knew exactly what she was - they would have abandoned her in a heartbeat. Look what Merlin had done when he had found out the truth.

No, she cared for none of them now. From now on, everything she did was for herself and for Morgause.

Morgana's resolve faltered as soon as she set eyes on him though. On Merlin. She had tried so hard to forget about their times together but he often appeared in her dreams and visions which was making the task much harder than she'd hoped. He looked scared – as well he might. One word to Uther and he would hang for what he had done to her. It was a reassuring thought – knowing she had that power over him now. Knowing that he could not harm her again for all sorts of reasons. Somehow she'd find the strength to get through this but first … First she had to convince him that she had forgiven him. First she had to pretend that she had not changed at all.

~o~0~o~

"Merlin. I want to speak to you. I know what you did. You tried to poison me."

He moved back towards her cautiously. "I didn't want to." He looked terrified.

"It's alright, Merlin. I understand. You were just trying to protect your friends, I would have done the same."

"Really?" He blinked but Morgana knew he wasn't fully convinced yet.

"I was so naïve, Merlin. I don't think I really understood what I was doing. But, believe me, I have seen the evils in this world. I have seen first hand what it is that Uther fights against. You don't know how much I regret everything that I've done. I just... hope that you can forgive me."

His expression softened and, against her better judgement, her heart skipped when she saw it. "I am _so_ sorry for everything you've been through. It's good to have you back."

He smiled then, her heart gave a jolt and she inwardly cursed herself for the reaction. She _had_ to do this, even if she now realised that it wasn't going to be as easy as she had convinced herself or her sister. Merlin was the one that knew her the best; in every way but, if she could fool him, then she could fool anyone. She stood up and walked slowly toward him.

"Morgana, are you sure you're strong enough? Perhaps you should..."

"Plenty of time for rest," she replied as she walked past him and checked the slightly open door to make sure that Arthur really had left. She turned back and found her resolve nearly faltering as she looked at his face; his eyes still wide eyed and nervous. Her heart was beating faster again, just looking at those blue eyes, those cheeks. Everything about him reminded her of their time in the valley. She moved closer and threw her arms around his shoulders and he responded by hugging her back. So warm, so tempting and, before she had even made a conscious decision to do so, they were kissing. There was passion there, certainly, but he was being gentle; oh, so tender and careful and it was wonderful in so many ways...

No! She must not let herself fall for him again. She couldn't afford to.

"I missed you," she whispered. One part of her hating that she was actually telling the truth as she said it. "I missed … this."

"Yes," he agreed. "It broke my heart what I had to do, Morgana. If there had been any other way..."

"Hush, Merlin. Everything is all right now. I forgive you."

~o~0~o~

"My sister. How have you fared?"

Their latest abode was one of the least luxurious they been in during the last year but it was shelter enough and Morgana realised that she felt at home simply because Morgause was here. Her only friend. The one who had saved her in more ways than one. "Camelot has welcomed back its daughter with open arms," she declared.

"Uther does not suspect?"

She scoffed at the suggestion. "He laps up my lies like the snivelling dog that he is."

"And the boy?"

Her heart missed a beat as it always did when she thought of him. She would be strong, she would not allow even her sister to know just how much he had once meant to her.

"Merlin? He believes I've changed. And he's right. Soon he will see exactly how much."

And, until that time, she planned to have a great of fun with him. Planned to break his heart just as much as he had broken hers.

"You've done well." When Morgause praised her it felt as if she was the strongest woman in the world. It felt as if she could achieve anything she wanted. "The tears of Uther Pendragon have only begun to fall."

~o~0~o~


	10. Consequences for Kings and Sorcerers

  
**(** **Set during 3x01)**   


"Merlin. Are you all right?" Gaius asked seriously as the young man walked slowly into the physician's chambers in a daze, his lips still tingling from his recent kiss from Morgana.

"I don't know," he mumbled.

"We have to get you out of the city. You'll need food, horses..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You are if you want to keep that head on your shoulders."

"Gaius … she forgave me." He felt tears prick his eyes as he said the words, just as he had when she had told him. When he had held her his arms, warm and safe. A new, pleasant last memory to erase the previous painful one.

"You always said she had a good heart," Merlin continued, although he could see the old man was not entirely convinced. He wasn't sure he was either. Couldn't help but remember the alliances she had regularly sought, couldn't help but question the story she had told Arthur.

_If Morgause had saved her life then why hadn't she also kept her safe from the bandits?_

He pushed that question to one side, enjoying the feeling of euphoria that was now bubbling up to replace the fear and guilt he'd held onto for the last year. And so, it was a very different young man that left the physician's chamber that morning, and even Arthur questioned his sudden change of mood from the distracted terrified servant that had arrived back with him the previous day, to the one who couldn't stop grinning, even after a morning full of tedious chores.

As a result Merlin found that the day flew by and it was no time at all before he was leaving Gaius' chambers after supper on his way to perform his final evening duties for Arthur. En route he encountered Morgana in the corridor wearing a lilac dress and cloak and looking very determined.

"Hello," he said and she smiled brightly back at him.

"Merlin," she purred and he felt his body react and his cheeks heat instantly.

"W-where are you off to?" he asked casually.

"Oh nowhere, just going for a walk." She glanced around before grinning wickedly, grabbing his wrist and dragging him into their alcove. Once there, she pushed him up against the wall and kissed him soundly; one hand on his neck and the other on his lower back pressing his hips against hers.

"Morgana." He was quite aware that his complaint sounded very half-hearted.

"Hmm, someone's pleased to see me," she whispered, pressing her hips against his in a very suggestive movement.

Merlin groaned at wonderful sensations the contact created and allowed it for a little while before reluctantly pulling away.

"I thought we were going to stop doing this?" he gasped.

"Was that before or after you seduced me in that valley?" she replied cheekily, her hips still pulsing against his in a rhythm that only brought memories of that time even closer to mind.

"Morgana … I really do think that..." Once again his complaint was quickly silenced by her lips, whilst her fingers started running through his recently cut hair. He gave up the fight then, moving forwards until it was her back was up against the opposite wall - then sliding his hands slowly up from her hips to her breasts - their kissing becoming even more passionate.

To his surprise it was Morgana that eventually broke it off, giving him a gentle push to make her point, her eyes sparkling with desire.

"Honestly, Merlin, I don't know what you were thinking, dragging me in here like that," she scolded him. "Haven't you got work to do?"

"But, it was you..." he spluttered incredulously before noticing the gleam in her eyes and realising that she was teasing him.

She laughed brightly at his expression, kissed him once more, very briefly, and then headed back down the corridor, her heels clicking on the stone floor. Merlin dropped back against the wall, grinning slightly despite his better judgement, before taking a few deep breaths to calm himself and then rushing over to Arthur to endure a lecture for being late.

How was that fair?

~o~0~o~

The following morning Morgana collared him again, this time in his own chambers. Gaius had left early and Merlin, typically, was running late, panicking because his blue shirt was still damp from where he'd hastily washed it last night and leaving it until the very last moment before he was forced to put it on.

"You're still far too thin, Merlin," she said from the doorway and laughed at his muffled yelp; his head and arms still trapped in the shirt.

"W-what are you doing here?" he gasped as his head emerged, looking at the door guiltily.

"It's all right, Gaius went to the king after he checked up on me this morning." She raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Uther wants a progress report on my health, apparently."

"He's been very worried about you," Merlin commented, wincing as the still damp shirt settled against his skin.

"Yes, I know. Apparently there's to be a huge banquet tonight in my honour."

"So I heard. What are you doing here, Morgana? I'm really do need to go and attend to Arthur."

"He can wait," she said, stepping towards him with a smirk. "Let me attend to you first."

"Ah … this shirt's still a bit damp…" he started to explain as she moved forwards, looking for a kiss.

"Yuck! That won't do at all, you'd better take it off."

"Morgana!" But she was already pulling at the hem and lifting it so quickly he had little time to object.

"I'm going to start smuggling you some food," she said, ducking her lips to his chest, kissing him there as her hands caressed his stomach. Merlin tried to reply to that but it only came out as a strangled moan as her hands went lower, quickly undoing his trousers and plunging her hands inside.

"Morgana..." he gasped again, as she continued to undress him, lowering his trousers past his hips and causing them to fall down around his ankles.

"Didn't I say I was going to attend to you?" she laughed, taking a firm hold of him and stroking him confidently.

"I'll … be … late …"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Merlin," she answered with another smirk. "Something tells me you won't be lasting very much longer." He groaned. "Or are you saying that you _really_ want me to stop?" She took her hand away abruptly and looked up at him cheekily.

"No, no... please," he begged and she laughed brightly at his response and quickly continued her ministrations.

~o~0~o~

Merlin had to admit that he had been concerned about Uther's obsession about Morgana in the year she had been away and often wondered at it but, in hindsight, he supposed it could well have been the early signs of the illness that the king now seemed to be suffering from. As if the sudden relief of having his ward back had caused him to drop his defences and allow some latent darkness to take a hold of him.

Morgana seemed just as confused and concerned as everyone else during Uther's strange outbursts, but then Merlin didn't see her often during those next few days. She'd smile at him sometimes as they crossed paths in the corridors; a radiant, cheeky grin, as if somehow knowing that Merlin was thinking of their last early morning encounter in his bed chambers. And how could he not. He was honestly struggling to keep his mind on anything else recently.

They'd all assumed that the king's first display during Morgana's 'welcome home' banquet was a one off – brought on by too much mead or perhaps, Merlin thought wryly, they were just being overly optimistic. However, when Uther had another incident in the council chambers - staring at nothing, his eyes full of fear - the situation could no longer be ignored and the tension in the Hall was palpable.

What did you say? How were you supposed to react when your King was quite obviously loosing his mind?

After that, things became so busy and crazy that Merlin barely had time to think. When a guard was found seriously injured, apparently stabbed by a traitor within Camelot, he and Gaius ended up constantly on the move, dashing between chambers, checking on both the king and the guard and collecting supplies.

The man's unexpected death that very same night had Gaius confused and suspicious and so the physician had sent Merlin to see Uther and leave him his medicine that night, whilst the old man tried to work out what was really going on.

Merlin had just finished that duty, checking the king was sleeping soundly, when the sound of something dripping made him pause and he followed the sound, bending down to check the strange, mud-like substance on the floor. When he heard approaching footsteps he reacted on pure instinct, diving under the bed, even though he had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

That's when his world, which had recently started to come together, began to rapidly unravel again as someone entered the room and grabbed the strange root hanging next to him that was practically screaming of magic.

Deep down Merlin knew who those steps and that hand belonged too, even as part of him tried to deny it, but there was no mistaking what he saw when he peered out from under the bed. The same lilac dress that he had held close to his body in the alcove the other day, the long dark hair plaited down her back that he had run his fingers through as she had seduced him in his chambers.

He may not be as well read and knowledgeable as Gaius, but Merlin's magic was unique and peculiarly instinctive and he _knew_ that root had something to do with Uther's illness and that Morgana was involved somehow, even if he didn't know exactly what or how.

So, the young man wondered, as he followed her down the corridors and out into the night, was this just another plot against Uther, or had everything she'd said and done since she'd returned been a lie? Had she really forgiven him for the poisoning or had those meetings with him just been a way to distracting him; hoping that his desire for her would over-ride his good sense?

Well, if that was the case then she had almost succeeded. Merlin grit his teeth and continued to follow her out of Camelot and into the night – shaking his head - still not wanting to believe it, despite all the evidence. Despite the tragic inevitability of it. Despite his heart.

~o~0~o~

He had done this a couple of times before and Morgana had never come close to noticing him so Merlin remained confident as he followed her out into the forest to see who she was to meet. And honestly, why was he even surprised? How had he allowed himself to forget that one, vital question?

_Why had Morgause allowed her to be captured after she had worked so hard to cure her?_

That had made no sense at the time but, of course, after she had forgiven him, after she had kissed him, Merlin had completely forgotten about it and now it wasn't just Uther's sanity at stake. Cenred's army was riding for a Camelot that had a sick king and an uncertain prince and, if he hadn't allowed himself to become quite so distracted and besotted, things may never have reached this point.

"Finally we are ready," Morgause announced as Merlin moved closer to the pair to eavesdrop.

"Not quite,"Morgana replied calmly. "Merlin suspects me."

Merlin's attention was suddenly brought back to the here and now, his mind racing. How did she know that? He'd only just figured it out himself.

"Has he told Arthur?" Morgause asked.

"Not yet, but he will."

"Well then, we must stop him."

"That will not be difficult."

"Why?"

Morgana's reply was practically a snarl. "Because he's already here."

She had seen him. She knew he'd followed her and now, any plans he'd started to invent quickly deserted him, instinct took over and he ran.

The look on her face though. Morgause had just seemed confused on seeing him here but Morgana? Morgana seemed to be enjoying the situation, finding it humorous rather than problematic. After witnessing all types of expressions on her face; joy, fear, anger and desire, seeing that knowing smirk directed at him was more than he could bear.

The pain of that was even worse than what he suffered next. Enchanted chains that even his magic couldn't break, giant serkets coming closer to attack him. All seemed lost.

~o~0~o~

The deadly venom was beginning to travel through his body and the young warlock feared he had called for Kilgharrah far too late. As he fell to the ground, loosing consciousness, a strange breeze started to waft the leaves over his face and Merlin suddenly recalled Morgause's last words to him.

"You chose to poison one of my own. You may regret that."

If he wasn't in so much pain he would have laughed at the irony. Regret that? Of course he regretted it, but not for the reasons the sorceress believed.

Yes, he was suffering now as a direct response to that one, desperate act, but his inevitable death seemed of little importance right now. His poisoning of Morgana had lead to her changing beyond all recognition and his only thought now was that, if it wasn't for Arthur and their shared destiny, he would welcome death as a blessed relief. He would welcome it because he didn't believe he could ever look at Morgana again without recalling the part he had played in her transformation. Didn't know how he could ever stand in front of her without seeing the girl he'd once admired. The one he'd helped. The one he'd loved.

The one he'd poisoned.

~o~0~o~


	11. Accepting Stalemate

**(Set during and after 3x02)**

She was free of him. Finally.

No, she didn't regret his death, of course she didn't. He had been willing to sacrifice her life for _his_ cause and so she too was happy to sacrifice his for hers.

Happy. Yes. Of course she was.

And, if she had cried into her pillow that night it was only due to a sense of relief. The fact that that one annoying chapter of her life was over. Perhaps she felt a little sad when she thought back to the love they'd once shared. A love she could never truly have had but, that was all … nothing more.

No regrets.

And then, the following morning, Morgana looked out of her window onto the courtyard and… there he was, striding alongside Arthur just as if nothing had changed.

'It didn't make any sense. What had happened? How was he still alive?' Then another far more worrying question.

"What has he done now?"

As soon as she was dressed, Morgana hurried down to Uther's chambers only to find the room tidy, the king peacefully asleep and the mandrake root gone. And there was Gaius being oh-so-polite and civil but, exactly what had that meddling boy told the old man?

~o~0~o~

She collared him at their alcove, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him towards her, but this encounter was very different from most of their previous ones.

"I don't know how you managed to escape," she snarled at him, "but I do know one thing: If you breathe a word of what you saw, I will make your life a very short and painful one." His eyes were wide, his expression understandably fearful. "Just think how Uther would react if he learned that a serving boy had tried to poison his beloved ward."

There was a beat then, a pause, as if Merlin was confused by her choice of threat. Well, yes, that wasn't the only thing that would hang him, as he had been so keen to point out two years ago, but she simply smirked at him as if acknowledging that fact. As if daring him to bring up his other crimes. Then she strode away, quite certain that he would not be telling Arthur a thing.

When she told Morgause of Merlin's survival, her sister didn't seem especially concerned. The mandrake's job was done, she said and the army was ready to march. Morgana now had different orders and she was only too happy to oblige her sister. Happy to distract herself from images of a tall, dark, far-too-skinny servant and all the troubles he had caused her.

The problem was that he didn't _look_ all that frightened. Seeing what she knew, seeing what he'd done, Merlin should be terrified. He should be keeping his eyes down, avoiding her gaze but, here he was in the council chambers, glaring daggers at her across the room and she, of course, was staring right back - not willing to break eye contact. Not intending to show any sort of weakness in front of him.

He was obviously suspicious of her now, as well he might be, but she could cope with a few glares. In fact, she decided she rather liked those looks – rather enjoyed the illusion of power Merlin was managing to exude and Morgana found herself wondering if there might be time to pay him a visit before she cast the planned spell and use the very real power she now held over him to her advantage.

Have a little more fun with him before he died along with everyone else.

Or perhaps she should find a way to ensure that he was captured alive when Cenred's army took Camelot. The thought of what she could do to Merlin once she had him as her own private prisoner suddenly felt very, very exciting to Morgana.

Unfortunately there was no opportunity for such games at this point in time. The battle had started and Morgana had very many things she needed to do: Fetching supplies, helping to tend to wounded, playing her part so that no-one would be suspicious of her until she had a chance to slip away to her chambers.

Shortly after she'd arrived there, she heard the sound of footsteps approaching and quickly ducked behind the door, cursing herself for having forgotten that Merlin would have told Gaius that she was not to be trusted, even though she was quite certain he wouldn't have told him everything. She smirked at the thought. _That_ might be a fun thing to let slip at some point, if the old man became too nosy. Let him know exactly what his apparently sweet, innocent apprentice had done to the king's ward.

She stood perfectly still behind the door whilst she waited for the old man to leave her chambers and then quickly left, the magical staff now tucked safely under her arm.

~o~0~o~

Morgause had been correct. The staff had done it's work with very little effort on her part and yet, just as she was celebrating her success, just as she was waiting for their skeleton army to do its work, there he was again. Trying to persuade her to stop.

"You don't have magic, Merlin. How could you hope to understand?" she complained.

"I do understand, believe me," he tried to assure her, his eyes wide and his expression almost sympathetic. "If I had your gifts, I would harness them for good. That's what magic should be for. That's why you were born with these powers."

"You don't know what it's like to be an outsider," she scoffed. "To be ashamed of how you were born, to have to hide who you are." She paused, wondering genuinely whether she could still bring him over to their side. "Do you think I deserve to be executed because of who I am?"

"No." He paused. Looking at her. Pleading. "It doesn't have to be like this. We can find another way."

'We.' He was suggesting they worked together? And it was briefly tempting, she couldn't deny that. Merlin's obvious wit and uncanny ability to get out of numerous tricky situations would be of great use to their cause and, considering their relationship, considering his feelings for her, it would be possible, wouldn't it? To get him to change sides?

But no. His loyalty was to Arthur – she'd known that for a very long time now. Ever since he'd handed her that water skin in the council chambers. Ever since he had sacrificed her for his precious prince.

"There _is_ no other way," she replied firmly. Closing another door.

~o~0~o~

It was almost laughable; clumsy, common-born Merlin attempting to best her with a sword when she'd been known to give Arthur a run for his money when they were younger. And killing him _should_ have been easy, but she knew she was holding back. Not because she didn't want Merlin dead, of course. Not because she was too emotional or too attached to him, but because she still had that earlier idea in her head – to capture him and keep him as her plaything once all of this was over.

So, she toyed with him a bit – giving him time to defend her blows whilst she worked to find a way to overpower him. It would be so easy – his sword skills were pathetic. _He_ was pathetic. Fancy this mere servant believing that he could stop her all by himself.

Then Morgana heard the sound of crumbling of masonry above her head and then … there was nothing but darkness.

~o~0~o~

Despite the latest setback, it had been easy enough to convince Uther that she had been the one to save them all. The king would believe anything she said – fool that he was. Arthur too, of course.

And yet still Merlin taunted her. Still he glared at her across the crowded Hall, apparently trying to injure her with his stare. And now, at this moment, it seemed to excite her even more than before. Was he _really_ not afraid of her? Did he truly not believe that she would follow up on her threat to expose him?

~o~0~o~

"I won't let you get away with this, I promise you."

She jumped up from her dressing table in shock. "Merlin! How dare you enter my bedchambers without permission," she complained. Gwen had literally only just left. How had he timed that so well?

He laughed but there was little humour in it. "Hardly the worst of my crimes is it, my lady?"

"It certainly isn't but, don't worry, your luck will run out, sooner or later."

"Luck, was it?" He was glaring at her again, his blue eyes piercing, but there was a spark of humour in that gaze too as he moved closer to her – a hint of a threat. Morgana's heart was now pounding in her chest but, not from fear – from excitement. She had to admit she rather liked him like this. Confident, powerful … wild.

"I'll tell Uther about the poisoning," she threatened, although her voice had softened slightly. "Or about... this."

"Then I'll tell him what _you've_ been up to," he countered.

"He won't believe you."

"Are you willing to take that chance?" he asked coming closer still, and she decided to allow her excitement to show, licking her lips deliberately.

"Are you?" She took a slow, seductive step forward, so close to him that he had to look down at her, and she saw him notice the curves her nightdress was exposing and the obvious desire that suddenly appeared on his face as a result.

"T-that won't work on me any more," he stated, whilst his whole body language said otherwise.

She laughed brightly. "Who are you trying to convince, Merlin?" She quickly untied her light dressing gown, revealing very much more of her body underneath it.

He frowned. "I don't understand. You hate me now."

"Oh, I'm not sure it's as simple as love or hate between us any more," she purred taking hold of one strap and very, very slowly lowering it. His eyes widened but he did not move nor attempt to leave.

"I wont..." He shook his head, although his gaze didn't leave her as she slowly exposed one of her breasts to him. "You won't seduce me as you did before," he declared. "I know that's what you were doing. I know you were only trying to distract me – right back as far as Idirsholas."

She snarled at him suddenly, lifting her strap back onto her shoulder and pushing him hard on the chest with both hands. "Don't you _dare_ , Merlin. Don't you _dare_ put the blame for your poisoning onto me."

"I know you were in league with Morgause then, Morgana. I know you still are."

"And I know you won't tell Arthur any of this because I've got far more on you than you have on me," she declared. "You can make up grand tales of magic and alliances to your heart's content, but you know that it won't take much to convince them of this..." She started to lower the straps again. "Arthur thought it was true before anyway and he'll find it easy to believe that his servant was tempted into my bed." She didn't stop this time, allowing the nightdress to settle around her waist and leaving herself topless.

"Morgana." This time Merlin's voice was a growl and he started forward until she halted his progress, pushing him hard on the chest. With a snarl he grabbed her wrists and pulled, and she pushed back. It was anger and fire but also desire - she could see it in his eyes and, for a very brief moment, she thought he was going to kiss her. Hoped he would. Imagined how good it would feel to get involved with him now that they were both so fired up and so angry.

But then Merlin seemed to come to his senses, letting go of her wrists as if she'd burnt him, before backing slowly towards the door, still glaring at her.

"Stalemate then, Morgana but, I meant what I said before. Believe it to be luck on my part if it makes you feel better but, I'll be watching you and I _shall_ stop you if you ever go against Camelot again."

"And I'll be ready for you too, Merlin," she responded. "Have no doubt about that."

~o~0~o~


	12. The Evil That Will Follow...

**(Set during and after 3x05)**

_"The evil that will follow will be your doing and yours alone."_

Kilgharrah's words repeated constantly in Merlin's head as he sat at Morgana's bedside and pondered what he was about to do.

Gaius had warned him not to take the crystal visions at face value and that they might not have been a true representation of the future. He said that it was possible that he had simply misinterpreted what he'd viewed and had acted without fully understanding what he was seeing.

But, whatever would have happened, Merlin _had_ intervened and the result was to be Morgana's death. Kilgharrah had said that was a good thing and, seeing what Merlin now knew, considering her last promise to him, perhaps it _would_ all be much easier to simply let her die.

Yet, there was what her death would do to everyone here, and to Arthur and Gwen in particular. Merlin wanted to believe that he was only doing this to spare _their_ feelings but knew he was kidding himself. He could not let her die. Not like this. He could not go through the pain of believing he had killed her... again. Once had been bad enough.

So, he had forced Kilgharrah to give him the magical cure, used it to heal Morgana and tried to convince himself he had done the right thing, even as he remembered the conversation he'd recently overheard in these very chambers.

" _Gaius, you don't understand. There's something you should know. Something I've told no one. Morgana is my daughter."_

After Merlin's initial shock of Uther's confession, had come the realisation that he had actually lain with the king's daughter – something which made him feel both terrified and amused in equal parts. Not that it made any difference; daughter or ward - Merlin would still be a dead man in anyone found out what had happened between them. And then there was the way he'd felt in her chambers when he'd confronted her recently. The way he'd felt as much excitement and desire as he had anger and disgust as they had grabbed and pushed at each other - no matter how hard he'd tried to deny it in the weeks since. And it was probably the memory of _that_ incident that had put him off guard when they had had a similar encounter later on.

He and Gaius had been called to an attack on a servant and the young warlock had taken one look at the spilt wine and realised that the visions were still going to come true. He had then rushed to her chambers and grabbed her wrists in exactly the same way in his haste to try and put things right but, unlike before, Morgana's immature magic had overreacted and had thrown him across the room - setting the nearby hangings alight in the process. Then she had quickly left, leaving him for dead with no apparent concern at all.

It seemed that nothing Merlin ever did would be without consequences. If he hadn't had those crystal visions he wouldn't have tried to stop Morgana and if he hadn't tried to stop her then she wouldn't have fallen down the stairs. If she hadn't been dying then Uther would never spoken of his relationship to her to Gaius and she probably wouldn't have felt the need to attempt to kill him so crudely.

So, why had Merlin been shown the visions in the first place? Had he been shown them to make that future happen or to prevent it? Or was it all irrelevant. Would those events still have occurred in a slightly different way even if he had simply locked himself in his room these last few days and done absolutely nothing at all?

No matter how hard Merlin pondered the questions, no real answers presented themselves.

~o~0~o~

Just as Merlin had discovered how to sneak into Morgana's chambers undetected by hiding behind a tapestry in the corridor outside until Gwen had left, so it seemed that Morgana had now worked out Gaius' movements and had started to pay Merlin some unexpected visits too.

"You've more lives than a cat," she commented calmly, strolling into his small room unannounced. He froze at his desk, trying not to react negatively to her presence, before slowly turning around to look at her. Her expression was casual, her gaze thankfully wandering around the room lazily, so that she didn't notice the magic book that Merlin was currently reading. He closed it slowly, before subtly turning it over to hide the title and then standing up, eyeing her just as warily as she was eyeing him.

"As do you," he replied carefully. "Apparently that fall should have killed you."

"Apparently so."

"Why are you here this time, Morgana?"

"I've just come to see how you are," she replied. "No nasty burns?" The glee in her voice was obvious and Merlin had to resist the urge to gloat about how basic and instinctive her magic was at the moment – knowing that her attack of him had just been a result of pure, untrained instinct and certainly nothing to be quite so proud of. He grit his teeth. Would it have made a difference if he'd told her about his magic in the past? Or would that have been yet another weapon for her to use against him? It was irrelevant, anyway. He certainly couldn't confess now – it was far too late for that.

"I'm quite well, thank you," he managed to respond calmly.

"You know, despite everything, I find that I do keep dwelling on our time together in that little valley," she said with a small smile. "How about you?"

He shook his head; not meaning to deny it but rather as a warning that it wasn't a conversation he wanted to have with her right now.

"Not important."

She laughed. "Perhaps not but … it does make my dreams more interesting sometimes. A change from some of the others I have." She smiled again. "What about _your_ dreams, Merlin?"

"I am not playing this game, Morgana."

"No? Are you quite certain about that because I see the way you look at me, even now, and I know what it is you want."

"There is _nothing_ I want from you."

She walked closer and, before he realised what she was doing, her hand was caressing the front of his trousers again. She smirked. "Seems like you're lying again."

He pulled her hand away angrily. "I told you, Morgana. I don't feel like that about you any more. Not since you revealed your true colours."

"Oh, but that's not really true, is it, Merlin?" she laughed, moving forward as he backed away until she had him pinning him against the nearest wall. "Your 'feelings' are just as strong as mine are – even if they are rather different to what they used to be. I know you want it, Merlin. I can see it in your eyes and … here I am. What could be easier?"

"No..." he gasped, trying to find the will to push her away. She moved even closer, her hand caressing him again, her warm breath tickling his neck and Merlin felt his desire increasing even further. He would not be able to resist her for much longer, he was certain about that but then, just as he was about to give in, just as he was about to kiss her, she was gone, moving towards the door and leaving him feeling worryingly bereft.

"Oh, alright then if you're quite sure," she called out, laughing, "but, if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

Immediately after that encounter, Merlin felt even more confused. Unsure what her game was, muddled by his mixed feelings and annoyed at his own sexual reaction whenever she was around him. However, it was only later when he'd calmed down a little that he began to realise something else; remembering the way her pupils had become larger and the way her breathing had changed; getting faster and shallower the closer she moved towards him.

Perhaps he wasn't the only one that was confused about this situation, and perhaps he could use that to _his_ advantage.

~o~0~o~

To test out his theory, Merlin decided to lie in wait for Morgana in the armoury in the very early hours, knowing she often came in and out of the underground passageway in order to meet Morgause, and waiting for her inevitable return.

"You have to stop doing this, Morgana," he said as she strode past his hiding place, enjoying seeing her jump in shock at the sound of his voice.

Her surprise turned to a glare. "No, Merlin, it's _you_ that has to stop meddling. You have no right to follow me and question me. You are a servant -a nobody and your life is already in danger from me. You would do best to keep your head down and keep out of my life."

"Well, that might be easier if you didn't keep propositioning me in alcoves and bedchambers," he countered.

She smirked, turning around to confront him. "Ah, _now_ I see why you're here. Getting desperate, are you?"

He simply smiled back. "Well actually, I was thinking that it might not be me who's the desperate one here." He moved a bit closer to her. "Perhaps you enjoyed your time with me so much that you really want to do that again but have too much pride to beg me for it."

"How dare you!" she snarled coming closer and going to push him away. He grabbed her wrists but, remembering what had happened the last time they were in that position, decided to distract her by pushing her firmly against the armoury door and kissing her. He inwardly celebrated as he heard her groan in delight, now certain that his guess had been correct. Then her arms quickly wrapped themselves around his shoulders and she pressed her body firmly against him, kissing him back.

There was more anger in the kiss than passion but Merlin wasn't going to dwell on that right now. Right now he was here to test a theory and so, he quickly untied her cloak as he continued to kiss her, opened mouthed and greedy, just as her hands returned back to his trousers, finding him hard already.

"Who's the desperate one now?" she gasped gleefully between kisses. "You want me, admit it."

"Perhaps," he replied as he started to bunch up her skirts. Then, before she could come to terms with what was happening, Merlin quickly moved his hands up under her petticoat, pulled down her pantaloons and slid his hands slowly back up her now bare legs.

"What are you …?" she asked, but he stopped her question with his lips even as he moved one hand in-between her legs and started to caress her in return.

"However, it seems you want me just as badly," he mumbled in-between kisses.

He felt her sigh through the next kiss, even as she lifted one leg high up against his hip to allow him better access. He found her most sensitive spot and teased her there whilst holding her leg up with the other. Then he allowed himself to become rougher, stroking her with his whole hand and sliding fingers inside her at the same time, enjoying her passionate reaction. Enjoying his own.

"This is what you wanted wasn't it, Morgana? You only had to ask, you know?" he teased, laughing as he caught a muttered swear word in-between her gasps of delight. "Isn't it?" he asked, lifting her leg higher, focusing on her sensitive spot, moving a little closer to her.

"Yes!" she confessed, as she roughly untied his trousers, grabbing him in her hand and manoeuvring him up against her, adjusting herself against the door to give him better access. "Please … now, Merlin."

And he wanted to, despite everything – despite this twisted game, there was nothing more he wanted than to make love to her up against this door – if he could even use the work 'love' in this context - but that wasn't part of his plan.

"No, I don't think so, Morgana," he said, abruptly moving away from her and making to re-tie his trousers. "I don't believe I'm _that_ desperate after all." Then he strode out of the door grinning as he heard her frustrated reaction behind him. "Really, Morgana. Such unladylike language," he called over his shoulder as he left.

~o~0~o~


	13. Power Games

**(Set around 3x07 & 3x08) **

"Men like Cenred are easy to manipulate for women like us," Morgause had often asserted.

The older woman would happily tell Morgana of the various ways she used Cenred and the other men she knew to get what she wanted and had encouraged Morgana to do so too – if she felt it was necessary. However, despite Morgause being the one person in the world she was closest too – despite trusting her above all others, Morgana could not bring herself to explain the exact nature of her relationship with Merlin. Could not admit that she was not the innocent that her sister assumed.

Initially Morgana had thought that any such admission might seem like weakness to her sister but then, more recently, when she knew her feelings for Merlin had changed, she felt it was even more awkward to explain why she hadn't said anything before. So, her plan was to put Morgause's seduction advice into practice without informing her and use Merlin for her own pleasure and benefit, especially now she knew the secret of ensuring that she did not end up with child before she was ready.

However, it seemed the real problem here was that Merlin was _not_ a man like Cenred. Certainly Morgana didn't feel she had the same control over him as Morgause apparently had over the neighbouring king and, despite her determination to seduce him properly – knowing her control over him would grow if she was able, Merlin did not seem to be so easily persuaded, even going so far as playing along one night in the armoury before abruptly walking out on her, leaving them both equally frustrated.

She tried a few times to change his mind after that incident, but he seemed determined to thwart her seduction plans, just as he so often did with the others.

"Get dressed, Morgana," Merlin said calmly as he walked into his bedchambers one evening to find her lying naked on his bed. Not that she didn't catch him having a very good look before he turned away but, all the same, it seemed as if she would need to think of some other plan to ensure she had his full attention and co-operation. She certainly wasn't going to give up _that_ easily.

**3x07**

She had to admit that she was really enjoying taunting him now. The look on his face when he realised that she was part of the party to travel to Fyrien was priceless. However, having him there wasn't helping her plans much either. He was watching her like a hawk, even following her as she went to collect firewood.

"You'd do well, Merlin, to stay out of things that do not concern you," she snarled at the end of one of their pointed conversations.

"Oh, but they _do_ concern me, 'cause they're my friends too. And I'll do whatever it takes to protect them."

"I would expect nothing less," she retorted, smiling grimly at him before dropping all the wood at his feet.

She stalked off back to the little camp but he was soon following her, branches now in his arms. "Wait … Morgana."

"What is it now?"

"Ah … just I... need to talk to you about..." He floundered and she frowned, not understanding where this was heading. He sighed deeply, dropping the branches again. "Give this up, Morgana. I won't let you win."

She smiled again, amused at how easily he seemed to switch personalities from bumbling servant to overconfident foe. "I _am_ going to win, Merlin, and again you seem to forget that you have no power here."

He moved towards her so quickly that she didn't have a chance to prepare. One moment there was a decent gap between them, the next she was help firmly in his embrace, one arm around her waist whilst the other stroked her cheek.

"Oh, there are many types of power, Morgana and I do believe I have a certain amount."

He moved forwards to kiss her and she pulled her head back, not happy about him dictating things, but he just smiled at her for a moment and then, just as she felt he was about to let her go, she made her own move, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him roughly towards her.

The kiss was brief and aggressive and, looking back, Morgana couldn't remember who had ended it. Either way, it wasn't long before she had resumed her journey back to the camp with Merlin now scampering along behind her.

The reason for the young man's rather forced attempt at distraction became obvious as Morgana arrived to find Arthur and Gwen sitting around the small fire; their heads so close that it seemed that they had also been involved a moment before. She smirked as she walked past the pair, amused at both Merlin's poor attempts at matchmaking and the fact that her knowledge of the prince's relationship gave her as much as if not more power than she currently had over his servant. However she had no real grudge against Gwen – it was Arthur she needed to dispose of -and this current plan still seemed to be the very best way of achieving that goal.

~o~0~o~

Except that it had failed, again, and here was Merlin, again - pulling her away from Morgause and the ruined room and, for a moment, Morgana panicked; fearful about how her sister had fared during the collapse as well as being determined to delay their escape by any means possible. Unfortunately, neither the prince nor his servant were going to be distracted and it wasn't long before they were all riding back to Camelot - five of them this time - with Morgana quite unable to do anything but glare impotently at Merlin as they rode alongside each other.

~o~0~o~

"So, how's Morgause?" Merlin asked lightly as she tip-toed back towards their camp later that night. "Still alive?"

As unexpected as his presence was, Morgana found she hardly jumped at all. It seemed she was getting used to the young man appearing at unexpected times. "Following me again, Merlin?" was all she said in reply.

"With good reason, it seems."

She suddenly turned, heading for him at speed, and pushing him until his back hit a nearby tree. "You have _no_ good reason for following me – no good reason for accusing me of anything."

She pressed herself right up against him again but Merlin seemed in no hurry to push her away. "You are plotting against Arthur and the king," he replied. "That's reason enough."

"Not for a servant, it isn't. Not for a mere _fool_. Learn your place... boy."

He smirked, placing both his hands on her hips and pulling her flush against him, allowing her to feel exactly how turned on he was. "Boy, am I?"

They were kissing again. She had no idea who had initiated it but, as before, it was rough, aggressive and desperate and, although she didn't really want to stop, Morgana was quite determined to be the one to win this battle of wills and ultimately gain the upper hand. So, she waited until things were getting really passionate, waited until Merlin seemed to be especially desperate for her and then pulled away, striding back towards the camp and smirking at the frustrated sounds she could hear from behind her.

**After 3x08**

"What were you thinking, Morgana? Why do you want Arthur dead? He's done nothing to you."

She had just returned to the armoury after seeing Morgause and having to explain to her sister, yet again, what had happened and why the prince was still alive. So she really wasn't in the mood to hear the same old complaints from Merlin or deal with any mocking he might give for her plot having failed again.

"He is the king's youngest child and yet always favoured by Uther," she explained. "He's in my way."

"But, Arthur?" Merlin repeated. "Uther I can understand. I mean, I don't approve of you trying to kill the king but I can understand why you hate him but Arthur has always been your friend – your brother."

"Unlike you, Merlin, I'm not blinded by love."

"What?"

"Call it what you will. Call it friendship or loyalty or even just 'doing your job' but you're totally in my brother's thrall – there's no point denying it." She smirked at the shocked look on his face. "Perhaps I should try and find out what Arthur's been doing to enchant you so. I'm quite certain that he must be having far more luck getting you into his bed than I have getting you into mine."

"What?"

Merlin looked so totally stunned by her comment that she couldn't help but laugh. Had he really not heard the rumours that had been circulating around the palace for the last few years?

"As enjoyable as these little conversations with you are," she continued, still laughing. "I really do need to go now."

"Not so fast!" There was that change again, from confused, innocent fool to something far more interesting. Morgana turned around slowly and arched an eyebrow in silent query. "You still haven't answered my question. Why Arthur?"

"I _did_ answer it. He's in my way." She smiled, looking him up and down suggestively. "So are you."

"Good," he retorted. "And I'm going to keep getting in your way."

"Strangely, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing at the moment." The atmosphere had changed between them again but she didn't have much time to wonder at it before they were back in each others' arms.

"We've got to stop doing this," Merlin mumbled between kisses, his words so quiet that she almost didn't catch them.

"Why? Why resist? Perhaps we should just get it out of our system." She moved her hands down and deftly began to untie his trousers

"I seem to remember you saying much the same thing in the valley," Merlin replied, gasping slightly as her cold hands found his bare skin. "Didn't work then."

"This is different. There are no feelings involved now. This is just something to make us both feel better."

No feelings on _her_ part, anyway. Hopefully overly sentimental Merlin was a different matter. Hopefully this is where she could start gaining some real control over him and cause him to become seriously distracted.

His trousers were now around his ankles, as were her undergarments. The talk stopped for a while as the aggressive kissing resumed, Merlin's hands bunching up her skirts before he displayed a surprising amount of strength by first half-lifting her off the stone floor and then lowering her down onto it.

"This is really what you want?" he asked, in a voice that seemed to hold equal amounts of surprise and passion.

"It's what we _both_ want," she replied adjusting her skirts further and wrapping her bare legs around his hips. "What's the point in resisting?"

At this, he entered her suddenly and surprisingly roughly, but she certainly wasn't going to complain, instead falsely teasing him for being gentle with her. She was regretting that a few thrusts later as her spine reminded her that she was on a rough stone floor and not the soft grass from their previous encounter. So, she pushed at his chest firmly, a little magic behind the move until it was him lying on his back on the cold floor instead of her. There was just enough light for Morgana to briefly admire him in all his trouser-less glory before she straddled him, pushing up his shirt with one hand before dropping down onto him as hard as she could.

She made sure to be just as rough as he had been with her, but had to admit she was surprised when his hands slid down between her legs and started to caress her there, making the act even more pleasurable for her. She started to tease him for that, but the sensations she felt were so good she didn't want to do or say anything that might tempt him to stop.

Merlin's groans now seemed to contain as much pain as pleasure, something which really turned her on and encouraged her to drop down on him even harder and faster. However, it wasn't long before he had flipped them over again, this time grabbing their discarded clothes plus some old flag and pushing her down roughly on top of them.

"Stay there, this time," he ordered and she was torn between delight at his show of dominance and offence that he was trying to tell her what to do. She opened her mouth to object but he stopped her complains with his lips and pushed himself back inside her at the same time, the combined action of which made her whole body shudder with delight.

He was still being far too gentle for her liking and she tried to get him to speed up by pushing his hips down whilst lifting hers to meet him. However, despite her wishes, he was managing to do a surprisingly good job – her pleasure was mounting, as was his and again she bit back a teasing comment as, yet again, he moved inside her far too slowly. Then he shifted and managed to hit an especially sensitive point despite being so gentle and her climax hit her unexpectedly and powerfully.

"I really hate you," she gasped through the sudden waves of pleasure.

"Of course you do." His reply sounded sarcastic but she wasn't sure – not now he was obviously so close himself.

"You hate me too," she suggested but his response was masked by both her long hair and his own climax and she could not even guess at it. "Or perhaps you still have feelings for me?" she continued, her voice softer than she intended – due to being so very out of breath.

"A strange comment to make seeing how we've both been pounding each other into a cold, stone floor."

She giggled, amused by his turn of phrase. "Then why don't you come to my bed chambers next time? If your poor, delicate skin can't handle such rough treatment, then perhaps you can try out my feather mattress instead."

"I have a lot of feelings and emotions regarding you, Morgana, but trust definitely isn't one of them."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked but he shook his head, pulling away from her abruptly and yanking his trousers roughly out from underneath her. "Hey!"

"Go and get some sleep, Morgana. I'd say sweet dreams but I know you wouldn't believe me."

"Oh, I only have pleasant dreams nowadays, Merlin. Unlike _some_ people I could mention, Morgause has actually helped me in that regard." He turned to look at her then and it seemed a shadow briefly crossed his face but she wasn't sure if she'd imagined it or not. Then he shrugged his shoulders and sighed deeply before leaving.

~o~0~o~

Morgana should have known better than to tempt fate. During those few remaining hours she had the first true prophetic nightmare for years and dreamt that her serving girl was going to become Queen of Camelot in her place.

~o~0~o~


	14. Hatred and Love

**(Set around 3x10 - 3x11)**

"The most powerful sorcerer that ever lived," Merlin muttered to himself as he left the under-croft after his most recent encounter with Morgana. "And also, apparently, the weakest willed man in the whole of Camelot."

He was definitely not cut out for this type of power game. He might have strong magic and gained a certain amount of confidence recently but, all the same, this situation required a different type of strength: Ruthlessness, emotional detachment and hatred. Hatred for your opponent and a certain amount of self-hatred too and, despite everything he'd been though in recent years, Merlin knew he hadn't arrived at that point. Not yet.

To win this game he would need to continue to push and toy with Morgana. Continue to seduce her whilst making her believe that she was the one seducing him. He would have to continue to have sex with her as if it meant nothing to him, despite believing that love was more powerful than any magic and that such acts should only occur between two people that loved each other deeply and honestly.

That was how Merlin had justified his actions in that valley that first time. He was not married to Morgana and could never hope to be married to her, but at least back then he could admit that he loved her. It might not be the innocent, pure, love he had felt for Freya, or the deep lasting love of friendship that he felt for Gwen and Arthur, but his feelings for her had been based on genuine friendship and admiration, as well as the obvious desire he felt. Yes, he _had_ loved Morgana back then; admired the qualities that he still recognised in her, even now. She may currently have darkness and hatred within her, but Merlin could still see aspects of the old Morgana that he had fallen for: Her emotional strength, her passion, the total focus she invested in any cause she believed to be right.

But to love _this_ Morgana? He shouldn't even be attracted to this Morgana. He should hate her, should shun her, should be working even harder to expose her true nature to Arthur. Instead, Merlin found himself dwelling on their times together, planning their next encounter, often distracted from the task at hand whilst constantly fighting his own feelings of desire and self loathing at the things he got up to with her, and the way that he was using sex as a weapon - just as she was. It wasn't what he wanted but he was afraid he'd already come too far to back down and worried that he was now so addicted to her that he wouldn't be able to keep away from her even if he wanted to.

An addiction: That was what it was, he decided, and one that could very well be the death of him and of those he loved if he didn't find a way to give it up.

What made it even worse was that Morgana knew she was winning, that much was obvious from the various sarcastic comments she made about him being too gentle and loving during their sessions together. Although Merlin knew she was denying the strength of her own emotions to a certain extent, she definitely had no feelings of guilt about what they were getting up to – no feelings of disgust about what she was letting him do to her, or about exposing herself physically and emotionally to her enemy. However, Merlin was concerned that she _was_ starting to understand what their encounters were doing to him, and that was likely be a big problem in the future.

Merlin initially tried to avoid her, determined that there would be no more, but rather than 'getting it out of his system' as Morgana had suggested, that second, rough and passionate time in the armoury had just fired his blood up even more.

So, the next time he walked into his room to find Morgana lying naked on his small bed, he didn't turn her out, instead stripping off his own clothes and joining her. Nor did he ignore her light-hearted comment telling him she was going for a moonlit walk a couple of days later; deliberately hinting at a meeting with Morgause – taunting him with the knowledge, because she knew he wouldn't tell Arthur. She also understood, as Merlin did, that he would not be able to resist coming down to the armoury to confront her, and that their expected fight would inevitably turn into something else.

And yet, Merlin _still_ could not bring himself to hate her. Even though he was getting pretty close to hating himself by this point.

He had all but lost this battle. Her power over him was growing stronger with each encounter, he was growing more careless, and he knew it was only a matter of time before she set him up for a fall. He had so far resisted all requests to come to her bedchamber, realising just how easy it would be for her to send a message to Arthur or Uther requesting their presence at a set time, even as he feared she might do something similar at one of their other places. So far it was his only victory – keeping control of the venue and having set up magical defences in those places to ensure his own safety. However, Morgana was now Merlin's one true weakness and he was struggling to know how he would ever be able to resist her again.

In the end it was Gwen that turned out to be his unexpected saviour; her and a young man named Gilli.

~o~0~o~

Recently, Merlin had been happy to distract himself from Morgana by focusing on the budding romance between Arthur and Guinevere. All the time he had been worrying about Morgana setting _him_ up to be discovered by Uther, it hadn't occurred to him to think that she might be working to do the same thing to Arthur. He was ashamed to say that he had encouraged his friends too, unaware of Morgana's plot and influenced by his own blasé attitude in regard to secret trysts; feeling confident that he could help this couple that were genuinely in love as some sort of strange compensation for his and Morgana's non-romantic relationship.

He also used the time as an excuse to stay away from Morgana and, for once, she appeared to be keeping her distance too – although she still threw him those glares at times; the ones that somehow seemed to confirm their animosity, even as they made him hungry for their next encounter. However, once in the cells with Gwen, once she had told Merlin what she suspected, he knew that, yet again, he had allowed himself to become distracted and would now have to turn all his attention to putting things right and saving his friend's life in any way he could.

~o~0~o~

Gwen may have been the initial reason for Merlin starting to untangle himself from Morgana but his own experience with the ageing spell, the dungeons and the very close encounter with the stake was more than enough to sober him up entirely.

He also felt he had gained back some of his confidence now. Morgana's look of total confusion on seeing Dragoon, whilst trying to work out how her foolproof plan had been foiled by someone who shouldn't even exist made Merlin start to realise where his power truly lay and this small idea was only strengthened during the Open Tournament where one young competitor unexpectedly helped the young warlock to get some of his old life and purpose back.

Talking with Gilli was like looking into a crystal and seeing himself four years ago; a young man full of false bravado and emotional confusion. Or, even worse, it was like stepping back two years and seeing Morgana in a similar state begging Merlin for answers, begging for the truth about who and what she was. And the conversations with Gilli made Merlin seriously start to question the decisions he had made in recent years, both in regards to himself and to Morgana. Should he _really_ be continuing to focus all his efforts on Arthur and their shared destiny? Should he continue to following Gaius' and Kilgharrah's advice without question? Was this the direction he truly wanted to travel in and the role he truly wanted to play?

The role he wanted to play?

That was one gift he had, that he had not fully appreciated until now. His ability to act. His ability to pretend to be less powerful than he really was. Everyday for the last four years, a powerful sorcerer had casually walked the corridors of Camelot; had occasional conversations with the king, spent the majority of his days in the company of the prince and had a strange and intimate relationship with the king's ward and secret daughter, and yet, not once, did any of them even consider that he might have magic. He was a servant, a nobody ... a fool, as Morgana was always so keen to point out and, as such, he spent much of him time being close to invisible and _that_ was the main reason his secret was still safe.

It was also the reason he had to stop playing this dangerous game with Morgana because she was starting to see through his act, and Merlin was beginning to enjoy the fact. He saw the way her eyes sparkled when he started to stand up for himself, the way her breath quickened when he took control, the way she looked at him curiously as he switched between his two personalities without fully realising what he was doing. Morgana seemed excited and curious about this darker side of Merlin and he loved those brief occasions when she treated him as an equal, enjoying the idea that he was the only one who could give her the experiences and sensations that she desired.

Unfortunately, it was also meant that she was seeing him as someone important, special and different. That could easily lead to his cover being blown which would, in turn, be very dangerous for him and his destiny.

"You've seen the way people are now. They're showing me respect. And you don't know what that's like for me," Gilli said, as the two young sorcerers discussed the tournament and Merlin tried to persuade him to withdraw.

"I do," Merlin insisted.

"No. No, no one does."

All Merlin could think of then was the similar conversations he'd had with Morgana in the past, back when he was a scared boy himself and did not understand the true nature of his own magic or have confidence in his own disguise. If only Morgana's powers had emerged a few years later. If only it was _her_ coming to him now as his friend and his lover, at a time when Merlin could be confident that his own secret would not be exposed and that their strange bond could help to keep her loyal.

His heart was racing as he closed the inn door and whispered a spell into his hand, turning sad eyes towards Gilli as he revealed the flame dancing on his palm; showing the young man that he _did_ understand. Completely.

"It's... lonely. To... be more powerful than any man you know and have to live like a shadow. To... be special and, and have to pretend you're a fool. I know how it feels, I understand. "

Because now Merlin fully appreciated that this was bigger than him and his own little fears. By showing Gilli that there was another way to proceed, he might be able to turn the younger man away from the darkness and prevent a future enemy from doing harm to Camelot and Arthur. This potential enemy could be a future ally, meaning one less issue for him to deal with in the years to come.

" _I wish things had been different, Morgana. I wish I'd had more courage, more understanding of my strengths but, back then, I was even weaker then than I am now. I'm sorry, Morgana. I fear it is too late to save you. Perhaps here, today, I can save someone else. Let this be my atonement."_

Although Merlin could wish for better timing he knew, deep down, that he would make the same decision again, given the same circumstances. He had been so scared when in the dungeon facing execution recently that he hadn't been thinking straight and had forgotten how much power he had at his command. His ultimate escape in Camelot's square had been an exhilarating revelation. The spells he now had at his disposal were such that he no longer need fear exposure for his own sake. His only concern now was Arthur and how he would be unable to guide and protect the prince if his abilities were discovered at this point in time and he needed to flee or hide.

Gaius and Kilgharrah had been right about power – it _was_ addictive and it _was_ often corrupting and, just as Merlin had been congratulating himself on being able to wield such powerful magic and not succumb to it, he had become involved with Morgana and very nearly fallen prey to a different type of darkness and corruption.

Yet, he knew that the darkness had always dwelt within him: The violent desire for revenge he'd felt when he killed Nimueh, the selfish desire to abandon one he'd sworn to protect when he decided to run away with Freya, the sexual desire he felt and still felt for Morgana that moved him to perform acts he would not have contemplated a few years ago. These things were all part of him – a _weak_ part of him and he knew it would be a constant battle to tread the narrow path between the dark and the light.

As Merlin watched those he knew take part in the tournament he saw those same contrasts within their personalities too. First Gilli, who appeared to be a sweet boy with a good heart but who hadn't hesitated to kill or injure an opponent he had already defeated, and would have killed the king too if Merlin hadn't intervened. Then Uther himself, who showed a knightly honour on the field and spared the boy, even though, in different circumstances, he would think nothing of killing a small child simply for being born to the 'wrong' parents.

And finally Arthur who had always been the epitome of arrogance, pride and selfishness, deciding to throw an important fight just so that his father could save face. Everyone had hidden depths; some good, some bad. It was only now that Merlin began to understand just how dark some of his depths really were.

So, by the end of the tournament, Merlin was still dwelling on Morgana but in a very different way. Thinking about all the choices they had both made and how those decisions had allowed each of them to travel very different paths, and further away from each other as a result.

" _She is the darkness to your light, the hatred to your love."_

Belatedly, Merlin understood the true meaning of Kilgharrah's words. The sentence had made little sense to the boy, but to the man it was pure enlightenment and a beacon to light the way. Now he understood that, although she had won this sexual battle, she would never win the war. Not whilst her hatred continued to shield her from the true power of love, light and honour and leave her only with hatred, darkness and fear.

For in that direction lay madness, as Merlin himself had recently discovered and, for now, he could only hope to continue to negotiate that twisted path and manage to fulfil his destiny.

"All great struggles demand sacrifice," Kilgharrah had said recently as they discussed Gilli but, when Merlin replied, he had to admit that he was thinking about someone else entirely.

"Some choices are easy, some... stay with you forever."

~o~0~o~


	15. The Chains That Bind Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached 4x06! Fun!

  
__ **(Set before and during 4x06)**   


It should have been an easy victory. She should be Queen of Camelot through right of conquest and right of blood. Neither Uther nor Arthur deserved such honour – not after the way they mistreated those with magic. As Queen, Morgana had already started to right the wrongs that had occurred these last twenty-five years but, despite that right and despite having an army that could not been killed, she and her allies had still not managed to succeed.

As soon as she'd seen Merlin in the Hall, Morgana knew he _must_ be to blame, even though he couldn't be the one to have attacked Morgause. Her sister's memory of the time was sketchy but she _had_ recalled Merlin attempting to empty the cup before she had intervened and was certain that her attack on him had succeeded. It was irrelevant anyway, no matter what help Merlin may or may not have received, he did know more about Morgana than anyone else in Camelot before their takeover and so … she'd blame him anyway and work even harder to take her revenge.

At least Uther was dead now, which meant only Arthur stood between her and her throne. She could rest a little easier now the tyrant was gone and would not dwell on that strange feeling she'd experienced when he'd died. One of those powerful, alien emotions that she usually only had to negotiate when dealing with Merlin. Morgause had often criticised her for being over emotional and, she had been right.

Had. Past tense.

Morgana felt so lost without her sister. She had used every bit of magic she could muster to transport the pair of them from the ruins and then, exhausted from using magic that she was only just beginning to master, she had attempted to heal Morgause the best she could. Her success was limited; buying them a little time. A year - two at the most but, in the end, her sister had begged for death – calling it her gift to Morgana as they summoned the Dorocha to wreak havoc on Camelot.

She would love to blame Merlin for _that_ failure too but her dreams were suggesting another enemy was the cause. Emrys. An old man who looked uncannily like the sorcerer that had taken the blame for Arthur's false enchantment before using his great power to transport away to safety. Perhaps he was the one assisting Merlin? It certainly made more sense than believing that a mere servant could beat her so easily.

At least Morgana now had a spy in Camelot to keep an eye on things. Arthur assumed he could trust his uncle and, why wouldn't he? He didn't know that Agravaine blamed the prince as much as Uther for his sister's death. The king had used magic to bring Arthur into the world, his birth had killed her and, as a result, all sorcerers and magic was banned. The hypocrisy of it had astounded Morgana when she'd learnt of it, although she was not sure why she should be surprised.

At least Agravaine was easy to keep on her side. She had promised that he would reign by her side when she regained her crown, although it turned her stomach to think of such a thing. He may not be related to her by blood, but he was still far too old and far too subservient to interest her in that way.

How odd she should find herself comparing him to Merlin at that point. Servant the boy may be, but subservient he definitely was not.

And during that last battle Morgana had again daydreamed about what she would do when her immortal army caught up with the rebels. Arthur and Gwen would die, of course, she no longer had any concerns about that, but she continued to have some very interesting ideas about what she would do with Merlin when she finally had him at her mercy.

So, when their latest attempt to assassinate Arthur failed and Agravaine brought her Merlin instead of the prince, one part of Morgana celebrated the situation, even as she cursed their misfortune of letting Arthur slip through their fingers yet again.

"I'll dispatch this servant," Agravaine had suggested.

"You will do no such thing." She managed to say the words calmly, even as part of her felt tempted to shout out in panic. She now had _two_ reasons to keep hold of Merlin, even though she would obviously only hint at one of those in front of her would be suitor.

"Arthur is strangely fond of the boy. He could prove useful." Her other plan had very little to do with gaining the throne and everything to do with revenge and pleasure. "Very useful, indeed," she repeated as she walked of with a smirk, happily anticipating all that was to follow.

~o~0~o~

She had the men tie Merlin up by his wrists to a chain on the supporting wooden beam that ran along the length of her hovel. Agravaine expressed concern at her being left alone with the boy but she just laughed at his fear.

"Have you seen his build? I'm quite capable of flattening this one even I had no magic. Never fear, he'll give me no trouble and, the next time you see him in Camelot he will be under my control and serving me."

The man looked disappointed and perhaps even briefly suspicious of her true motives but that was hardly going to concern her. Agravaine was simply a useful tool at the moment and, once Arthur was dead and she was Queen, Morgana would have no qualms about killing the man. She certainly wasn't going to marry him.

She moved closer to Merlin and opened an eye, trying to judge his current state. He seemed to be unconscious – probably hit by one of her minions – and the idea of inspecting him now was very tempting. Having him tied up and at her mercy was exciting her more than she had ever expected but, despite the need for some instant gratification, she knew that Merlin was always more of a turn on when he was awake and in full confrontational mode.

So, Morgana threw a bucket of water over him and he awoke instantly, his body jolting in shock as he tried to flinch away from the cold liquid, whilst simultaneously realising that he was tied.

"Good morning," she purred.

"Is it?"

She inwardly celebrated his response. _That_ was the Merlin she knew and enjoyed. She moved closer. "Oh, don't be like that. We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven't seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot, and forced me to live in a hovel."

He stared at her, his eyes sparkling despite his predicament. "Couldn't do me a favour, could you? Let Arthur know. He still thinks of me of an underachiever, but I'm quite proud of _those_ accomplishments." His gaze became even more intense. "I can die happy."

"Oh, you're not going to die." She moved even closer and enjoyed seeing the brief look of doubt cross his face. "Oh, no. I'm not going to make it that easy."

There was a hint of fear in his eyes along with a little confusion as she moved closer still, letting one hand trail down to the front of his trousers and gently squeezing. His reaction was muted but she was close enough to hear him catch his breath and see a hint of realisation dawn. With a smirk she started to move away.

"I-I don't understand."

"Do you not, Merlin? Really?" she asked turning back to stare at him so suggestively that he instantly broke eye contact, shifting position as he did so. She saw him wince. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine."

She knew him better than that. Walking back over to him, she ran her hands first over his head to check for bumps, before moving to his neck, shoulders and arms. He gave a quiet gasp and Morgana smirked, quite aware that the reaction was _not_ due to pain, but then, as her hands travelled down to his torso, he uttered a subtly different sound, even as he instinctively pulled his left side away from her touch.

"Liar," she declared, grabbing the bottom of his shirt and pulling it up. The bruise was impressive; a mace, she decided, but how he'd come away from such a blow without his whole ribcage shattering was something of a mystery. "What was that I once said about you having more lives than a cat?" she asked.

He opened his mouth to reply to that but she had continued to lift his shirt up and, by this point, it had reached his head, effectively gagging him. Laughing at his muffled grumble she lifted the garment higher still until it lay wrapped around his arms, falling behind his head. She quickly inspected the rest of his torso for injury before walking back in front and admiring the view. He glared at her.

"Do you know, I think you've put on a little weight at long last," she observed.

"Are you saying I'm fat?" he retorted.

She loved how Merlin couldn't help but answer back. It was just not in the boy's make-up to remain quiet when confronted. She moved forward and very gently stroked his flat stomach, enjoying his reaction to her touch. "Hardly, but you've certainly put on a little muscle." She trailed both her hands higher, feeling his back, his bunched shoulder muscles and then moving down the front, caressing him deliberately roughly. He yelped as she pressed at his wound and she felt a jolt of excitement at his reaction, recalling their last time together in the armoury and how much it had turned her on to see him experiencing both pleasure and pain as she'd ridden him on the cold, stone floor.

He caught her smirk and his eyes turned wary. Taking up the challenge Morgana moved one hand back to his wound and rested it there, whilst the other untied his trousers and plunged inside.

"No..." he gasped as she took hold of him and stroked. Her initial disappointment at finding him soft and relaxed, soon turned to amusement as his body reacted to her familiar caress remarkably quickly.

"How did this situation _not_ turn you on before, Merlin?"

Her question was half teasing, half curious as she was quite certain from the looks he had given her that he would have been getting some perverted pleasure from all of this, despite his pain. Nevertheless, that would be remedied now. He was frowning, eyes closed, apparently trying to will his body to stay calm – a battle he was quite obviously loosing. She waited until she saw his expression relax a little, the pleasure of her caress starting to take hold, before she pressed her other hand against his wound again.

He cried out, his eye snapping open and giving her a look of such hurt and confusion that she didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for him. In the end she just smirked, letting each hand take a turn; her left hand administering some pleasure before her right administered a few jolts of pain.

"Morgana … please …"

She was fairly certain that he was asking her to stop, so she punished him for that by using both hands at once – pressing much harder with her right. He cried out then but he was still turned on – even more now than he had been before.

" _Now_ you're beginning to understand, Merlin," she cooed. "Such pleasure is even sweeter when dosed with a little pain."

"No," he croaked out. "That's not true. It's just ... nature, that's all … I have no control over how my body reacts."

"Oh, I don't think you really believe that, Merlin. Our relationship has always been pleasure and pain, _that_ you cannot deny."

He shook his head, but she knew he agreed with her. Just to prove her point, she moved her right hand from his wound and spent a few more moments fully focusing on his pleasure, watching and listening to his reactions carefully. Then, just as she was confident that he was very close she stopped that too, tying up his trousers and pulling his shirt back down over his head.

She should probably heal that wound soon or he wouldn't be any use to her but, if the injury was going to have killed him it would have done so by now. She decided to let him battle with those mixed sensations for just a little while longer.

~o~0~o~

Later that day she healed him and used an enchantment to knock him out for a while. Confident he was in no position to escape, Morgana briefly left the hut to collect wood for a fire and one special ingredient she needed for the enchantment she was to perform later that night.

After another enjoyable session sexually teasing her captive, Morgana collected together the things she needed and started the ceremony that would allow her to control him. Summoning the Fomorroh, casting the enchantment and then uttering the words that would consume his mind, even as she pushed the snake against his skin, allowing it to bite its way into his neck.

~o~0~o~

Again Merlin gained consciousness far quicker than she expected. He looked around confused for a moment before he noticed where she was and tipped his head, contemplating her.

"I set you a task," she said, walking closer. "What was it?"

"To kill Arthur," he replied, "but I have no interest in doing such a thing."

Morgana nodded, unsurprised. It usually took a while for the creature to take full control and Merlin was stronger willed than most. She could wait, he would not be able to resist for much longer.

"Arthur must die. He continues his persecution of all those with magic, just as his father did."

"Not exactly, Morgana, you should learn to get your facts right."

She looked at him curiously. There was something about his expression and the way he spoke that wasn't quite Merlin.

"He does not accept magic and never will," she pushed. Merlin just shrugged and she smirked. The Merlin she knew would not have let _that_ one go. He looked at her closely again and shook his head. "What is it?" she asked.

"Your hair's a mess, Morgana. It looks like rats' tails."

She had to work hard to not show her shock at that comment. "Merlin's disappearing now," was all she said in reply and the man before her heaved a big sigh and nodded.

"Yes."

"But the memories remain? Tell me of... Leon."

"Arthur's first knight. Loyal, noble … hairy."

She laughed. "Describe how you get from Arthur's chambers to the kitchen." Merlin shrugged again and told her. "Now tell me how you always manage to defeat me?"

"I'm considerably more intelligent than you are," he replied with an exaggerated yawn.

"Less cheek, more facts. I control your mind now and you cannot resist." Merlin frowned at that, apparently struggling to answer, his face contorted into something resembling pain.

"There's a block here, something important that I can't remember." He looked at her wistfully. "It might be easier to think if my arms didn't hurt so much."

She chanted a few words, casually waving her hand in Merlin's direction and causing him to fall to the floor in a heap. He stayed there for a while, quietly moaning and cradling his wrists as all the blood returned suddenly and painfully to his arms.

"Come and sit," she instructed, once he had quietened, pointing to a chair.

"All right but, shouldn't I return to Camelot now? I have a job to do." He stood up from the floor, but didn't attempt to sit down.

"Do you? What job is that?" she asked with an amused smile.

"I have to … oh..." He frowned and shook his head. "This is all very confusing."

"You _are_ a stubborn one, aren't you?"

He looked at her and smiled, but it definitely wasn't the one she was used to seeing on him. "Ah, but that's one of the things you like most about me, isn't it, Morgana?"

"Perhaps?"

"And, to be honest, I am both confused and frustrated right now, especially after those little games we played earlier." He smiled again and approached her quickly. Morgana put both hands up against his chest, halting his progress.

"I need to check you're ready for this mission."

He smiled again and she felt a strange type of nervousness that she hadn't experienced since the very first time Merlin had started flirting with her. Back when she hadn't understood the strange and confusing emotions that he always managed to evoke in her.

"Later," he stated, snaking an arm around her waist and pulling her flush to his body; a move which now felt reassuringly familiar. "I'm still not sure that I really want to kill Arthur at the moment but, there is one thing on my mind that I have no intention of trying to resist."

His lips descended on hers even as his hands starting to untie her dress and she quickly responded, starting to undress him too. Before she realised what was happening they were both in a very interesting position on her small bed, hands and lips enthusiastically exploring bare skin.

"Shame about the hair," he complained in-between kisses and caresses, "but otherwise, I suppose you are _quite_ attractive."

"Hey!"

"Oh, don't be like that," he continued with a smirk. "I'm fairly certain that, after this, I'll be more than ready to do anything you ask of me."

~o~0~o~

__


	16. Hunt the Dark Lady

**(Set during 4x06 - 4x13)**

From the second the bandits appeared, all Merlin could think of was keeping Arthur safe. Nothing else mattered to him at that point, not even the pain he felt when hit by the mace. He begged Arthur to leave him behind, confident he could use his magic to escape when there were no knights around to see him using it, but, of course, the king wouldn't hear of it, determined to risk his own life to keep his servant safe.

So, the fact they were rediscovered near that small ravine was a bonus in some ways, as it meant that Merlin could use his magic to cause a rockfall, cut the king off from the majority of the bandits and allow him to easily defeat the ones left on his side. This larger group may decide to spare Merlin's life, they may not, but at least Arthur was safe.

Merlin started to lose consciousness at that point, although he came around briefly a couple of times afterwards, vaguely aware of a few brief snippets of sight and sound. He felt himself being lifted up and dragged along - the pain of the mace injury, jolting him briefly awake. He heard male voices, one of which was familiar to him, and also had a feeling that he was still in the Valley of the Fallen Kings; the hum of magic remaining strong here, comforting even, despite his current predicament. Then he was dropped to the ground and kicked over, the pain of that pulling him fully awake, before dipping him back into unconsciousness once more.

The female voice he heard as he drifted under did not give him much hope that he would ever open his eyes again.

~o~0~o~

Merlin was awoken by the shock of cold water thrown at him and instantly struggled as he found himself tied by his wrists to a beam; the pain of that quite muted in comparison to the agony of the mace injury. In fact, considering the look on Arthur's face when he'd inspected the wound earlier, Merlin was surprised to be alive at all.

Then Morgana was in front of him and the usual sparring commenced, amongst other things. She seemed to gain some perverted pleasure from inflicting pain on him, but the fact she decided to toy with him sexually at the same time came as a surprise to Merlin, although he had no idea why it should any more.

Having been both tortured and humiliated by her, Merlin was left him hanging for a while, whilst Morgana flicked through a couple of books and opened a number of jars. He used her distraction as an opportunity to open his magical senses fully. They were still within the area of the valley, that much was certain, but he could not gain any further clues. He was just going over his sketchy memories of the time after he'd caused the rock fall when she approached him again, a small cloth in one hand.

"You know, there's one thing I don't understand, Merlin." She put the cloth down his shirt, this time making no attempt to expose him and he gritted his teeth against the small sting it caused. "You're Arthur's servant, nothing more. Yet, time and again, you've proved yourself willing to lay down your life for him."

"What are you doing?"

"Have you never seen Gaius clean a wound before?"

"All right, I know _what_ you're doing. What I don't know is why."

Morgana grabbed his face then, apparently annoyed by his diversion. "I believe I asked you a question first. Why are you so loyal to Arthur?"

"I don't expect you to understand, Morgana. You have no sense of duty, no sense of loyalty."

"You're wrong. Don't think I don't understand loyalty just because I've got no one left to be loyal to." She placed her hand over the wound then and cast words that he recognised as a healing spell. Then he felt himself succumb again to sleep, still trying to work out exactly what it was she was planning on doing to him.

~o~0~o~

Merlin came around to find it was not quite dark with Morgana nowhere to be seen and didn't believe he'd been unconscious for long. Despite the very great pain in his wrists and arms, the pain in his chest seemed to have disappeared completely. Grateful for that small mercy he was about to attempt to release himself with magic when Morgana re-entered the hovel, carrying a pile of logs. He was sure he'd observed a flash of surprise and annoyance cross her face as she saw him awake, but it was gone so quickly that he may well have imagined it.

"Sleep well?" she asked lightly.

"Not especially. Can you let me down for a while? My arms are getting really sore." He made his voice as meek as possible. "I promise I won't try to escape."

She gave a short huff of a laugh. "I don't believe that for a moment, Merlin but, don't worry, I'll let you down a little later."

She went over to offer him some food and water but, although he took the latter he flatly refused to eat. With a shrug she took the remainder back to her table and finished it, contemplating her captive thoughtfully. Then she set the food down and moved back towards him, inspecting her handiwork on his wound and nodding, apparently satisfied it was well healed.

Then, just as Merlin was relaxing, she again pulled the shirt up over his head to leave it draped around his wrists before slowly starting to stroke his chest again; no pain this time, just tender, caressing movements that had his body instantly reacting, despite all his attempts to calm himself. She grinned as if knowing how turned on he was and then, still staring into his eyes, she began to untie his trousers, only touching the bare minimum of skin, simply sliding the garment down to his ankles and standing back to admire his body. This time she made no move to touch him and Merlin hated himself for feeling disappointed as she moved away, one part of him desperate for her caress, despite everything she'd done to him now and in the past.

She came back into view almost immediately, sliding a bath tub to the space in front of her hearth and in direct line of Merlin's vision. Smirking at his confused look, she carefully poured the hot water into the bath and then turned back towards him before very, very slowly starting to undress herself. No matter how hard he tried, Merlin could not find the will to turn his head or close his eyes as he knew he should; one part of him excited as she removed the last of her clothes, whilst the other part decided that the pain she had inflicted on him earlier was far preferable to this ordeal. Their eyes did not leave one another throughout this, her own gaze apparently taking in his naked form as much as he was devouring hers and then, slowly and seductively, she lowered herself into the water, still facing him, and began to bathe. Still entranced, Merlin followed every movement of the wash rag in her hand as it stroked various parts of her pale skin.

"Enjoying the view, Merlin?" she asked.

"Yes..." His voice came out far deeper than usual. "What about you?"

"Very much, although seeing you drooling like that is making me feel annoyingly frustrated."

"Come and untie me then and I'll see if I can do something to help," he suggested.

"Thanks for the offer, Merlin but I don't think I trust you enough for that. Luckily I don't need _you_ to relief my tension, I'm more than capable of doing that myself."

"No..." Merlin gasped as he realised what she was about to do.

Morgana smirked, knowing the power she had over him, knowing he would not be able to look away. Then she sunk down into the tub a little, raised and parted her knees and slid her own hand between them in order to pleasure herself. She kept her eyes on Merlin the whole time, apparently using the sight of him to help relieve her frustration whilst making his far worse.

Yes, the horrible pain he had suffered earlier was definitely more preferable to this sweet torture.

As she came close to release, Morgana would often close her eyes and Merlin seriously contemplated using magic to relieve his own tension but, in the end, he decided not to take the chance. Either she would see him using magic, would mock him for having no more control than an innocent boy, or tease him about how desperate and deprived he'd obviously been since their last encounter. Weighing everything up, Merlin decided it would be better if he remained frustrated.

"Oh, that's much better," she sighed as she got out of the bath and grabbed a small towel.

She made no immediate move to cover herself, simply walking a little closer to Merlin and drying herself very slowly in front of him – smirking as she watched his reaction to this newest form of torture. Only when she was fully dressed did she approach him and lower his shirt, again taking care to touch him as little as possible. As she lifted his trousers up however, she very deliberately gave him a short, firm stroke. Just enough to start his pulse racing, before lifting the trousers up to his waist and retying them, rearranging his clothes and patting his chest with a soft, "There."

After that Merlin's memories because especially vague. He remembered Morgana conjuring the Fomorroh from the flame, recalled her explaining what it would do to him but, after that, it was just a burst of extreme pain in the back of his neck and then … darkness.

~o~0~o~

Merlin next awoke to a strong, unpleasant smell and scrambled up from a wooden table to find himself back home; Gaius on his left and Gwen on his right.

"What are you trying to do to me?" he complained.

"I'm trying to stop you from killing the king," Gaius replied and Merlin began to laugh before he was suddenly assaulted by a number of strange, unpleasant sensations, along with some vague memory of Morgana casting a spell on him.

Gaius quizzed him on what he remembered and he was able to be fairly vague about it – certainly he couldn't remember anything about trying to kill Arthur although, as Gaius said, it was indeed a good job he was such a bad assassin, even whilst apparently under Morgana's control.

Or was he really that incompetent? Why had he not used his magic to do the deed? The more he thought back to his time in Morgana's hut the more strange memories and flashes came to mind, not unlike the strange, disjointed crystal images, although these were even more hazy and distant. It felt as if he'd been trapped somewhere deep within his own mind, occasionally glimpsing the things that had gone on outside. Perhaps he'd still retained the smallest amount of control after all and perhaps, in time, he would start to recall more.

~o~0~o~

Merlin left Camelot as Dragoon to hunt for the mother beast and destroy it, with no definite idea of where Morgana's hut actually was. He remembered sensing he was within the area of the Valley of the Fallen Kings a couple of time during his captivity, so he made his way there first, riding around in circles for a while, stopping every now and then as he kept experiencing brief feelings of deja vu: A place near a bog that he was sure must be the where Arthur and Gwaine had found him. A hill that he was certain was the same one that the bandits had dragged him up, semi conscious. Then, just as he was following that vague trail of memory, Merlin noticed one that was far more real and recent. Horse tracks.

With nothing else to go on, Merlin followed them and, within moments, felt another jolt of recognition as he viewed the terrain. Then he dismounted and approached the top of a small ravine, leaning over to look down on a well hidden door. At exactly the same time Morgana emerged, shortly followed by Agravaine and Merlin nodded to himself, recalling that one familiar male voice he'd heard earlier and starting to put a few pieces of the puzzle together.

As luck would have it Morgana also left her hovel at that point and Merlin, still disguised as Dragoon, hurried inside, glancing around briefly and trying to push all the strange memories he was experiencing to one side. Especially one new one that seemed to involve making love to Morgana in her bed here. He clearly remembered the various 'games' she'd played _before_ he'd been enchanted, but knew that he had been tied up during all of them. What exactly had she done to him whilst he was under that spell? He tried to put the strange half-memories to one side and concentrated instead on finding what he came for.

The door opened and Morgana came back in, carrying some more wood. Merlin had only a brief moment to register the fact that his eighty year old body seemed to be reacting far more sensibly to Morgana's presence, when she caught sight of him and suddenly, unexpected, backed straight out again, her face full of terror.

He had no idea why she's be so scared of him in this form, but decided to not dwell on that for now, instead resuming his search amongst the shelves for the Fomorroh.

She came back in slowly and fearfully and he played his part, briefly hoping to be able to escape whilst she was still too stunned to take action. No such luck however and, as the pair threw powerful magical spells at each other, Merlin reflected on the fact that he should perhaps look into trying to make himself just a few years younger next time or at least find a way of not experiencing the pain of being eighty years old when he transformed into Dragoon. It was putting him at a serious disadvantage here.

He held back on the first few attacks, he had to admit. He even hesitated when he had her at his mercy on the ground below him, one part of him apparently reluctant to do her harm, despite everything. In the end though, Merlin realised that he had no choice. The final spell he conjured up was _so_ powerful and threw Morgana _so_ violently into the air that he honestly couldn't see how she would be able to survive the fall.

However, as he started to build the small fire that would destroy the Fomorroh still firmly embedded in his neck, Merlin recalled his own remarkable survival of the mace injury and wondered at Morgana's earlier comment. Perhaps their magic was protecting them somehow. Perhaps he should go back and check on her.

In the end though, he realised that he couldn't take the chance. He needed to become young again in order to travel any further and, if Morgana was still alive, he did not want to face her again in either one of his forms; not until he was feeling stronger both physically and emotionally.

~o~0~o~

He didn't have to wait long to discover whether or not Morgana had survived. Shortly after that incident, the sorceress captured Gaius in an attempt to discover where Emrys was. Merlin recalled her very real fear on seeing him as an old man in her hut as well as Agravaine's recent requests and wondered if she'd had a vision about him in the future. Kilgharrah had once told him that their fates were now entwined but it seemed that, thankfully, Morgana was only associating Emrys with the old man and that continued to ensure that Merlin's true identity remained a secret.

Merlin tried a couple of times to warn Arthur about his uncle but, despite a certain amount of trust he had gained recently, those type of suggestions were still a step too far for the young king. Gwen had also recently informed Merlin that Morgana had acquired the plans to the siege tunnels and, despite the originals still being in place, it seemed that she'd been correct. Their next encounter with Morgana was a violent and desperate one as she and her latest army took Camelot quickly and efficiently, leaving Merlin no choice but to enchant the king and flee for their lives.

**4x13**

"Southrons are men like you and me. Men we can fight. But, Morgana … Her power is so great and we've got nothing to answer it with."

It was the evening before they planned to take back Camelot and, considering their small numbers, Arthur had a point. They did have _something_ , of course. Him. But, was there any way Merlin could use his magic to counter hers without being discovered? Suddenly determined, the young man sneaked into Camelot, turned himself into Dragoon and enchanted a straw effigy with the most powerful magic he could command. Then he tied it under her bed and quickly left, hoping that it would be enough.

The following morning, Arthur and his small army sneaked back in and, thanks to the element of surprise, managed to make it as far as the council chambers to confront Morgana. Merlin's emotions were all over the place as he stood at the back of the room staring at her. The regret on her face when she talked to Arthur did not go unnoticed by the warlock either. The woman they'd once loved wasn't entirely gone, he was certain, but was it too late to reach her? That he could not say for certain but, at least the enchantment he had cast had worked and, with no magic to attack or defend with, she was compelled to flee the Hall - Gwen and Merlin in pursuit.

Typically he immediately took a wrong turn and lost her and, by the time he'd retraced his steps it was to discover Morgana pointing a sword at Gwen's throat. Merlin reacted instinctively, pushing the sorceress backwards and collapsing part of the roof in the process but, as he moved forwards cautiously to check, Morgana was nowhere to be seen.

Had she somehow overcome his enchantment and regained her magic? If so, then Arthur was in danger once more. Merlin turned and ran all the way back to the council chambers, magic at the ready, determined to protect his king and friend, yet again.

**After 4x13**

Arthur and Camelot were safe once more but, despite the chaos that followed the Southron retreat, Merlin knew he had to discover what had happened to Morgana. At the first opportunity he went to her chambers to check that the effigy was still in place and his enchantment was still holding strong. That confirmed, he returned to the scene of the incident and looked around to discover what might have happened. His magical attack must have pushed her further back that he'd thought and, from there, it would have been fairly easy for her to scramble into a nearby alcove before making her way out of Camelot by either the siege tunnels or the old armoury door. Not an easy escape, especially seeing she was injured but, considering the general panic at the time, it was certainly possible. Merlin kicked himself for not having looked for her earlier but, at the time, he had been convinced that she'd used magic and was far more worried about Arthur's safety.

By now Merlin was confident that he knew all of the ways out of Camelot and quickly headed for the nearest one, trying to retrace Morgana's route and hunting for any signs of her trail. He may not enjoy hunting but he'd been around Arthur and Percival for long enough to pick up the basics and so it wasn't hard to work out which way she'd gone, especially when he emerged outside the walls and the tracks became more obvious.

He had to admit that he'd expected to find her unconscious nearby – quite certain she would not be able to cope with the blood loss but, when there was no obvious sign of her close to the walls, Merlin was faced with a new dilemma. He didn't have the time to go on an extensive hunt for her, but he _did_ need to know where she was. He needed someone else to look for him. Someone who could cover a lot of ground quickly. Kilgharrah was out of the question – considering his feelings towards Morgana but … there was now one other he could call.

Using his Dragonlord instinct, Merlin called a variation of the usual words to the sky, summoning the young dragon Aithusa. She came quickly, flitting around his head, and chirping, "Merlin, Merlin," in a small high-pitched voice.

"I need you to find someone," he said.

"Yes, yes." She stayed in the air in front of his face; her wings propelling her up and down excitedly.

"A woman; dark hair, dark dress. It looks like she went that way. Into the woods." He pushed his thoughts forward to her at the same time hoping that she could pick up some further information telepathically.

"Yes, yes. Find, find. Hunt the dark lady."

"She may be injured, even dead." He sighed. "I'm not sure."

"Poor lady. Merlin sad. I'll find."

He smiled. "I'm not sure I'd be that sad about it, to be honest. Find her, keep an eye on her and then report back to me. I'll come back here tonight, when it's dark."

"Yes, yes. Will find. Will tell," she chirped and flew off before he could say anything more. With an amused smile at the retreating white dot, Merlin headed back into Camelot before he was missed.

~o~0~o~


	17. A Small Light in the Darkness

**(4x13 onwards)**

"He fled, Morgana. He trembled at the sight of you." Helios seemed unconcerned about Dragoon's presence within Camelot, but she was panicking; a familiar fear beginning to grip her.

"Then why was he here? Why does he choose to taunt me like this?"

"We must hold our nerve," the Southron replied. "Maybe you should get some sleep."

She simply nodded in reply. This recent scare had appeared to have robbed her of her strength, and the trials of the last few days were apparently only now catching up with her. "Make sure there are guards on the door," she called out as the turned to leave.

Her dreams were full of whispers. A hundred tiny voices chanting, "Emrys, Emrys," and taunting her whilst she slept. She dreamt of the dark as she always did; of pain and hunger and fear. She dreamt of Merlin as she always did; of betrayal and passion and regret. And she dreamt of Emrys as she always did; of fear and destiny and death.

Morgana awoke to the sound of the warning bells and Helios' hurried entry into her chambers and made her way down to the council hall to confront Arthur, now quite confident of her victory. She couldn't believe the stupidity of the man, to try and take Camelot back under such circumstances. However, it wasn't long before she realised the true reason for Emrys' presence the previous night. How he'd managed it, she had no idea, but he must indeed have very great power to be able to strip her magic from her.

At least she still had her sword skills to fall back on, rusty as they were. In hindsight she regretted not having kept up with her practice but she had never thought she would need those abilities again. The old Morgana would not have been so easily struck nor so easily confused and, looking back, she had few clear memories about what had happened when she'd confronted Gwen in that corridor. One moment she had the tip of her sword at the pretender's throat, and the next there was a sudden darkness and dust and pain, and every instinct was telling her to run and hide. To get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.

Morgause had said that the greatest sorcerers could control time and even master life and death itself, and it was true that Morgana had recovered from many injuries recently that should have killed her. Emrys' most recent attack in the woods outside her hovel was one she definitely should not have woken up from under normal circumstances and, looking back, there had been other incidences too. Perhaps she could survive this as well although, without her magic, who knew.

What had he done to her?

Morgana continued to flee, just stumbling now, hardly seeing, hardly feeling. At least if she had to die she could die out here in the woods, quietly and peacefully. She collapsed to the ground and marvelled at how real the pain felt now. How real _she_ felt when in truth, without her magic, she was nothing. What was the point of living without it?

No Camelot, No Morgause, No magic?

She quickly feel unconscious, the whispering sound of, "Emrys, Emrys…" still echoing in her head, but then the sound appeared to change and the darkness enveloping her began to pull back. _"Find, find, hunt, hunt, Aithusa, Aithusa."_ Then there was light and warmth buzzing through her body and the pain disappeared instantly. Morgana sat up abruptly and gazed in wonder at the small, white dragon, perched on a nearby mossy tree stump, watching her just as curiously as she was watching it. Then it made a small chirrup sound and lifted up, flying away before she could fully come to terms with what had just happened.

~o~0~o~

The sword wound had disappeared with no sign of a mark. Had the dragon healed her?

Dragon?

Morgana had understood that the last great beast had been killed by Arthur three years ago, but Helios had told her that one had attacked and burned Agravaine's party recently. Not this little one, surely? She got to her feet and continued on her way, looking for shelter. The pain may have gone but she had lost a lot of blood and was exhausted and confused by all she had gone through. Luckily, she knew this area well enough to make her way towards a small abandoned hut that was close by; barely habitable, but would offer some basic protection for the night, at least.

Her attempt to light a fire with magic proved futile so she tried to do it the other way. Unfortunately that was another skill she had not had much need of recently and, unlike sword play, one she'd never had to learn when she was younger either. Luckily the nights were mild at this time of year and she was so tired that it was only sleep she currently craved.

"Hunt, hunt. Find the dark lady."

Morgana woke abruptly to see the little dragon watching her again - sitting on the other side of the fire she'd been attempting to light earlier.

"Hello," she said. The creature let out a sound that was close to a giggle and Morgana smiled, feeling safer and more content than she had in a long while.

"Hello, dark lady."

"Morgana," she said with a laugh. "My name's Morgana."

The dragon tipped its head, contemplating this. "Morgana."

"Do _you_ have a name?" she asked, hugging her arms around herself, aware that it was getting darker and cooler now.

The creature bobbed it's head enthusiastically. "Aithusa, Aithusa. I'm Aithusa."

"Thank you for saving me." She shivered.

"Cold lady. Cold Morgana."

"Yes." She leant forward and picked up the flint, striking it over the pile of wood and suddenly recalling the time she'd last done this - in Ealdor, attempting to light the fire that would initiate their trap. Merlin had come to her rescue, she recalled bitterly. That was one advantage of being a servant, she supposed.

"Silly." Morgana looked up abruptly, glaring at the look of glee on the dragon's face. "Fire is easy," Aithusa bragged, opening her mouth and letting forth a small flame which quickly had the branches blazing merrily.

"For a dragon, perhaps."

As she looked back towards Aithusa, Morgana saw the creature suddenly jump, her small, white head tipped to one side as if she was listening to something.

"Forgot. Dark. Have to go."

"Please stay."

"Can't. _Have_ to go." The dragon appeared to frown, shaking her head briefly.

"Will you come back?" Morgana called as the dragon quickly flew out. " _Please_ come back," she continue far more quietly.

She was desperately hungry and thirsty, but sleep still seemed to be a far greater need at the moment. At least now she was warm. With a sigh, Morgana curled back up next to the dragon-lit fire and fell asleep.

~o~0~o~

The whispering was back, louder than before – as loud as it had been that last night in Camelot. The darkness, the fear, the pain. The same nightly torture that she had so often had to endure but here, now, there was a small light in the darkness; a flickering flame of hope and love. A little white dragon watching her.

~o~0~o~

"Morgana."

The familiar and unwelcome male voice pulled her violently awake and she scrambled back instinctively, feeling weak and hungry and, even worse … scared.

"Stay back, Merlin. I'm warning you."

He was crouching exactly where Aithusa had been earlier, one knee raised with his arms wrapped around it, contemplating her in much the same way as the dragon had. She shook her head at the strange comparison.

"I've brought some food and water. You must be hungry," he said and his voice was so quiet and so kind that she wasn't sure whether to scream or cry.

"Why do you care?"

He shrugged and pointed to her left where a piece of cheese, chicken and a few berries were lying on the cloth they had obviously been wrapped in for the journey. In his hand he held a bulging water skin which he opened and offered to her.

"You have _got_ to be joking," she scoffed and, with a wry smile at her suspicious reaction, Merlin tipped his head back and poured water carelessly into his mouth, making it quite obvious he was drinking from it, before putting on the lid and throwing it over to her. She stared at all the offerings suspiciously.

"If I wanted you dead I'd have just left you here to die of thirst. You might as well take it."

She stared at him for the longest time before grabbing the water-skin and drinking greedily. "So, why didn't you?" she asked as she picked up the piece of cheese and started to eat it. "Why are you here, Merlin?"

"I needed to know where you were. I needed to make quite sure you were no longer a threat."

She held up her hand towards him, palm first and gained a small amount of satisfaction on seeing him shrink back nervously. "Hleap on bæc," she intoned. Nothing happened and she shrugged. "Apparently, I'm not."

"I've brought medical supplies," he continued after a short pause. "Gwen said you were injured."

"She was mistaken. I'm fine." He frowned at her suspiciously and she sighed, hauling herself up and then bending down, stretching up, twisting from side to side to prove the point. "See?" She sat back down again and ate a little more.

"You should let me look you over anyway. I know quite a bit now."

She smirked. "Oh, _that's_ how it is, is it? Just an excuse to have me strip again, is it?"

"I'm not _that_ desperate," he retorted.

"If you say so." She glared at him. "You can go back to your beloved Arthur now, Merlin. I need to sleep."

He didn't reply to that, simply shrugging and placing a few branches on the dying fire before getting up and leaving in silence. Morgana curled up to sleep again, only briefly pulled awake some unknown time later by a small fluttering sound. She opened her eyes to see Aithusa had returned and, with a gentle smile on her lips, quickly fell back into a deep sleep.

~o~0~o~

When Morgana next awoke she realised she was feeling very much stronger. She consumed the last of the food Merlin had left her, picked up the now empty water skin and headed onwards, towards a far more suitable shelter that was further away from Camelot and her enemies.

She was heading for a place she'd once stayed in with Morgause. A well hidden little hut in a small woodland, next to a fresh water lake, where she would have access to everything she needed for the short term. She approached the place especially carefully, recalling all the hunting and tracking knowledge she'd learnt over the years and making quite certain that Merlin would be unable to follow her here.

Aithusa obviously had other means at her disposal, however, as the little dragon arrived at dusk, grumbling loudly at Morgana for having moved without telling her.

"I wasn't going to stay there," she scoffed. "Don't you think this place is better?"

"Yes, yes. Near water. Good," Aithusa conceded.

"Yes, it is. First I need to fill this skin and then ..." She sighed. "I suppose I'd better forage for some mushrooms and berries before it gets to dark."

"Food? I can get food. Little birds? Brown, hopping things?"

"Rabbits?"

"Yes, yes. Rabbit. Yes?"

"Really? Could you do that?" Aithusa just giggled and quickly flew away.

~o~0~o~

Morgana spent the following morning foraging for supplies - foods and herbs to both store and hang - and the afternoon cleaning and re-arranging the hut; torn between frustration at not having her magic to help and a strange satisfaction at doing it all 'the hard way'. By the time the sun was setting she was tired, sore and dirty and so, despite the late hour, she decided to bathe in the lake, grateful for the mild temperature which would make the dip a little more bearable.

"How's the water?" At the sound of Merlin voice, Morgana instinctively ducked under the surface before realising how silly her reaction was. She stood back up with a glare, until the water was again at her hip level and saw him lick his lips as he sat on a large stone on the water's edge watching her hungrily and making no attempt to turn away.

"How did you find me?" she asked.

"It wasn't that difficult."

"Why are you here?" She moved a bit closer, enjoying seeing the obvious desire on his face as his eyes greedily explored her naked body.

"I told you. I need to keep an eye on you."

"Won't you be missed?" she asked.

"No, I told them I was going to visit my Mother – to check up on Ealdor after you sent Agravaine there." He glared at her viciously, all traces of desire briefly erased from his features.

"Your fault for running off and putting them in danger then, wasn't it?" She saw Merlin's jaw clench as he obviously fought to find a retort and failed. "Anyway, there's no reason for you to stay here now. I'm no threat to your precious Arthur."

"I'm not going anywhere, Morgana."

"So, come and join me then."

She moved even closer, causing the water line to drop below her hips, exposing even more of her body - tempting him. There was the longest pause before he got up from the rock and started to strip; first his neckerchief, then his shirt. Morgana gave a soft laugh, secretly delighted, and dropped back into the water before drifting out into the middle. She heard a splash and turned to see Merlin swimming strongly towards her. As he got close she dove under the water, knowing the action would make him stop, and headed for his position, grabbing under the surface and quickly finding his ankles. She pulled.

All animosity between them seemed to disappear then, washed away by the cold water. He broke the surface laughing, and she joined in. It seemed strange to see him so happy after having only witnessed glares of hate or desire directed at her in recent years. Merlin grabbed her then, but fairly gently, and a game ensued; diving, splashing attacking until, of course, it inevitably became something else.

They were now standing waist deep in the water, naked bodies flush against each other, one of his hands on her lower back, pushing her close to him. Hers were higher, one now in his hair as she raised herself on tiptoes, enjoying the feel of him hard against her, as she slid up, searching for a kiss.

He seemed more relaxed than usual, taking his time, letting his fingers trail lazily across her skin as he kissed her deeply. She realised that in their previous encounters Merlin had been deliberately aggressive in order to distract her, to keep her off balance to ensure she didn't get bored enough to use her powers on him. That obviously wasn't an issue any more and she found that she was strangely happy about it, enjoying the feel of his hands caressing her so gently - travelling temptingly close to her most sensitive areas before skirting away, driving her slowly crazy with desire.

She was therefore disappointed when he pulled away soon after, but he didn't go far, taking her hands and leading her towards the centre of the lake until they were almost neck deep in the water. There he pulled her back towards him, before lifting one of her legs up onto his hip as he had once before in the armoury - dropping lower briefly and then lifting up again, pressing himself against her, so close to entering. She clung to his neck with a gasp, enjoying the sensation.

"Let's go back to shore," she whispered. "I want you."

"No need." She loved the sound of his voice at times like this, so much lower than usual, with a strange hint of danger audible within it that drove her mad with desire.

With little effort, Merlin quickly lifted her other leg, his hands now on her buttocks and, in doing so, encouraged her to wrap her legs around his slip hips, the deep water making it easy for him to hold up her weight.

"You're not serious? Here? Like this?" He said nothing, instead kissing her passionately and adjusted her on his hips until they were in a perfect position for him to enter her easily. Morgana cried out in delight as she slid onto him, the sound echoing strangely across the moonlit water as she wrapped her arms even tighter around Merlin's neck, using his shoulders as leverage to move herself up and down, and his hands on her hips assisted with the movement.

Neither of them lasted long after that and it seemed that, out here, everything that had once happened between them could be forgotten – both of them laughing as they eventually parted; high from their love making and amused at the absurdity of their latest sexual encounter.

It was if they had made some unspoken promise - a vow to not let their past intrude here. They left the water in silence and headed into the little hut, Merlin quickly crouching to light the fire whilst Morgana pulled the old fur from the bed and brought it over to wrap around them as they sat shivering in front of the flames; naked bodies huddled close together for warmth. After a few moments of silence she rose and poured the stew she'd prepared earlier into a couple of chipped bowls and brought them back to the fire. Merlin took his with nothing more than a nod and, once they'd both finished, pulled her back towards him, kissing her deeply before lowering her down onto the furs and making love to her once more.

For the first time in their long association, Merlin and Morgana feel asleep in each other's arms with no fear of discovery.

~o~0~o~


	18. And A Lake

**(Set post 4x13)**

Merlin was exhausted. Having had little sleep for the two nights before taking back Camelot, he then had to check what had happened to Morgana, take care of Gaius after his ordeal in the dungeons and still be available to run numerous errands for Arthur. Now it looked like he'd be missing another night's sleep and had no idea how he would manage to get away when it turned dark. It looked like it was time to use that old excuse of playing Arthur and Gaius off against each other again; reminding the young king that there were plenty of servants around to help him at the moment, but only one sick and one half-trained physician to deal with all the injuries, and that Merlin really needed to be around to take care of Gaius himself.

And, to be honest, he felt that he really _should_ be staying with the old man but, once out of the dungeons, Gaius started to recover quickly and seemed happy for the young man to go and help Arthur. And so, feeling horribly guilty, Merlin packed a few basic medical and food supplies, sneaked into Morgana's chambers to collect one especially important item and then left Camelot to meet with Aithusa.

He had thought he was late but, when he arrived at the agreed meeting place, there was no sign of the dragon. With a sigh, Merlin called to the sky again, summoning her with his Dragonlord powers and she was soon there, her usual high pitched and excited voice audible long before she came into view.

"Found her, found her. Found Morgana."

"You did? Where is she? Is she alive?"

"Yes, yes. Come, come." And she flew off, encouraging Merlin to follow whilst he tried to work out what was confusing him about Aithusa's words.

The dragon lead Merlin to a small hut that was so dilapidated that it had almost fallen down. He sent the little dragon away then, despite her grumbles, not wanting Morgana to see them together and promising that he'd call her back later.

The sorceress was curled up asleep on one side of a small fire, twitching and moving very slightly as she dreamt. Merlin contemplated her for a long time before pulling the effigy out from his bag of supplies and, with a sad sigh, moving quietly to hang it under the twisted eaves close to where she was sleeping. This far from Camelot the enchantment would soon start to wear off and, although he had no intention of keeping her magic from her forever, it certainly suited him to have her weakened for the time being. Camelot needed time to heal and, in the long run, this would do her no great harm – perhaps it might even help. It seemed to him that Morgana had always been a slave to the magic she wielded and that did no-one any favours – least of all her.

Making sure that the doll was well concealed, Merlin opened the cloth of food he'd brought and set it down next to Morgana, before settling down opposite and quietly calling her name.

~o~0~o~

After a short talk and adding a few twigs to the fire, Merlin left Morgana to get some more sleep and moved outside; waiting until he was some way away from the hut before calling Aithusa back to him.

The little dragon was quieter this time and he felt that she was perhaps cross with him.

"I'm sorry I sent you away before, but I really needed to see her on my own," he explained.

"Can I go back now?"

The question confused Merlin "Go back?" he asked.

"To see Morgana."

That's when he realised what had confused him before. "How do you know her name?" he asked.

"She told me."

Merlin realised he was missing something. "What exactly happened when you found her, Aithusa?"

"She was still. Cold. Hurt."

"She was injured?"

"Yes. Dying ... Merlin sad."

Merlin scratched his head, trying to work out what the dragon was implying. "What happened next?"

"Magic!" she chirped. "I breathed magic like fire."

"You healed her!" He almost shouted it. "Why?"

She hung her head like a scolded dog. "Merlin sad. Morgana hurt. Heal mate."

"Mate?" he choked out.

"Yes, yes. Boy ... girl … mate." She looked up at him curiously, "Yes?"

Merlin covered his face in defeat, groaning loudly. It seemed that Aithusa had somehow sensed something of his relationship with Morgana. Perhaps when he'd sent her a telepathic image he'd transferred rather more information with it than he'd intended. The young dragon may just be old enough to grasp the idea of 'mate', but there was no way Merlin could begin to explain to her exactly why his instruction had been misinterpreted.

"No?" she asked pitifully.

"It's alright, Aithusa. I'm sorry I shouted at you. You were very clever to find Morgana and heal her but I think you should go back to Kilgharrah now before you're missed." He sighed. "I should go back home too, for much the same reason."

"Yes." For once her reply seemed calm and serious. With no further comments, Aithusa jumped into the air and flew away. Merlin gave a huge sigh and headed back towards Camelot.

~o~0~o~

The next day or two continued to be frantic and Merlin did what he could to help around the palace, but was now highly distracted about Morgana and the whole situation and didn't feel as if he could even confide in Gaius in this case. It was all too confusing and too awkward, and yet he knew that he should go back and check on her, even though she was too far away from the castle for him to simply visit every night. He also had to catch up on his sleep at some point.

In the end it was his distraction that gave him the very excuse he needed.

"What on earth is wrong with you, Merlin?" Arthur exclaimed. "You're even more scatty than usual."

"I'm sorry it's just that ..." Inspiration dawned. "I'm worried about my Mother and Ealdor. After what happened there? I've heard nothing – no letters and ..." He sighed. "I'm sorry I'm so distracted, Sire. I promise I'll try harder."

It was a lie and he felt guilty for it. He _had_ heard from his mother and Ealdor was fine. Agravaine's soldiers had been far too interested in catching the king to have any thoughts of enacting vengeance against the village that had sheltered them, especially seeing that it was in another kingdom. Of course Merlin would like to visit if he could but, right now, keeping an eye on Morgana and ensuring Camelot's safety was far more important.

Merlin continue to tidy the room, quite certain he could feel Arthur's eyes on him the whole time.

"Why don't you take some time off to visit her, Merlin?"

Well, _that_ was easier than expected.

"What? Are you sure? You need all the help you can get here after the attack."

"What good are you to Camelot like this? Half a useless servant is hardly going to be missed."

"Really? You don't mind?"

"I suppose it could even be said that you're owed a holiday after everything you've done recently."

"Are you sure you're feeling quite well, Arthur?" Merlin couldn't help asking with a cheeky grin. "Perhaps you're still suffering from that injury that affected your memory whilst we were on the run?"

"Do you want the time off or not?"

Merlin smiled broadly. "Of course, Sire. Thank you, Sire."

~o~0~o~

She had moved. Merlin supposed that he shouldn't be surprised about that – this place wasn't much of a shelter after all. He went inside briefly to retrieve the effigy from the rafters, checked it was still working its special brand of magic and then set out to follow Morgana's tracks. He hadn't wanted to involve Aithusa at this point, especially now he knew she had been seen by Morgana but, in the end he had no choice, as he soon lost her trail and seriously wished he'd paid more attention to his tracking lessons from Arthur after all.

"Do you know where Morgana is?" he asked the little dragon when she arrived.

"Yes, yes. Show Merlin?"

"Yes please."

"Nice place. Water. Fat rabbits." She opened her mouth in a typical dragon smile.

"I thought I told you to go back to Kilgharrah," he accused.

"Asked, not told." She stopped, turning on the wing and looking at him with big sorrowful eyes. "Please."

"What? What's the matter?"

"Don't make me go."

"I really wish you wouldn't spent time with her, Aithusa, she's not what you think she is and ..."

The dragon started to cry then, little squeaks that sounded like sobs. "Don't make me, please!"

Merlin sighed. "Alright, Aithusa, I won't order you to leave but … I will insist on one promise and, if you can't promise then I _shall_ have to force you."

"Not to leave Morgana, please."

"No, but I order you not to tell her about me."

"Nothing?"

"No. Do not tell her you know me, do not tell her I have magic and do not tell her I'm a Dragonlord."

"Why?"

"Aithusa. Please."

"I won't. You command. I obey."

"And are we still friends, even though I asked this of you?"

"I can see Morgana, yes?" she asked.

"Yes," he decided eventually. "I will not tell you who you can and cannot be friends with."

"Then friends we are. Yes, yes."

It seemed that she had led him to a dead end. A sheer cliff face confronted them with a perilous drop to a fast flowing river below and trees mostly covering a steep slope that looked impossible to climb. The dragon then flew in-between the trees so suddenly that Merlin called out, afraid he'd lost her.

"Here, here," she chirruped. "Clever place. Private place. Well hidden."

He battled his way through the trees to find a small concealed cave entrance. "There's magic here," he observed.

"Yes, magic. Makes it harder to find, but _we_ can."

"Yes, I suppose we can," he replied with a grim smile.

It wasn't long before they emerged from the other side into a small cove-like area near a large lake – making it seem as if it were a large beach by the sea, pretty much inaccessible from all other sides due to high cliffs and thick forest. It was dusk now and Merlin heard the soft splashing in the water and looked nervously towards the sound.

"Morgana. Swimming." Aithusa informed him. "We could all swim together?"

"She can't see us together, remember?" The dragon lowered her head again, eyes wide and sad. "I'm sorry, Aithusa, but you need to make yourself scarce for a while. I'm not sure how long I'll stay but I need to spend some time here. When I leave, you can come back. If that's what you really want?"

"Yes, yes." Although her voice had a sadder quality to it. "See Kilgharrah then, for a while."

"Oh, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to order you not to tell _him_ about Morgana either, or about any of this."

"Yes, yes. All our secrets," she whispered sadly as she flew off.

"So many secrets," Merlin agreed.

Merlin walked quietly into the hut – this one waterproof and actually quite pleasant. He headed straight for the bed, placing the effigy under it, yet again; hating himself for continuing to keep Morgana from her magic, but knowing it was the only logical thing to do under the circumstances. That task completed, he found himself drawn to the lake seemingly against his will but, as he perched on a stone and saw her swimming there, her pale skin reflecting in the bright moonlight, he knew that he could not justify spying on her without her knowing he was there.

"How's the water?" he called out.

~o~0~o~

The morning sun filtered through the high windows of the little cottage and shone in Merlin's eyes, waking him from a deep sleep. He was in bed under thick furs with Morgana's head nestled in the crook of his neck and her long hair tickling his chin. He felt a strange shiver go through him then; part desire, part contentment, part regret. How could something this wrong feel so right?

He had been there for days now, perhaps a week? The pair of them just ignoring their past and acting a role; as if they were just two ordinary lovers living in a small hut near a lake. Merlin tried to ignore the sudden image of Freya that flashed through his mind, reluctantly concluding that he was simply living out an old fantasy – a distant dream that could not last. He felt Morgana stir.

"I have to go back now," he said.

There was a long pause. "I understand."

"Will you leave Camelot alone, Morgana?"

"What?"

"Just let Arthur be king. Let him do what he was born to do."

"Without my magic I don't have much choice, do I?"

"But, even if it returns, will you leave then?"

She sighed. "I don't know."

"It is not your destiny to be Queen, Morgana, but you could be some help to these people. Use your magic for good; be a healer, a teacher, train an apprentice?"

"I suppose."

"I don't recall ever seeing you as relaxed and happy as I have here these last few days."

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Will you, Morgana? Will you stop attacking and start living instead?"

There was another very long pause. "Yes, as long as Arthur does nothing to persecute my kin, then I will leave him alone. However, if I regain my magic and hear of any hurt he has caused them – any crimes against magic users - then that promise will be void."

"Thank you," Merlin said, smiling. "I swear that you won't regret this."

"I hope you're right," she replied with a deep sigh. "Make love to me one last time before you go, Merlin. I don't expect we'll see each other again ... if ever."

"No. I suppose not," he replied with a deep sigh, pulling her gently towards him and kissing her passionately.

~o~0~o~

__


	19. The Ultimate Prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one hurt like hell to write and so I don't imagine it will be much easier to read. Sorry :(  
> So, yeah, warnings for severe angst, although, you all knew that was coming, didn't you?

**  
(Set before and during S5)**

It was dark in Morgana's nightmares. It always had been, for as long as she could remember. The first time she had been made fully aware of her magic had been when she had unwittingly lit a candle and set the curtains aflame in her chambers and, despite Gaius' denials, Morgana had know it was her doing and, more importantly, she had known why. Why it _had_ to have been her.

Conjuring fire had always been the easiest magic for her to master and that was because it created light and warmth. _Light and warmth._ It was something she had always craved because, even during the sunniest days or the hottest nights, Morgana had known, deep down, that she would end up in the dark; cold, scared and alone.

Although perhaps not quite alone.

"I trusted him, Aithusa," she whispered. "What a fool I was."

There was the familiar sound of a whimper but Morgana no longer knew which one of them it had come from. They were the same now; her and the dragon. She was Aithusa and Aithusa was Morgana.

Perhaps it had always been that way.

Perhaps this had always been her reality. Perhaps she had always lived here. Perhaps she had been born down in this deep, dark pit and had only dreamt of those other places; the luxury of Camelot, the kinship with Morgause, the warmth of her magic, the passion with Merlin.

No! She could not think of _him_. She could not allow herself to think of what he had done to her.

"How could I have trusted him, Aithusa? Why did I believe him when he said he would let me go?"

Another whimper.

Time had no meaning here. Her magic had returned some time back, she was sure she remembered that. Not long after Merlin had left her for Camelot, if she recalled correctly, but then … it was hard to know for certain nowadays.

What had happened then? How had she been captured? Morgana tried to recall the details but she saw so many faces when she closed her eyes – so many enemies – that she struggled to remember any of them clearly. Perhaps she had been right before. Perhaps she had always been here in the pit and had only dreamt the rest.

But how could she have made all of that up? How could she remember every colour, sight, sound and taste from _that_ world if she'd lived all of her life in this one.

"It's always the men, Aithusa, remember that. You can never trust them."

Uther had been her first jailer. He had locked her up in a gilded cage and called her his ward, but it had still been a prison. The king had even locked her up for real, once. She was quite certain she hadn't imagined that.

Gaius had imprisoned her too, in his own way. The physician had attempted to chain her magic with potions which meant, of course, that he had chained her as well – denying her what she truly was.

Why? She had never thought of Gaius as especially cruel or power hungry but she supposed that all the men were the same in the end. Always imprisoning her.

Emrys was the worst, of course, and Morgana still had regular nightmares about that old sorcerer, although she rarely dreamt of the dark nowadays. Why should that be something unusual when she opened her eyes to that nightmare every day? No, now her visions were about Emrys – about her doom. About the old man that had bound her magic far more cruelly than Gaius had ever managed. She laughed bitterly. What doom could she possibly fear now? What could possibly be worse than this living hell?

Arthur she had once loved; convinced that he had her best interests at heart, even if he was a stubborn, self centred young man. However, as the prince had started to grow up and become more responsible, he also began to distance himself from her, leaving her alone and vulnerable. He made himself out to be some great hero; strong and fearless and yet had never once thought to rescue Morgana from her numerous chains, instead giving his love to two servants in place of his own sister. And, of course, his most recent crime was the worst, and the one she would never have believed him capable of.

For she had no doubt that it _was_ Arthur that had told Sarrum where to find her – no doubt at all. He had obviously taken the knowledge that Merlin had given him in exchanged it for an alliance, without even having the courage to attempt to capture her himself.

_Merlin!_

"He gave me his word, Aithusa. He promised. He made love to me and held me and kissed me and asked me to leave Camelot. Why didn't he just leave me be? I wasn't going to go back. Why did he have to go and tell Arthur where I was? Did he really hate me that much?"

Aithusa whimpered again and Morgana struggled to remember when she had last heard the dragon speak. She was in pain, of course, her young body was growing rapidly but she had little room in this dark pit. Down here there was nowhere for either of them to go.

"Talk to me," she urged.

"Mmmm..."

"It was all an act, all a ruse," Morgana continued. "The sword wound didn't kill me, neither did the roof-fall and so he left Camelot and came to find me just in order to finish me off. Why didn't he just stab me whilst I slept? Why didn't he poison the food he gave me? Merlin is many, many things but I never truly believed him to be cruel. He was kind once, I remember, but the real kindness would have been if he had actually killed me this time around."

"Nooo … Mmm..."

"What? Aithusa, talk to me."

"Can't..."

That was the last word the dragon had spoken, she recalled. 'Can't.' Morgana asked her to say more, asked her what it was she couldn't say but now, generally, Aithusa only whimpered and it broke her heart to hear the sound.

_It was her fault that she was here._

Morgana frowned, trying to make sense of that thought. Trying to work out which 'she' had spoken and which 'she' was meant but it didn't really matter. They were both here because of the other – both threatened with the death of the other if they didn't comply to Sarrum's demands and, even though Morgana had managed to regain her magic, she had been so out of the habit that it had left her seriously vulnerable to attack.

_Why hadn't she fought harder?_

But, it wasn't her fault and it wasn't Aithusa's fault. It was Uther and Gaius and Arthur and Emrys ... and Merlin.

"Always Merlin!"

Aithusa whimpered again. Morgana noticed that she often did when she mentioned her former lover. The little dragon must know just how much the servant had hurt her – how much pain he had caused her over the years.

"Despite everything we shared he did not trust that I would leave. I thought we had something, Aithusa. I thought we had come to an understanding but of course he would never go against his beloved Arthur. Everything was always about Arthur for him and so, when the king asked where I was, Merlin would have told him. Obviously. He would have told him that I was weakened too, no doubt. Urged him to strike whilst I was still helpless."

"Mmmm..."

"Why could he not just leave me be?"

 

~o~0~o~

For once, Morgana opened her eyes to the light and sighed in frustration at the sight. This was obviously just another dream. When she had been in the light she had always dreamt of the dark – now in the dark it seemed that she always dreamt of the light.

She appeared to be in a soft bed in a large, slightly shabby room and found herself savouring the illusion. It all felt so real but, then again, the darkness had always felt real back in Camelot, so why should Camelot not feel real whilst in the darkness.

Except, this wasn't Camelot.

Morgana sat up and blinked as she looked around – the bright sunlight confusing her. What an odd dream to be having. Then again, she often dreamt of other light places – of cottages, of boats on water, of sitting on a throne in an old, ruined fortress.

Of her family – long dead. Of Gwen, the kind girl that was her maid – not the servant pretender that had taken her throne. Of Merlin when he was a skinny, wide-eyed boy, cheeks flaming red in her presence. Sparring with Arthur – both with sword and with words during those warm, light, halcyon days of her childhood that were now lost to her forever.

And now she was stuck permanently in the dark and destined to only dream of the light.

Of the light and of Emrys. Of some great battle and of his gaze. That piercing gaze. The same look the old sorcerer had given Morgana as he hovered over her during their last fight. The same pose and the same look she dreamt about so often on that blood-red battlefield at some point in the future. Red sky, red capes, red flags, red blood and his red robes - but his eyes were blue. Steely blue and old and young and terrifying – and yet … somehow familiar too. As if they had known each other forever.

But then Morgana suspected that Emrys had been in her dreams for as long as the darkness had.

"My lady? Ragnor has arrived. He's in the courtyard with more men."

"Who?" She blinked at the strange man that had appeared in this dream, not recognising him or the name he gave.

Or perhaps this wasn't a dream after all. She did find it so hard to remember what was real nowadays, but then the pit wasn't called an Oubliette for nothing. Was she still there or had she been rescued? Was she dreaming of the times before her capture or living her life afterwards? It was always so hard to remember, especially immediately after waking and, for many years now, it seemed that her visions were far more real to her than her waking moments.

But then Morgana looked out of the window and reality suddenly came back into focus as she experienced a powerful pull of something long forgotten and she hurryed downstairs to check, unable to truly believe her senses.

"Mordred?"

Here was a man she felt she _could_ trust. One with magic – one she had always had such a strong bond with and, for a little while, she was truly happy in a way she hadn't been since the lake.

But Mordred was just like Merlin, like Uther, like Arthur. Another man that had pretended to care but, in reality, feared and despised her.

She had been so certain that the young man had looked at her with understanding as they sat at that table eating – with love even. But then hadn't Uther, Arthur and Merlin all admitted to that emotion in one way or another? Hadn't they all said they had loved her?

They had all lied. They had all stabbed her in the back either literally or figuratively. Mordred though? She would never have believed that of him. Never. Perhaps she was still dreaming.

For once she really hoped she was.

 

~o~0~o~

So this _was_ real then? This _was_ her life she was experiencing in the years after the pit? Mordred was no longer a small boy, Merlin was no longer a thin, wide-eyed youth and Arthur had been king for … six years? So this wasn't a dream? She really was back here in the light doing everything she could to reclaim her throne and seek revenge on Camelot?

Yes, of course, she remembered now. She remembered the light flooding in as the seal to the Oubliette had been lifted. She remembered journeying with Mithian to Camelot in the guise of an old woman. She remembered torturing Alator and hunting Finna in her quest for Emrys. She remembered capturing and enchanting Gwen in order to gain a new spy within Camelot and it was with relish that she remembered pouring poison between Merlin's lips and kicking him down a ravine.

"Merlin has a weakness for outcasts. Especially druids," she had told the boy who had helped to lure him there.

Which brought Morgana back to the subject of Mordred. Brought her back to the reality of why she was here in this great fortress of Ismere, sitting on this throne. Why she had decided to give the young sorcerer one last chance.

Because, she really _was_ free from that darkness, she realised with a sudden clarity. Free from that pit, free from Sarrum. Freer than she had ever been.

But, if that was the case, why did she feel like a prisoner behind her own eyes? Why did she feel as if she was trapped deep inside herself, screaming to be let out? Screaming to be set free.

"I bring you the news you have longed for," Mordred said, his head bowed.

"Arthur's death?" she asked, hopefully.

"The key to it," he replied. And perhaps with that, the key to her freedom. From this one, final prison she now appeared to be inhabiting.

"Emrys." At long last.

"I know where he is," Mordred informed her.

"Where?"

"Camelot. And I have his true name." _The key turned._ "It is Merlin."

_The final turn. The final betrayal. The final secret._

And with that one name, that final, painful turn, Morgana was locked inside her mind forever. Never to escape again.

 

~o~0~o~

__


	20. No More Secrets

**(Set before and during Series 5)**

Merlin emerged from the concealed cave entrance and increased his pace – head down, determined not to look back. Willing himself to keep walking and to not turn around. Not to be tempted to extend the experience of the past few days or dwell on the guilty joy of the time he'd spent with Morgana.

During that last week, she had almost been the same as the girl he'd first fallen for. A little more withdrawn perhaps, a little less vibrant, but content nonetheless, in a way Merlin had not seen for very many years.

But, if he loved her, he needed to let her go. He knew that she would only be truly happy once she was far away from Camelot and its painful memories and, despite her initial reluctance, Merlin found that he _did_ believe her when she promised she would start anew. Especially when she was able to recall that time, years before, when she had decided to make a fresh start and seek out the druids for herself.

Merlin had left the effigy behind, still under her bed, but had not renewed the enchantment before he'd departed for Camelot. That meant that it was continuing to absorb Morgana's magic at the moment but that its influence would soon start to fade - especially if she decided to move away from it. Perhaps she wouldn't even realise her abilities had returned for a while and perhaps that might give her the extra peace she so desperately needed.

Yes, he decided with a sigh, he had to let her go – had to forget about her and get on with his own life, just as she needed to get on with hers. And he should feel happy about that because, despite the deception and the lies over his relationship with Morgana, it could well be the one thing that ultimately saved her. Not only that but, if she really did leave Camelot as she had promised, then Arthur and Gwen could continue their reign without her interference and, if they didn't have to constantly battle Morgana, they could focus on other matters; making life better for the citizens, forming alliances with their neighbours. Simply running a peaceful and prosperous kingdom.

And maybe, if Arthur wasn't being constantly reminded about the evils that magic could wrought, then the king would have the opportunity to become more open about the practice. Merlin was confident that Arthur would not be sending out parties after the druids just for the sake of it, or execute a random citizen who had been caught using magic to heal a sick relative as Uther had done. He may not be ready to lift the ban quite yet, but the young sorcerer was fairly certain that, as long as those with magic didn't openly attack him, Arthur would not go purposefully looking for a fight.

As he made his way back home, Merlin decided not to call Aithusa to him at this time. The little dragon had not been happy about the orders she'd received recently and probably needed some time to come to terms with the fact that he had that sort of power over her. He felt no urgent need to summon Kilgharrah either – all that would do was provoke questions that he was not yet prepared to answer.

No, it was best if he simply went back to his life as Merlin – the king's clumsy, useless servant – and distance himself even further from everything to do with his magic. If Morgana wasn't attacking, if things were peaceful and quiet here from now on, then there would be no need anyway. He was long over the childish desire to risk his cover for the sake of a few moments of light-hearted fun. No, he would continue to study in secret, of course – continue to hone his skill in case it was suddenly needed but, other than that, he would put it all to one side – Morgana and his magic.

_All_ his secrets.

~o~0~o~

It was Merlin's turn for the dreams now.

His nights had never been as bad as Morgana's, of course, but that didn't mean to say that he hadn't occasionally been troubled by nightmares and strange visions during his young life. Now he found that he often woke in the night, sweating and fearful, with a desperate, inexplicable urge to light a candle. Usually he would conjure a large ball of light instead – a small sun in his room.

For some reason, it always made him think of Aithusa.

His chambers were the only place Merlin allowed himself to use magic now and he had not only improved his current hiding places but had created numerous new spells to protect his space and his precious secret. When practising he would put a seal on the entrance to his room which meant no one could enter or even peek through the gaps in the door. When he had to leave he'd put a special concealment charm on the space which meant that Arthur himself could come and search every inch of the chambers but still wouldn't find anything incriminating.

So, Merlin was no longer fearful of his gift or of discovery and wasn't scared for his life either, knowing he could easily escape if captured. No, the only reason he kept his magic a secret now was for Arthur's sake. Yes, he could tell his friend exactly who and what he was, but he absolutely could not risk the possibility of being banished or having to run away. He could not protect Arthur if he wasn't here.

~o~0~o~

He still thought of Morgana often, and usually those memories were pleasant, especially when he allowed himself the rare luxury of fully recalling their passionate times together in the privacy of his own bed at night but, other than that, Merlin found that he was able to put her to the back of his mind for most of the time – simply hoping she was well and quite determined not to use his powers to seek her out in any way.

And, it seemed that she had kept her promise too. Four years had passed and there was no word of her and, even better, no significant attacks on Arthur or Camelot. Most sorcerers had had a grudge against Uther not his son, and so thankfully, everything was quiet. All of which meant that Merlin barely stepped out of Camelot nowadays, unless it was to collect herbs or go hunting with Arthur. He used this 'spare' time to increase his medical studies, more than aware that Gaius would not be able to continue his role as a physician forever and that there was no-one else qualified enough to take over. In those few peaceful years, Merlin committed himself heart and soul to Camelot. Not just to Arthur but also to Gwen, to the knights, Gaius and the health of the whole community. Morgana and the dragons were now part of his past, he felt. No need to risk their lives on a selfish whim in order to discover how they were faring.

~o~0~o~

Merlin supposed it was inevitable that peace would not last. Almost five years after he had left Morgana, news of disturbances in the north started to emerge - although reports were initially sketchy. Arthur had formed a number of alliances in recent years and many of those new friends were getting nervous about the reports of Saxons on the move. Merlin noticed Arthur suddenly become more animated, an unusual excitement erupting deep inside the man, despite his serious countenance. The warlock realised with a strange dread that, whilst he had been savouring this wonderful time of peace, Arthur had seemed less well equipped to deal with it. It was something that he had not been fully aware of until now – until Arthur was suddenly required to revert back to what he was born to be; the king who was also a knight.

"We know Gwaine and his men crossed the pass, here, at Isulfor," Elyan said during a privy council meeting. "But beyond that, there was no trace. The trail went cold." Gwen's brother was here with the King and Queen, Gaius and Leon, whilst Merlin stood by the door – still playing his part as a servant here – despite Arthur seeking his advice more and more as the years progressed.

"What of this story that the fortress of Ismere has been occupied once more?" the king asked.

"I heard many rumours, Sire. All of them had one name in common..." A sudden, strange dread gripped Merlin, even before Elyan had uttered the next word. "Morgana."

The world spun, and he could hear the blood beating through his veins, pounding loudly in his ears. He didn't want to believe it, part of him _couldn't_ believe it.

She had promised. She had said she would not make trouble for Arthur if he did not attack sorcerers and … he hadn't. Merlin could look back on the last five years and say with absolute certainty that the king hadn't once caused harm to a sorcerer unless some other crime had been committed. Well, not unless you counted the various objects that he still tended to hurl at his servant from time to time.

" _Why, Morgana? Why did you break your promise to me?"_

~o~0~o~

Merlin had no idea why he had not recognised her when she was disguised as Hilda. Perhaps the years of peace had made him lose his touch. Perhaps he'd been too effective at trying to block all thoughts of the Morgana he'd once known from his head and his heart but, whatever the reason, he had not been aware of that pull he'd always seemed to have experienced when he'd been around her before – he hadn't even sensed her magic. Was she now so powerful that she could somehow stay disguised as he so often did? Or was it something else.

As Merlin saw Mithian's message on the stone by the river, all his recent concerns had become suddenly obvious and, when he was attacked by Morgana, he began to understand something else. As she came forward, hand outstretched - strangling him - he realised that there was no hesitation, no doubt at all. Previously they had both often paused when attacking the other, as if there had been some strange restraint holding them back – their emotions getting in the way perhaps?

There was none of that doubt here though. She wanted to kill him and as he began to lose consciousness, Merlin began to suspect that the reason he hadn't sensed Morgana's presence before was that she wasn't really there any more. He felt such a cold dread at that thought, that he was almost relieved when darkness overcame him.

~o~0~o~

There were a few other brief encounters with his former lover during that year and each meeting just confirmed Merlin's previous impression. Morgana had now completely lost her mind. He had seen hints of that madness in the past, of course, but their time together by the lake had appeared to have cured most of her malady. As Gaius had often said, treating the mind was generally far harder than treating the body, but Merlin's recent studies had confirmed that Morgana had been getting better.

So, what had happened to Morgana after he had left her? Because something must have, he was certain. This was not the same woman he had made love to five years ago, it wasn't even the same sorceress he'd fought with in the years before that. Now each time, Morgana saw him, she went for the kill – instantly - as if all her focus was on his death. Try as he might, Merlin could not see what he had done in recent years to have deserved that amount of focused hate.

~o~0~o~

He could not afford to be sentimental about this. About her. He could not afford to be distracted by anyone. This was all about Arthur and his destiny. He was sworn to protect the king and he would do everything – _anything -_ to achieve that and, during the next few weeks, that was exactly what Merlin did, even putting Arthur's destiny before his beloved magic.

There would be time to worry about Morgana later, but at the moment he had to deal with Mordred. For now it was only Arthur and Camelot that mattered to him. Nothing else.

Not any more.

And, anyway, what sort of magic did Merlin want returned to this land? Not Morgana's type, certainly, and most definitely not the Disirs'. He would have had respect for those old women in the past, but for them to ask Arthur to submit to their version of the goddess? He suddenly recalled Sigan's words then, 'He will bow before you' and Merlin shuddered at the memory. He had not wished for that nine years ago and didn't believe that anyone should demand it of Arthur now.

Magic should not be the slave of kings, but neither should kings be the slaves of magic. Even in hindsight, even knowing that his decision had caused Mordred to live, part of Merlin felt relieved that Camelot had not been subjected to that sort of future – that sort of magic. How could Albion truly be at peace if ruled by such a cruel mistress?

And truly, honestly, had he any choice? Was not this fate foretold? Wasn't Camlann always destined to happen?

~o~0~o~

The power Merlin now wielded was like nothing he'd ever felt before. The crystal visions were now subject to _his_ will rather than the other way around. He could see anything he wanted, every time, every future and he thought, perhaps, he could see one last way out of this.

When he arrived at Camlaan as the old man – Emrys now, not Dragoon, he realised - Arthur was most definitely alive but Morgana was attacking hard. Merlin had recently feared her power had risen to match his but, no longer - not after his time in the Crystal Cave. He rained down lightening on the enemy, thwarted Aithusa's attack and threw Morgana from where she stood, preventing her further attack on the king. He was sure he'd seen Mordred fall too and, after all of that, Arthur was able to rally his troops, pushing them forward, now quite certain of victory whilst Merlin hurriedly made his way down himself, desperate to ensure that all was well.

~o~0~o~

He walked the field of Camlann – strewn with bodies – searching, fearing – a strange dread in his heart despite their apparent victory.

And then he saw her, lying where he had thrown her off the cliff, still alive, holding a hand out to him, the madness temporarily gone from her eyes.

"Help me, Emrys, please."

"Is this really what you wanted, Morgana?" he asked, his voice quavering.

"I want revenge on all who harmed me. On you." She knew who he was now, of course, but still she addressed him as Emrys.

" _What happened to you, Morgana? I don't understand."_ For the first time ever, he spoke to her in his mind – Merlin to the lady Morgana – whilst Emrys and the sorceress Morgana continued to exchange threats out loud.

" _You know very well what happened, Merlin. Seeing it was you that sealed my fate."_

" _I don't understand."_

" _You ran to Arthur, who ran to Sarrum. Why could you not just leave me be?"_

" _What happened?"_ His thought was suddenly more gentle.

She shook her head then, the madness returning to her eyes and he felt her shut him out of his mind. "Do not play the innocent with me, Emrys. I know you told them where I was, I know you told them I was weakened. Two long years I suffered because of you. Two long years in a dark pit, trapped with Aithusa."

"Aithusa?"

"Nothing but darkness, and hunger and pain. All because you could not keep your promises."

"I told no-one, Morgana. You should know by now how good I am at keeping secrets."

She laughed bitterly at that. "It is of little importance. I have given Mordred the means to kill Arthur as well as protecting him from your attack earlier. Perhaps I can no longer kill you, Emrys but I can achieve the next best thing. I can kill my brother and take my throne back."

"Arthur!" Merlin cried, and he turned away from her quickly, fear gripping him, continuing his search for his king.

~o~0~o~

Perhaps it all _was_ fated. When he'd tried to bring about Mordred's death he had failed. When he'd tried to help Morgana he had failed. Even when he tried to save Arthur he had failed.

Or, had he?

One more chance. One more journey in order to save his king, his brother, his friend. And a chance, at long last to tell the man his biggest secret. One burden released, at least.

But time was running out and Morgana had not yet given up. Again she attacked and this time there were no choices left to him, and no time for distraction or sentimentality to get in the way.

"What a joy it is to see you, Arthur," she said, having thrown Merlin to one side yet again. "Look at you, not so tall and mighty now. You may have won the battle, but you've lost the war. You're going to die by Mordred's hand. But don't worry, my dear brother, I won't let you die alone. I will stay and watch over you, until the wolves gorge on your carcass and bath in your blood."

Merlin stood slowly behind her, drawing Arthur's sword quietly, knowing what he had to do but still wanting to find a way out.

"No, the time for all this blood shed is over. I blame myself for what you've become … but this has to end." At the same time, Merlin spoke to her in his mind, _"Please, Morgana – one last chance. Help me to save him."_

"I am a High Priestess. No mortal blade can kill me." _\- "Arthur is dead to me, as are you. The Merlin I loved died with me in the council chambers_ seven years ago."

And in many ways she was correct, he realised with sudden clarity, and she was certainly lost to him even more than he was to her. There was now far less of _his_ Morgana within this body than there had been of Gwen when she had been recently enchanted, and seeing the madness in her eyes actually made it all the easier to plunge Arthur's sword into her belly – a mercy, in so many ways. A release.

"This is no mortal blade. Like yours, it was forged in a dragon's breath." And, just as before in those council chambers, Merlin held her as she died and she clung on to him as desperately as she had before. There was surprise on her face as she sunk to the ground but also, he felt, a certain amount of relief.

" _I always loved you, Morgana. I'm sorry I could not save you."_

" _My doom in this life,"_ she replied, her thought no more than a whisper. _"But my destiny in the next."_

" _Then I shall see you there,"_ he said as the light faded from her eyes. " _Rest in peace, my lady, my love, my kin."_

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> This is already complete but I'm new to AO3 and just starting to get my stories over here so I'll put these up just as soon as I'm able.
> 
> Just for your reference ...
> 
> This fic will be very episodic and will often time jump a number of episodes depending on what happened in the actual show.
> 
> I'm a huge fan of the canon story line and, unless I'm going totally AU, I prefer to write in and around the gaps rather than changing the overall outcome. This is simply a more sexy version of what we all saw on screen: Adorable crush and very hot chemistry in S1 and S2, death glares and sexual tension in S3 & 4 and very angsty stuff in S5. 
> 
> Oh and then there are those time jumps that some people find so frustrating. Personally I'm really looking forward to what I might be able to squeeze into those.


End file.
